Sev,Herm&Ron visit MiddleEarth
by Beauty-Queen1979
Summary: What do you get when 3HP characters end up in Middle-Earth?Bunnies,lust,hate,pranks,attempted murders&a lot of comic confusion!FINALLY!Ch32-Silk panties, Girl Power, Depression&Snape being hit in the groin. Ouch.
1. BOOK:THE FIRST What happens when you ad...

**A/N:** Hello! This is my first story, so please be gentle with me! Basically I'm on a major coffee/sugar high and decided to expand on a dream I had the other week, in which Snape, Hermione and Ron ended up in Middle-earth. This isn't meant to be serious, and I've never really written humour before so I hope that the funny bits make others beside myself laugh! Thanks for bothering to read!

(If you haven't read Fellowship of the Ring or seen the movie it'll have spoilers so sorry bout that!)

**Disclaimer:** Lord of the Rings – belongs to Tolkien. Harry Potter – belongs to J.k.Rowling. My Bert&Ernie (and rubber duckie) poster – belongs to me, whoohoo!

**

Another normal day, in the continuously abnormal school of Hogwarts was just what Hermione Granger was looking forward to. Of course, she was looking forward to this _after _dreading potions with Snape this morning. But that was something she felt she could handle. As normal, she checked she had all her books, which she did, and today her span of books also included a copy of J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord Of The Rings. This she had finished reading the night before and planned to return to the library on her way to Defence Against Dark Arts later in the morning. 

 As normal, Snape was in a particularly crabby mood, which was to be expected. Hermione stirred the potion she was making in a daydream daze of boredom. Beside her Neville was sweating with fear and wincing every time he added an ingredient. This again, was normal. Everything seemed perfectly normal. But then why shouldn't it be?

Hermione was dragged away from her sweet thoughts suddenly by a muffled squeal from Neville, whose potion was rising slowly and ominously. Snape had already homed in on the incident and with a malicious grin on his face was making his way over. In front of her she could hear Ron whisper, "Uh-oh" to Harry. 

"Well, well Mr. Longbottom. Tell me, would it be at all possible for us to just go through ONE SINGLE LESSON without you messing up in some utterly idiotic way?" Snape said irritably amidst the Slytherins' giggles. Neville cowered under Snape's dark and patronizing stare. Without blinking, Snape's eyes suddenly caught on to the large book sitting on the desk in between Hermione and Neville. 

"What is this?" He asked picking up the book and opening it. 

"It's a library book Sir." Hermione answered.

"Fiction and fairytale!" Snape threw the book down on the ground where it landed at his feet with its pages open. "Never could stand such nonsense! 10 points from Gryffindor for bringing this ridiculous obscenity to class." As Snape turned his attentions back to shouting insults at Neville, Hermione noticed that the swelling potion Neville had managed to make wasn't showing any signs of relenting…in fact it was showing serious signs of 'Haha-I'm-going-to-blow-up' that Hermione had become used to seeing whenever Neville was around. Instinct screamed to her and she ducked under the desk as fast as she possibly could. 

With a blinding flash of blue-purple light the cauldron exploded. Smoke filled the room and for a couple of minutes no one was able to see anything. As the foul smoke screen began to clear, it came to Neville that something wasn't exactly right. Something was_ not _normal. He strained to hear what he was expecting to hear. This being a loud angry voice shrieking "A thousand…no a million…a BILLION points from Gryffindor, you worthless piece of…!"

_Something was not normal._ And it wasn't just Neville who noticed this. The rest of the class were now looking around with wide eyes for their Potions Professor, who was quite plainly, not there. Harry went to say something about this to Ron, when he realised Ron was not there. And, on turning around, he realised that Hermione was not there. This was not right, and Harry said so.

"Something isn't right here." He said in a self-explanatory tone. Neville nodded his head slowly. Harry scratched his chin and bent over to look under the table, in case the three missing persons had been knocked out by the blast. No one was on the floor. The only thing there was Hermione's library book, pages open and fluttering. Harry straightened up, and his forehead crinkled in thought and confusion. There was something eating at him, for something was not normal here… So, he said the only thing he could think of.

"I think, perhaps, informing Dumbledore would be an extremely bright idea at this point in time."

Neville nodded his head even slower, mouth open.

**

"*&%$!!!" Snape said loudly, after hitting his head on standing up. Cautiously he put a hand up to feel the abnormally low ceiling. Through the darkness he could make out the shadows of the room he was in. A small bed, a wardrobe… lots of pages and quills everywhere… From behind him came a muffled groan,

"Bloody hell that hurt!" said a voice that sounded just like Ron's. Snape snapped at him,

"Weasley! 10 points from Gryffindor! And if I ever hear such language from you again I'll drag you straight to Professor Dumbledore!"

Ron huffed, still in pain, and muttered,

"Like we didn't all hear you swear a moment ago…"

Pulling out his wand, Snape pointed at the gas lamp and said sternly, "Lumos."

Nothing happened. Snape shook his wand slightly and repeated what he had said. Still nothing. Angrily and with a certain amount of confusion and worry, Snape shoved his wand back into his robes and settled for the darkness.

"Weasley!"

Ron stood up and felt his way over to where Snapes voice was coming from. 

"Yes sir?" he asked weakly.

"Where on earth are we?"

"I don't know sir…don't you?" Ron asked mockingly, glad to know that even Snape was a bit bemused by all this. From near the door, a voice with a certain familiarity said,

"Actually, I think you'll find that we are not on earth, therefore asking the question 'where on earth are we?' was a waste of your breath. Perhaps if you had taken the time, like me, to look at our surroundings you would have figured out the answer to your question," then the voice added quickly, "I hope that makes sense to you Professor."

"Granger!" Said Snape furiously, "Don't patronize me! Just answer me plainly, where are we?"

"In my book sir."

"In your…BOOK?"

"That's what I said sir, in my book."

Ron laughed nervously, and reached forward grabbing Hermione's arm, hissing,

"What do you mean by 'in your book'? How can we be in a book! You can't go into books!"

Hermione shrugged and said bluntly,

"Well we have."

Snape sighed and rolled his eyes,

"Don't be so absurd. We've probably been transported to a remote part of Hogwarts. Lets just get out of here and figure out where we are – and when we do find ourselves we'll have a discussion about your detentions."

"DETENTIONS?" Ron gasped, "But we didn't _do _anything!"

Snape snorted slightly,

"I assure you Mr. Weasley, I would be able to find at least 10 reasons why you both deserve detentions from the last five minutes alone. Now come on!" 

Snape walked over to the door and opened it. The three of them found themselves in a rounded, wooden corridor, with low ceilings like the room they were just in. Snape was bent over in his walking, a bright bruise already appearing where he hit his head earlier. Behind him Hermione was looking around in fascination, while Ron was being kept entertained by the fact he could touch the ceiling easily.

**A/N** **:** Ok there was chapter one! If you like please tell me! If you hate…well…I can't please everybody!


	2. God of Muggle Fiction&Gandalf's stupid s...

**Disclaimer:** Lord of the Rings – belongs to Tolkien. Harry Potter – belongs to J.k.Rowling. 

**

Dumbledore drummed his desk with his fingers watching Harry tell his story. Harry was always so much fun to listen to because he made the best sound effects and used big dramatic hand actions to describe interesting things…like the explosion that just happened in Snape's classroom. 

"…And then it went BOOM!" Harry waved his hands above his head to imitate the potion flying into the air, "…And then there was a lot of smoke and we could hardly see…" Harry covered his eyes, showing how the smoke clouded his vision. Dumbledore smiled and nodded. Such a great imagination, thought Dumbledore, maybe I should offer him a job as Hogwart's Official Teller of the Tales…

"…Anyway…I couldn't find them anywhere, and I even looked under the tables! So I thought to myself, something is not normal Harry; you should go tell Professor Dumbledore. So here I am."

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow, and was just about to ask Harry if he had taken anything illegal that morning, when Neville burst through the door of his office. Thrusting Hermione's book onto Dumbledore's table he said, nearly in tears,

"Something's wrong with the book!"

Dumbledore opened the offending article, and flicked through it. The words of the book were melting away. The last pages of the book were already blank, and, working back to 

front, the rest of the books words were disappearing.

He blinked in shock when he turned to the front of the book though, for he couldn't believe what he was reading…

…Severus peered around the corner and watched an old man in grey pick up a small gold ring from the fireplace and hand it to the childlike creature standing beside him. Who, Severus noted, hadn't washed his feet in what must have been a lifetime. They were grubby, bare and extremely hairy…

"Ah." Said Dumbledore as he set the book down on the table. Clearing his throat, he looked up at Harry,

"We seem to have a tiny problem Harry. The problem being that Miss Granger, Mr. Weasley and Professor Snape are _in this book._"

Harry stared blankly at the Headmaster, then said,

"So…when you say they are _in this book_, what exactly do you mean?"

"I mean that they are in the story. The book is re-writing itself to involve them…and through their actions the story will be changed and altered…but don't you see Harry…that if the story's characters do not end up doing what they are meant to do…" Dumbledore paused for the drama of the moment, "…all of reality itself will be UNDONE!".

"But why?"

"What?" said Dumbledore taken aback, not expecting anything else but a dramatic gasp. 

"Why will all reality be undone? It's only a story. And anyway, how do you know reality will be undone? Has it happened before?" Harry rambled on with his questions until Dumbledore screamed 'SILENCE!"

"Ok…Harry, quite simply, if the story does not end the way it is meant to, your friends and Professor Snape will be stuck in fiction-land forever. And that would freak a lot of people out. Especially the God Of Muggle Fiction…" At this point Harry interrupted him, amazed,

"There's a GOD of muggle fiction???"

"Yes! Anyway, it would freak him out…and piss him off…for you see; Lord Of The Rings was his best creation! And if it was to be ruined…well… we'd all feel his wrath by him undoing reality as we know it!"

"Whoa. That's heavy."

"Of course it is!" Dumbledore sighed in relief, safe in the knowledge that this scene was to end on his next line,

"I just hope our three story-crashers figure that out in time…"

**

Gandalf glared at the black-robed man standing in the doorframe. From behind him, two children were looking around, one of who, the redhead, kept touching the ceiling and laughing happily. He didn't like the look on the pale intruders face. It was awfully familiar…

"What have you heard? And who are you!" shouted Gandalf. Snape stood forward and sneered slightly,

"Professor Severus Snape, Potions Master at Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And you are…?" he asked feeling slightly superior over the grey-cloaked man in front of him. 

"I am Gandalf the Grey."

From behind Gandalf, the barefooted creature that Snape had been disgusted by jumped forward excitedly,

"I'm Frodo son of Drogo! And looky-looky at my ring! Gandalf the wizard told me it was important! Ooooo this is getting so exciting!!!"

Snape felt like flicking the little man away, but refrained from doing so after hearing that this Gandalf was a wizard.

"Ah you're a wizard then?" he asked Gandalf, "Then you **will **have heard of Hogwarts. So tell me, where are we? And can we use your fireplace to get back to where we want to be?"

Gandalf blinked in bewilderment. 

"Why would you want to use the fireplace? What would be the point in that? And what do you mean Hogwarts?"

"The school man, the school!" Snape felt like he was trying to bring down a stone wall with only a spoon as his aid. The man Gandalf was obviously a batty old fool, probably not a wizard at all… but still, you've got to laugh at loony muggles.

Several hours after an embarrassing incident of trying to use his wand to show off to Gandalf, Snape sat huffing in a corner. Stupid Gandalf, thought Snape, stupid Gandalf and his magical staff! He probably jinxed my wand! Stupid Hermione and Ron for being happy and having tea with that barefooted ninny!

Snape watched from his dark little corner as Hermione and Frodo chatted happily about Shire history and Ron stuffed his face. And what was all that nonsense about a ring? And what was with that silly little poem Gandalf the Stupid kept reciting? One ring to rule them all…? Hah! Well if the Elves and Dwarves and mortal men let this evil guy forge a ring to overpower theirs it served them right. From what he'd seen of this blasted country already made him want to forge an evil ring and kill everybody…. Across the room Frodo laughed loudly, spraying food over the table. This made Snape narrow his eyes and add to his thoughts, and you my little friend would be the first on my list…

**A/N :** Ok there was chapter two! If you like please tell me! If you hate…well…I can't please everybody!


	3. Sardines&Snape's dads ridiculously long ...

**A/N :** Sorry to all Tolkien fans… *mutters sorry to herself* but I'm changing the story a bit…but no matter! All in the name of the smallest smile to the loudest laugh! Anyway, I laugh at Sev too, and I adore him! (cos he's yummy and cute cos he's so full of himself : )! )  So fair enough, hehehe. 

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter isn't mine, it's J.K.ROWLING'S. Unfortunately this means Snape ain't mine either…sigh. And Lord of the Rings stuff isn't mine, it's J.R.R.TOLKIEN'S. 

**

Professor McGonagall giggled happily to herself, reading the book Dumbledore had just given her. It was wonderful, for the book recorded everybody's thoughts, and seemed to especially adore writing Snape's…

…Severus sniffled unhappily as he sat on the little hobbit bed he was ordered to sleep in by Gandalf. Next door he could hear Frodo burbling happily to Hermione and Ron. It's not fair, he thought, I'M the wizard around here! Why does my wand not work? He poked at it with an experimental prod, and it did…absolutely nothing. Damn. And why is that bloody ring so important? And if Gandalf is so GREAT and WISE then why did he run off and leave the ring with that hairy-footed runt? Why didn't Gandalf take the ring? And why oh why was Gandalf able to use magic and he wasn't? Snape sniffed the air. And why does everywhere smell of sardines?!?! Ooooo… maybe that's me… thought Snape as he then sniffed himself experimentally…

Wiping a tear of laughter from her eye, Professor McGonagall set the book down on her desk. 

**

Snape awoke the next morning to several annoying squeals. After dressing himself he went into the kitchen, with a fully bruised forehead, to find out what all the commotion was about. He nearly fainted at the sight. Not only was there that damned Frodo, but another three of the sickeningly jolly little things! Frodo grinned happily as he introduced Hermione and Ron to them,

"This is Hermione, daughter of Mr. And Mrs. Granger." Frodo pointed at Hermione, "And this is Ron," at this point he grabbed Ron roughly and grinned, "Son of Arthur."

The three little hobbits oooooed. Then noticing Snape standing in the doorway, Frodo pointed.

"And this is Serverus, Son of…" Frodo frowned in trying to remember the long name Snape had given him, " Son of my-father-who's-name-is-none-of-your-business-you-absurb-little-hairyfooted-over-cheerful-creature!" Frodo grinned joyfully to have remembered it accurately. 

Snape growled, 

"You idiot! That's not my father's name! Do you have no brain?! 10 points from… from…" Snape gasped into himself, Oh no! I'm rendered powerless! Frodo doesn't have a house! Oh well, I'll settle for the next best thing… "From Gryffindor!"

All four of the hobbits oooooed, unlike Hermione and Ron who scowled,

"That's unfair! You can't take points from Gryffindor!" Ron said angrily.

"I can do what I want to Mr. Weasley." Replied Snape.

Hermione giggled to herself,

"I'll tell Gandalf on you!"

Snape shuddered at the name, his right eye beginning to twitch. Across on the other side of the room, the four little Hobbits were packing. Snape cleared his throat,

"What are you doing?"

"We're packing Mr. Severus, sir." Said the hobbit known as Samwise. Why the man was called this Snape never did figure out, for if there were an Anti-Christ for the Wise it would be Sam. 

"And why, pray, are you packing? Miss Granger here told me you liked living in peace and quiet in your holes under the ground!"

Frodo waved a finger at Snape, tutting. 

"Tut tut, Severus, didn't you listen to Gandalf's," Frodo ignored Snape flinching at the name, "Words?"

"I stop listening to him after he repeated that rhyme 7 times over in that silly accent of his." Snape said blankly.

"Which one was that?" Frodo said scratching his head.

"The one about the ring you ignorant little man!" Snape said, having to restrain himself from jumping up and down in a mad rage.

All the hobbits ohhhhed in unison. Hermione sighed impatiently,

"Look Professor, it's quite simple. They are packing because they are to head to The Inn of the Prancing Pony to meet Gandalf," then dropping her voice a couple of notches she said to Snape alone, "Who won't be there."

Snape grinned to himself, the unreliable old sod! But then again, if Gandalf the Annoyingly Dirty-White wasn't to be there, there'd be no harm in him going along with the four hobbits… maybe he'd even get the chance to take that lovely gold band Frodo had dangling round his neck…

"Alright! Weasley, Granger and I will go with you!" said Snape suddenly. 

Pippin grinned and hugged Snape around the legs (Snapes eyes bulged out like a fishes through this action) and squeaked in a high-pitched voice,

"Yay Severus son of my-father-who's-name-is-none-of-your-business-you-absurb-little-hairyfooted-over-cheerful-creature is coming to!" then looking puzzled for a moment he added, "Who's been eating the sardines?"

Snape blushed.

**

Putting down the book Harry asked,

"So… Them going with the hobbits…That's a good sign, right?" 

Dumbledore, who was twirling his beard with his fingers, looked up and answered vaguely, 

"Oh yes, yes. Very good sign. For once in his life Severus has actually made a helpful decision." 

Suddenly there was a sound that sounded strangely like thunder. This could be explained by the fact it was thunder. A small, bald-headed man wearing large glasses had appeared in the middle of Dumbledore's office. With a constipated look on his face, he screeched,

"YEARS! AB – SOL – UTE - LY BLOODY YEARS," he paused to take a deep breath, "WENT INTO THROWING MUSES INTO TOLKIEN'S BEDROOM! I USED UP EVERY, AND I REPEAT, EVERY, MUSE THAT EVER MEANT ANYTHING TO ME JUST TO GET THAT STORY OUT OF THE MAN'S MIND! NOW LOOK WHAT YOU MEDDLING WIZARD-FOLK HAVE DONE! YOU'VE RUINED IT! RUINED!" the red-faced man broke down into uncontrollable sobs. Dumbledore went over to him and patted him on the back,

"There, there, Mugfic, may I call you Mugfic? It rolls off the tongue better than God of Muggle Fiction…"

"…And of Sardines," The God sniffed, "Everybody always forgets the sardines…"

"…and of Sardines," added Dumbledore, "Don't cry, I'm sure everything will work out fine. And if it doesn't, well… we can always write a series of books about young Harry Potter! The boy who lived!"

"…'snot the same." muttered the God sadly.

On this note, Harry wandered off in a huff, muttering,

"Not the same, ey?…I'm the boy who LIVED! LIVED! Aren't many boys who can say THAT are there?"

Harry thought about this for a moment, then felt rather stupid for saying it, due to it being a rather stupid statement. 

"Oh end chapter!" he shouted into nothingness, slightly confused as to why he did later on.

**A/N:** Thanks for reading this far folks! It ***should*** get better with time so chin's up! ^_^

Thank you to all my gorge reviewers! 


	4. Walking along singing some happy songs

**A/N:** Ok, so this is a rather short and pointless chapter…But no matter, the next chapter will be far longer I promise^_^! (and hopefully if the sun shines nicely, a little more humorous, but then again, that's like saying perhaps Neville Longbottom will get an A in potions hehe) 

**Disclaimer:** Damn these are annoying, I obviously don't own J.K.ROWLING's Potter world and characters, and neither do I own J.R.R.TOLKIEN's Lord of the Rings characters etc. They belong to them!!!

**

Ron was feeling very unsure of himself. What the hell was going on around here? And why were they still stuck in this bizarre world? And why does Snape flinch every time Gandalf is said? And why are hobbits so happy all the damn time? What was it that they were really smoking? Ron giggled to himself, remembering when Snape had tried to turn Gandalf into a rabbit and had began jumping up and down in fury when he couldn't. Ron thought for a moment…or that may have been because Gandalf had turned SNAPE into a rabbit…

Dragging behind the four hobbits and Ron, Hermione was busy telling Snape all about hobbits. Snape was thoroughly uninterested and bored out of his skull. 

"Of course, this is also shown to be true in Hobbits: A History." (A/N: I'm sorry, I couldn't resist it! Mwahahaaaaa)

"Yes, yes Miss Granger, I'm sure that in your mind that is an inspiring conversation topic, but if you don't stop being the insufferable know-it-all you are I shall not be held responsible for my actions!" Snape looked ahead of him, "And just what, WHAT, are those dimwits doing now?"

Skipping merrily along hand-in-hand ahead of them, the hobbits were singing….

_"The road is going on and on_

_And we are walking down_

_The road is made of mud and stone_

_And Sevvy is behind…._

_(Watch out!)_

_Because Sevvy is behind!"_

Eyes twitching, Snape marched over to them and glared, "You call THAT a song?" Snape pushed the hobbits out of the way, muttering, "I'll show them what a REAL song is…" Then, Snape smoothed his hair and cleared his throat,

_"BOOM boom boom boom_

BOOM boom boom boom 

_SALAZAR!_

_We wear silver and green!_

_SALAZAR!_

_We bathe in milk to keep ourselves clean!"_

Hermione and Ron looked at each other uncertainly over this dubious line, as Snape continued,

_"…SALAZAR!_

_We are the best at everything!_

_You can't get much better than SLYTHERIN!"_

The hobbits were now dancing happily to Snapes singing, chanting 'SLYTHERIN! SLYTHERIN!' and clapping their hands. Snape beamed (if that is at all possible) a warmer shade of pale. Ron scowled, 

"That's unfair! You're using subliminal messages in songs to make them on your side! You know they're suckers for a good tune!" Then in anger began singing enthusiastically,

_"GO GO GRYFFINDOR!_

_We dress in scarlet and gold!_

_GO GO GRYFFINDOR!_

Our beauty's too much to behold! 

_GO GO GRYFFINDOR!_

_For there's nothing we'd rather do,_

_GO GO GRYFFINDOR!_

_Than cover Professor Snape in p…!"_

Hermione had suddenly clasped her hand over Ron's mouth as he was reaching the favoured dramatic climax of the chant. From round the corner they could hear hooves. Hermione gasped in terror,

"Oh no! A black rider! Quick!"

The seven of them flung themselves off the road and hid the best they could. 

**

"Roll up! Roll up! Come and see the sight of the century! Our brother in a book! What will happen? Place your bets! For example, will Snape go insane and commit suicide by the end of Chapter 5?" Said Fred, followed with just as much OOMF in his speech by George,

"Will our brother get more lines?"

"Will Hermione 'fess up and tell Snape that she put a curse on his wand?"

"Will Snape EVER find out who his real father is?"

Fred elbowed George and muttered, "SHUSH! No one knows about that plot-line yet you doofus!" 

George cleared his throat and put on his wickedest grin,

"Free canary creams to the first 10 placed bets!"

**A/N: **

To _Atheis and Aeris Gainsborough:_ Your rants are keeping me very entertained! I'm beginning to think it should be me asking you to write more asap mwahahahaaaaaaa!

Thanks also to : _Gengi, Bookworm12357 and the anonymous reviewer!_

Thanks again for reviewing lovely peeps : ) mucho mucho mucho! 


	5. Snape wears a saucepan on his head XD!

**A/N:** I have some ideas for later in the plot, but since I've got to get there first please keep reading! Later chapters will get better! Snape's revenge! Ron's love! Hermione's lust! You know you wanna stay tuned!!! Hehe.Thank you for the reviews I've received so far! 

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter people – J.K. Rowling's. Lord of the Rings stuff – J.R.R. Tolkien's. The God of Muggle Fiction and Sardines – MINE mwahahahahaaaaa…actually come to think of it that's not really something I should be proud of…o well, mine anyway. 'Cept the word Muggle, it's J.K. Rowling's too. 

**

Snape felt the sensation of being kicked…a lot. And he was being kicked. By four little hobbits and one Ron Weasley, who for the sake of drama was also screaming,

"DIE fiend of Mordor! Black rider scum!"

Snape, being entangled in his robes, was unable to stand up, and this action was made even more difficult as Frodo had just sat on him. He let out muffled screams of anger,

"Get off me you stupid little brute! It's me! Snape!"

Thinking fast, Ron made one of the greatest decisions of his life (At least that's what he said on his deathbed years later) and kept kicking Snape.

"DIE! DIE! DIE!"

Shouted Ron happily. But his happiness was soon shattered by Snape untangling himself and straightening up. Snape brushed the dust off himself with slow deliberation.

"Mr. Weasley, you are going to sorely regret ever doing that. 50 points from Gryffindor!"

The hobbits oooooed. Snape rounded on them,

"And would you stop it with that obsessive oooooing?!" Snape reached to the sky in desperation, "Am I the only sane person in this whole bloody place? Am I the only one graced with the gift of intellect and wit?!"

"Oh no, Mr Severus, Sir," Said Sam, "Gandalf's got all those things too. Only more of them."

Snape growled and bared his teeth at Sam,

"The next time anyone, and I mean ANYONE mentions that wrinkled old prune they will not live to see another sunrise, do I make myself clear?" Snape grimaced, still wanting to hop over and nibble lettuce in a cute and funny way every time he saw some. I'll get that Gandalf back if it's the last thing I ever do! Nobody laughs in the face of Severus Snape and lives to tell the tale over a cup of coffee with their friends! Probably laughing at me right now…Snape stormed off on down the road.

**

Just what I need, Snape thought downing his third pint in one. It's great how alcohol takes your mind off everything…Being sick of hobbits, he looked around him, Thank God at least here in Bree there were men. Muggles, God love them, but MEN. And women, of course, Snape added watching the barmaid as she bent over to pick up his empty beer mug, wearing a low cut corset. Flashing his least threatening grin, Snape raised a happy, tipsy eyebrow at her.

She slapped him.

Oh well, a man can try. 

Above the noise of the pub, it seemed it was all too silent. Looking round Snape muttered to himself,

"Now where have those blasted kids gone?"

**

Upstairs, Hermione's eyed glazed over watching Strider talk. Ooooo, he's so brave and rugged and wild! I wonder if he's really real? Are there really men like this? She thought for a moment, well… there is Lockhart and he is real! And he's as sexy as Hell! 

Hermione reached out and touched Strider's chest, with her mouth open in awe. 

Strider cleared his throat,

"Umm? Little madam? Could you refrain from the touching? It's rather un-nerving…"

"Ooooo, what big muscles you have!" she said in a far-away voice. Ron squirmed in his seat and said tensely,

"Come on Hermione, leave the guy alone!"

Ron grabbed Hermione away from Strider, and sat her down beside him. It wasn't fair, thought Ron; I'M the one she should be drooling over! Ron poked at his own feeble feeling chest and sighed, muscles aren't everything…are they? Still that wasn't the point! Hermione had never made googly-eyes at him before, therefore no other man should be allowed her googly-eyed look! Ron huffed unhappily, turning a colourful shade of red. All of a sudden a very loud,

"AHA!"

Came from the doorway, and Snape bounded into the room heroically with a saucepan on his head, brandishing an umbrella. This, he thrust in the general direction of Strider exclaiming,

"DON'T MOVE! I'm a very powerful wizard! And I'm not afraid to prove it!"

Hermione ran over and stood between Strider and Snape, and lowered the umbrella Snape was holding,

"Professor! This is Strider! A friend!" said Hermione, then as an afterthought she added, "And why are you wearing a saucepan?"

"…" Snape took the saucepan off his head quickly with a large amount of embarrassment and threw it away, and then regained his composure. Frodo stepped forward with his normal innocently idiotic grin on his face,

"Strider, this is Severus, Son of my-father-who's-name-is-none-of-your-business-you…" started Frodo, before Snape intervened and pushed him to one side in an extremely annoyed fashion.

"Professor Severus Snape, Head of Slytherin House and Potions Master at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry "

Snape held his head up as high as anybody who has just worn a saucepan on their head can and outstretched his hand to Strider, who shook it with a look of complete confusion. 

**

The God of Muggle Fiction (and of Sardines) sat sadly in Dumbledore's office. He knew the book would be ruined. Already that dratted man Severus hated everybody, and was toying with the idea of taking the ring. The redhead wouldn't stop thinking about the girl, and this made the god scowl in anger, I hate romance novels! Tolkien walked on very thin ice when he included Arwen and Eowyn……… But now that silly little boy is wondering if he should declare his undying love! And of course the girl is driving me insane! All she does is spurt out facts and continuously poke Strider!

The story would not turn out right, he knew it. 

The three wizard folk had already added new elements of hatred, love and know-it-all-ness. 

I think it's time I retired, thought the god as he hung his head forlornly.


	6. Ronnikins lil crush&Snape's ‘People to k...

**A/N:** Whoohoo! Another chapter written today. Gosh, I am proud of me and my strange coffee-filled mind. Ooooooh I'm all choked up from watching Sense & Sensibility at the moment, yay Alan Rickman as the Colonel! *Sniffle*Anyway ever onwards and quite possibly downwards in the minds of the critics and literary professors…

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter, it's J.K. Rowling's and her peoples. I don't own Lord of the Rings stuff, it belongs to J.R.R Tolkien and his peoples. I don't make money from this, unfortunately. Oh and I don't own Sense & Sensibility. Well actually, I own the DVD, but that's not what I meant. And I don't own Alan Rickman. Or Snape. 

I don't really own much do I? 

**

Ron lay uncomfortably on the ground up on Weathertop trying to get to sleep. He was cold, he was wet, he was hungry, and he was watching Hermione follow Strider…WAIT! Why was Hermione following Strider?! That's not allowed! Ron tried to get up, but sagged back down due to lack of energy. STUPID Strider. Stupid Strider and his stupid muscles and his stupid sword and his stupid hair and stupid name and stupid sexiness. Ron sniffled quietly to himself, knowing that if he didn't have complete control of his tear ducts his eyes would spring a couple of leaks. Stupid me, thought Ron. Stupid me and my stupid repetition of stupid. Why can't I think of anything else to say? Probably because I AM stupid! Stupid is a stupid word anyway…

Snape sat beside Ron glaring into the darkness. Oh yes, he thought, oh yes, Mister Gandalf, you have not yet seen the last of me! Who do you think you are with your big staff and your silly pointy hat? Snape flicked away a nearby stone as he watched Hermione follow Strider, another new member of his 'People to kill in Middle-Earth' list. 

"Professor?" asked Ron timidly, sitting up to face Snape.

"Oh what do you what now Weasley?" Snape replied irritably. 

"I just wanted to ask…" Ron muttered quietly, "…I wanted to ask you about women…"

Snape froze. What did he mean by women? Surely the boy knew what a woman was! Oh my God…! A thought had come to Snape suddenly, what if the boy is asking me about sex? But he had to know what sex was… right? I mean, he was a teenage boy… it was only healthy to…to…Snape shuddered, then said slowly with his throat as dry as the Sahara desert, 

"W-women?"

"Yes, women."

"What do you what to know… about them?" 

"Well…I mean, although I completely refuse to accept it or even hold with the thought, you must have had a girlfriend at some point in your life Professor…"

Oh God! Thought Snape, he IS going to ask me about sex! He's going to pry into my sexual endeavours! Putting on a false smile he said, in a slightly higher pitched voice than normal, 

"Yes, Mr. Weasley, I have had my share of… relationships in my time."

Ron, not really expecting Snape to have actually had any sort of relationship with any woman other than his mother, flushed with surprise and embarrassment. There was one of those awful awkward silences. Like the ones you get when you meet the person you were best friends with when you were 10, who you never really liked, and you ask about their Grandmother. Who, just to inconvenience you, has died. Snape broke the silence, 

"Well?"

Ron shuffled uncomfortably and started with one of the oldest lines in the book,

"It's just, I have this friend…called, umm," Ron's eyebrows wrinkled in quick thought, "…Jon, and he likes this girl…"

Snape raised an eyebrow, Oh-oh…I smell a 'and her name is Germione' coming on. So, the little boy has a little crush. How sickening…Snape smirked to himself in the darkness. This could prove useful…

**

Suddenly Strider came crashing through the rubble to where everybody was lying, shouting,

"Black Riders! Quickly arm yourselves!" He turned to Snape, and said to him alone,

"Remember! Don't let Frodo put on the ring! It'll attract them to him even more! They'll try to kill him!"

Strider bounded off, pulling out his sword to protect the hobbits. Snape's eyes glinted in the darkness. Kill him? Snape quickly glanced around to see if anyone was watching him, then ran away from the clearing to hide behind one of the crumbling stone pillars. He watched as the riders overpowered the hobbits and as Frodo fell, dropping his knife, in front of the pillar Snape stood behind. Snape giggled happily to himself and whispered eerily,

"Frodo… put on the ring… put on the ring…"

"Nooooooo…!" said Frodo in a torn voice.

"I said put it on damnit!"

"I can't…I can't…"

"For God's sake man! The ring makes you invisible! Put it on… and they won't see you…" Snape licked his lips in delight, as he saw Frodo slowly let the ring engulf his finger, then nothingness. 

"Stupid hobbit," muttered Snape, "Well, that narrows my 'People to kill in Middle-Earth' list down to…" Snape thought for a moment, "Gandalf the Horrid-ash-colour, Strider the over-dramatic warrior, 3 jolly Hobbits and that barmaid in Bree who slapped me."

Snape rubbed his hands happily and walked out from behind the pillar, to find the Black Riders gone and Frodo reappearing. With a voice of mocking concern, Snape gasped,

"Oh no! Frodo the hobbit we all love and adore has been stabbed through the heart! Damn! I wish it had been me instead, I can't bear the pain of losing such a close and dear companion…!"

**

Dumbledore shouted at the book and threw it across the room,

"Damn Severus! Why does he always let his grudges cloud his morals!"

Fudge walked in the door, just missing a knock on the head by a heavy looking book. 

"So, Albus, I hear you lost two students and a teacher in a Muggle story-book. That's got to be a new record for insane incidents in Hogwarts, even under your Headmastership!"

Dumbledore shrugged modestly,

"I do try Cornelius, I do try." 

"And you do realise that there are two red-haired boys outside your door running a betting office on outcomes of the story?" Fudge smiled happily at a lovely looking biscuit in his hand, "I have to say, they did tempt me into betting a small amount that their brother Ron will confess his love openly to Miss Granger in chapter 7! And look," he indicated to his hand, "They gave me a little biscuit too!" Fudge popped it greedily into his mouth. Dumbledore winced and looked away, hearing a fury of bird twittering a few seconds later.

**

**A/N:** Chapter 7 will be in Rivendell! *over-excited voice* Is that blonde guy Gilderoy Lockhart? Will Snape meet his match on wanting the ring with Boromir? Will Hermione stop drooling over Strider? WILL Ron declare his love? And will Snape get his magic back? And will I ever stop asking questions about parts of the story that haven't been written yet? Probably. Should have this chapter up in a short while, because there's a LOT of coffee pounding through my system right now…

New review! Yay! Thank you to _Silver*Chime_ ^_^

Please review if you like this, and if you don't, I'm sorry but I'm only human! Can't please everyone! Well…I could if I wanted to, but I'm too lazy!

Everybody be happy and keep on smiling :^_^!


	7. Beginnings of a luv triangle and GILDERO...

**A/N:** Ok, this is really turning into a Snape fic! * slaps herself * bad me! I will include more Ron and Hermione, I promise! Especially Hermione, cos she's had hardly anything major since Chapter One when the word 'normal' is repeated too much!

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter stuff ain't mine; it's J.K. Rowling's and her peoples. J.R.R. Tolkien and his people own Lord of the Rings. The Grinch I do not own either, but I dunno who does, except that it's by Dr. Seuss (sorry if the spelling isn't right) but anyway that's his peoples and not mine.

**

Snape wandered through the leafy trees of Rivendell. If he tried really, really hard, he could almost imagine that he was feeling happy. Rather like the Grinch when his heart grew an inch. (A/N: it rhymes teehee… ok so it's not that funny actually, o well!) Then again, with that bastard Gandalf on the prowl around the houses and gardens it was hard to feel any happiness. Humiliation! That's what it was! Gandalf had made sure to tell everyone that Snape was rather strange, and fancied himself as a wizard. Everyone had laughed at him. And Elrond had even asked him to give everybody an impression of a little furry bunny rabbit. Well, thought Snape, I'll show all of them! I've survived in my world with everyone against me, so I can certainly survive a fictional world! 

 As Snape walked along he could make out a figure through the trees that was tall, blonde-haired and staring into a mirror happily. After standing on a twig and breaking it, as is such the way in life, the figure turned round suddenly. Snape's eyes nearly popped out as he exclaimed,

"GILDEROY?!"

The elf stared blankly at Snape. Snape stared in amazement at him. It WAS Gilderoy Lockhart, it HAD to be! No one could look that close to the vain, brain-dead twit and NOT be one and the same! Then Gilderoy look-a-like flashed Snape a sparkling grin saying,

"You're the bunny-wizard aren't you?"

Snape scowled. 

"I shall not dignify that question with an answer."

The elf stood forward and gave a graceful bow, 

"I am Legolas Greenleaf, son of the King of Mirkwood. I have been sent here to seek the counsel of Elrond."

"That's great. Absolutely fabulous. I care, I really do."

Legolas didn't pick up on Snape's sarcasm, and asked,

"Are you heading to the secret meeting now? You know, the one that NOBODY is meant to know about or talk about?"

Snape looked unsure for a second. He hadn't heard there was a secret meeting! Why hadn't he been invited? Smiling coldly Snape answered the half-wit elf,

"Yes, yes as a matter of fact I am heading to the secret meeting…Why don't you lead the way?"

**

Looking smug, Snape sat down in between Ron and Hermione. Who, Snape noted, HAD been invited to the meeting. Another annoying thing he had noticed was that Frodo was sitting happily healed of his wound a couple of seats away. Damn, thought Snape. 

It was at this point where Ron and Snape both began to nod off. Elrond and Gandalf were recounting the tales of the history on the ring (Hermione's ears transfixed on what was being said, her eyes transfixed on Strider) and stressing the importance of not using it and the need to destroy it. But one member of the meeting was not agreeing to this idea, his name being Boromir, son of the Steward of Gondor. Snape rather liked him. He seemed to be the only one of all the ugly mugs in the room that was using his brain sensibly. Of course they should use the ring! It was damn powerful! And power makes a winner. Slytherins had power, and they were all successful! Well except the dumb-asses that got themselves thrown into Azkaban…but still at least they were rich even if they couldn't spend the money!

Snape was nearly asleep, drowsy in these thoughts when he was awoken by arguing voices. Everybody was shouting at everybody else. And the ring sat alone on a pretty stand. 

It was such a …pretty ring, thought Snape. He stood up and edged cautiously around a shouting Gandalf, and then walked over slowly to the stand. Slowly, so slowly, Snape reached out to touch the ring…

Gandalf's staff came down sharply on his fingers. 

"May I suggest that you keep your hands to yourself Snape? If you do not I will not hesitate to turn you back into a cute little woodland creature."

Gandalf said roughly. Everyone let out a little chuckle, except Snape, whose nostrils flared in anger and embarrassment, rubbing his now red fingers. 

"I was merely looking at it for your information, Gandalf, for it seemed to me that everyone else was to busy shouting at each other than to notice," Snape looked quickly to Frodo, who was looking incredibly depressed, and thought up a good excuse, "That poor Frodo has been telling you that HE'LL take the ring to Mordor!"

Frodo stood up in indignation and waved a fist at Snape,

"I SO didn't say that! Why would I want to go there!?"

"Oh, no need to lie among friends Frodo! You said that you would go, to save all this trouble!" Snape said, voice dripping with honey. Well, thought Snape, if that stab didn't finish him off, sending him into the arms of the enemy will! Gandalf put on a sympathetic smile,

"Frodo, you're a very brave hobbit. Yes, I fear you must go to Mordor, but not alone I don't think…" Gandalf's eyes twinkled as he turned to Snape.

**

Ron laughed as he walked along with Hermione,

"Did you see the look on Snape's face when he was told he had to go to? It was a picture!"

"I don't see why he was so angry, what did he think was going to happen? That they'd send Frodo off _alone_?" Hermione giggled.

But, as always, inside she was sighing. How depressing Rivendell had been for her! She'd always thought it to be a wonderful place, full of beauty and love! Ok, so it WAS full of those things, but right now she was willing to overlook them because she was in the middle of one of her first main scenes since the first couple of chapters. 

ANGST! DEPRESSION! MISERY! Oh, woe of woes, wept Hermione inside her head. How could she have forgotten Arwen? She tried to shake the imagery of Arwen and Strider kissing. It wasn't fair! She hadn't travelled with him this far from Bree to deserve this kind of treatment! That Arwen elf-bitch, she probably bewitched him! 

And to make matters worse, Ron kept on giving her funny looks, like she had a rude word written on her forehead! What was with Middle-Earth life? And why does Ron keep trying to hug me? Why is Gilderoy Lockhart here? Oh wait, yeah, that's Legolas…

LEGOLAS!

HE has no girlfriend! I mean… he does develop a funny relationship with Gimli, but not until later! I can use Legolas to make Strider jealous, MWAHAHAHAAAAAA! Then Strider will love me! And I get a sexy Gilderoy-look-a-like elf in the bargain! GO HERMIONE! God, I'm so clever!

Hermione whistled cheerfully to herself, causing Ron to take a couple of freaked out steps away from her, regardless of his love…

**

**A/N:** YAY almost Moria time in my mind! I'm nearing my good ideas : ) (That was a totally inverted commas sentence, whoever heard of me having good ideas?) whoohoo! And I do promise I'll bring in more Hermione/Ron in! Though it'll be a very big love triangle once it starts rolling…

And YES I will give Snape a friend (cos I feel I'm being to nasty to him, God bless him!). I already know who, can anyone guess? Hehehe. 

Thanks for reading folks!

Thanks to _Elfish Arrow_ for the review ^_^

I think I'll stick with calling Aragorn Strider, just cause I don't want to confuse anybody lol.


	8. Ron and SAM? Wahey, Snape's da man!

**A/N:** Thank you everybody for the new reviews! Before my eyes the numbers rose! So I've faithfully chugged down some coffee, and here I am at my keyboard. I'll ignore my puffy eyes, because I'm near Moria and one of my 'good ideas' is in that. Ok, it's not major, just in my (extremely warped) mind; it'll be quite funny. Anyway, as promised, I'm going to include more of Ron and Hermione on this chapter, (sorry my dear Severus! * sniffle *) because I've been nasty and ignoring them!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry potter characters, they're J.K. Rowling's and her peoples, and all Lord of the Rings stuff is J.R.R. Tolkien's and his peoples. 

**

Snape stared up at Caradhras, with its steep, sheer sides and snowy top. Dear god, Gandalf must be insane! He can't seriously expect us to climb THAT, can he? 

Yet as the day went on it seemed that, yes, Gandalf's mind was intent on them climbing Caradhras. And so they climbed. And the snow came down. And they climbed. And the snow fell harder. And then they argued about some Mines that Snape had never heard of. Then Gimli huffed. And they climbed more. Snape's hands went blue. Snape huffed. Hermione fell on top of Strider. Ron helped her up. Snape smirked. The Author wrote more short, meaningless sentences to convey the passing of time to reach the scene she wants to get to.

Eventually, they found themselves walking along a winding, narrow path. The snow was now pelting at full force. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a big dramatic scene came along. This involved lots of special and expensive computer effects. All that for a load of snow falling on our Fellowshippers heads.

Hermione screamed, but her voice was muffled. Oh no! I'm inside snow! And it's not half as fun as I thought it would be! WAIT! Hermione thought logically for a second, here I am, stuck under snow, suffocating…this is good, this is VERY good…

"STRIDER! Help me…!"

Shouted Hermione in her most defenceless I'm-a-sweet-heroine voice that she could. 

"Hermione! Where are you? Try to push a hand up through the snow!"

Hermione smiled happily to herself at the muffled voice, and did as she was told…only to be pulled out by Ron. She glared at him, and saw Strider a couple of metres behind Ron worrying over Frodo. Hitting Ron on the arm, she hissed,

"Didn't you hear me? I called out for Strider! God! Must you ruin everything Ron?" 

Hermione huffed and made her way through the snow to where Legolas was. She was damn well going to make Strider notice her. And if screaming his name out loud didn't get his attention, maybe her idea of getting with another man would. 

Ron went bright red with fury and embarrassment over what just happened. He watched as Hermione was picked up and carried by Legolas. SO, thought Ron, SO. So saving a girl's life doesn't make her love you. Great. So what does it take? Never washing like that dirt-covered Strider? Or never cutting your hair? Having stubble? ALREADY HAVING A GIRLFRIEND? Wait…Strider already has someone…and Hermione likes him… OH MY GOD! All I have to do is get a girlfriend! Ron beamed happily, knowing that for once he'd had a bright idea.

**Problem:** He was surrounded by a bunch of males.

Damn.

Well Ron Weasley, I think it's time you come up with another plan, said Ron to himself, for there is no way I'm letting you screw around with guys just to get Hermione. 

_A long, thoughtful silence in the mind of Ron._

That Sam person looks like he could be up to it though. 

NO! NO! NO! Ron slapped himself, gaining an odd look from Snape. No going with a male hobbit just to make Hermione jealous! 

Sigh, stupid me.

**

Professor McGonagall looked at the notice board and rubbed her chin thoughtfully, her hands holding a little red velvet purse.(A/N: I don't know how things are set out in betting shops, so I've used my imagination.)

The list she was reading went something like this:

*** New! ***

_Ron sleeps with Sam the Hobbit to turn Hermione on_ - 1:2

_Hermione convinces Legolas to pretend to be her guy_ – 1:5

_Snape and Gandalf have hot, passionate sex _– 1:58

(Professor McGonagall made a mental note to give Fred and George a detention for that)

_Hermione un-jinxes Snape's wand_ – 1:15

_Snape steals Frodo's ring_ – 1:7

_Slytherin's house mascot changing to a furry little bunny rabbit_ – 1:1 (Beside someone had scrawled, "Not a chance in Hell, Gryffy's! – D.Malfoy)

_Snape going on a killing spree after losing his mind_ – 1:3

_Ron Weasley, our brother, actually getting with Hermione (Or anything in a skirt… Or just anything alive…'cept Sam)_ – 1:10 000

Professor McGonagall grinned and gave everything in her purse to Fred Weasley. What did she bet on? Wouldn't we all love to know?

**

And so the company decided against Caradhras after getting snow in places where snow should never have been. Now they stood at the Gate of Moria. And Gandalf was shouting at the doors as he does, with every word he possibly can in every conceivable language. And nothing was happening, Snape thought smugly. So, the Great Wizard Gandalf can't even open a set of doors. Well, well. This WAS a turn for the better! Regardless of the fact he'd spent most of the last day or two covered in snow, and by that he meant…well…like sand, snow gets EVERYWHERE. Except it also numbs things. And it did numb…certain things. Snape shook himself, glad to be dry again and continued his thoughts, regardless of all that, he was feeling incredibly cheerful, because Gandalf was, to put it mildly, making a complete arse of himself.  

"OPEN! I command thee!"

Gandalf tapped his staff on the doors as he shouted. Snape walked over to Gandalf and cracked his knuckles in an off-putting way on purpose. Gandalf turned to Snape and said irritably,

"What do you want now?"

"Oh, nothing really Gandalf. Just to ask what those runes meant again. I didn't quite catch what you said, when you started 'opening' the doors around half an hour ago." Snape said in a velvety smooth and far away voice.

"It reads, "Speak friend and enter.""

"Does it?" Snape said with a fake interest, "So tell me, Gandalf, what IS the elfish word for…friend?"

Gandalf gave Snape an odd look and said slowly,

"…Mellon…"

The grand doors opened (with another dramatic scene popping in to say hello) and Gandalf's jaw fell open. Snapes lips curled up into a controlled smile. 

"Oh, look, I thought that was it. It was a riddle. Surely the Great and Wise Gandalf has heard of riddles?"

Gandalf glared at Snape, then beckoned everyone to follow. Snape walked slightly behind, in his sweet, sweet thoughts…

Who da man!? I say WHO… DA… MAN?! SEVERUS SNAPE is that's who! HAH! Eat that Gandalf the Shade of Dirty Off-White and Staff of infinite idiocy! Yeah, you put that in your pipe with your 'pipeweed' and smoke it! Snape paused for a second and frowned,

Damn, if only I could do the secret Slytherin victory dance right now! 

**

Dumbledore raised a surprised eyebrow, then asked a couple of passing Slytherin prefects,

"Slytherin have a secret victory dance?"

The prefects muttered something like, "Ummm…ahhh…we're late for class Professor…" then ran off up the corridor with beetroot red faces.

**

**A/N:** MORIA! We have arrived. YAY. Shall have next chapter up a.s.a.p. I promise! Especially if people are wanting it lol.

**Please** review if you like this story! 

Mucho luv my dearies! Until next time! Carry on smiling ^_^


	9. Slytherin's colours and Snape sees RED!

**A/N:** Hello! Well here we are. Moria. Which I've kinda hyped up haven't I? O well! That's just what I'm like:)! Would've had this posted sooner, except I couldn't write it due to being in the middle of the babysitting job from HELL. Never again. EVER. Ever, ever, ever… I was, to say the least, emotionally damaged. But that happens to you when you look after the spawn of Satan for 6hours straight. 

So basically, apologies for the lateness of this chapter, but I have made it long. Well, it's long in my mind anyway.  

Oh, lots of thank you's!

Thank you to _Kaira, Nicolette, Zardiphillian Beryllix, Elwen Rhiannon, Sasery and Lexi Lupin_! Mucho for your reviews my luvlies! I ~really~ appreciate them! Thanks! xox

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything. All the Harry Potter stuff belongs to J.K. Rowling, her publishers, and anyone else who has a hand in the copyright pool. Which isn't me. I'm just playing. All the Lord of the Ring's stuff is J.R.R Tolkien's copyright holders, his publisher's………etc etc, I don't own any of it. Nor do I make any profit from it. Only the happiness of brightening up someone's day for a while. (Mwahahahahaaaaa I'm so corny! But I don't care!)

**

Harry rocked back and forth on a little wooden rocking chair in the darkness of the Gryffindor common room. No one had talked to him for three days now. No one even noticed him when he streaked across the Great Hall screaming, 

"I'm HARRY POTTER! Pay attention to MEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I'm the famous one! I'M THE BOY WHO LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVED!"

No one had even looked up. Everyone was too busy talking about Ron and Hermione. Hell, they were even talking favourably, to a point, about Snape. No one wanted to know about Harry anymore. Dumbledore wasn't even bothered when Harry pointed out that he was almost murdered by Voldemort Tuesday last. Dumbledore had just shrugged and said in a -I'm-blowing-you-off-and-I-haven't-listened-to-what-you-just-said- manner,

"It happens to every growing boy in their life Harry, it's natural. And whatever they say, you won't go blind doing it."

Harry was left feeling confused and slightly grossed out about this statement, but decided it was best not to question Dumbledore. All everybody wanted to talk about was the damn book. Fists tightening, knuckles whitening, Harry recalled what he had overheard Cho saying earlier,

"Do you know, I never realised how cute Ron was until now? I can't wait until he gets back. He gives me butterflies!" 

Oh so Ron is cute is he? Thought Harry to himself. Suddenly Ron was cute because he was in a book, in a BOOK! HAH! Hey Cho-ie baby, thought Harry wildly in his head, I'M the one who got the Philosopher's stone, I'M the one who fought Tom Riddle aka young Voldemort and saved Ginny, and I'M the one who basically WON the tri-wizard tournament and fought Voldemort as himself! Sure, Cedric got killed, but that was a sacrifice I was willing to make…

(A/N: Stole that last line from Shrek!(or something along those lines)Not mine! Belongs to DreamWorks Home Entertainment and whoever else owns the copyrights to Shrek!)

**

"So…" Snape raised his eyebrow as a gesture of hello to Boromir. Gandalf had forced the two of them to take the first watch of the night, feeling that perhaps Snape needed to talk with someone on his own vengeful level. Well, actually, that was the Author's idea, but still. Boromir let out a whistle,

"You're a teacher then?"

"Ha," Snape said rather annoyed, "I prefer the term Professor."

"Ah."

Both men looked around themselves, searching for a drifting conversation topic. Which were, unfortunately, not buzzing around their heads like fireflies. 

"Dark, isn't it?" Said Boromir.

"I like the dark." Snape said flatly.

"Oh."

Snape let out a slight cough. God, he thought, this man is mundane. Yet, he was the only other person who thought the destruction of the ring to be…well, bloody stupid. 

"So tell me about this ring then." Snape said in a voice that he hoped conveyed that he really had no interest in the topic. He did, of course, but you should never seem too interested in the thing you are trying to steal, for it creates suspicion. Boromir jumped to Snape's bait straight away, naturally, and rambled on for an age about how it should be brought to his father in Gondor, not sent to the open arms of Sauron. 

Snape heard enough to know that the man was insane, violent and desperately wanting the ring. In other words, exactly the kind of friend Snape needed to have if his plan to take Frodo's shiny ring was to work.

The two fell into silence once again. And Snape began to think up ways of getting rid of Gandalf and his evil staff. Everytime that staff was near Snape, he could swear that it was staring at him and hissing death threats in the way that sticks of wood do.

"Here, Snape!" whispered Boromir. Snape looked at Boromir, annoyed that his train of blissful Gandalf-killing thought had been broken. 

"What do you want now?" asked Snape coldly.   

"Dare you to throw a rock down that well to see how deep it is."

"No." Said Snape coldly, trying to return back to his daydream.

"Oh go on!"

"No."

Boromir sighed at Snape's lack of fun-ness and reached for a nearby pebble. He grinned through the darkness at Snape and let the pebble fall down the well. 

**

Malfoy screamed as he walked the Great Hall. All the Slytherin flags had little pink bunnies running across them. Fred walked up behind up and patted Malfoy on the back, saying,

"Don't worry. Rabbits can be just as intimidating as snakes. And I'm sure the new pink Quidditch uniforms will go well with the bleach effect you have going on with your hair."

Beside them, George added,

"Hell, it does wonders for Barbie."

**

Gandalf glared down at Boromir and Snape, like a mother who has just discovered a chocolate handprint on her new white top glares at her chocolate covered children.

"Who was it? Which one of you was the IDIOT who just alerted a whole host of orc's of our presence?!" bellowed Gandalf. 

Boromir and Snape looked at one another. 

"It was HIM!" shouted Boromir angrily, pointing at Snape.

Before Snape could think of a witty and painful comeback to Boromir's accusation, Gandalf had turned on Snape with his stupid staff.

"Sh*t." Said Snape under his breath as the ground suddenly rushed towards him and his mind filled itself with thoughts of nice, juicy lettuce leaves.

**

And so we come to the part in the story where there is a lot of violence. As the orcs filled the room, our lovely little Fellowshippers fought…

Snape became Snape again, and Strider threw him a sword, shouting for him to fight. Snape rushed forward in a heroic manner, in a bid to save Hermione from an attacking orc. This action didn't work out exactly as he had planned it in his mind. As Snape ran, his foot became tangled in his flowing robes, causing him to fall face down onto the stone floor. With a slight grunt as he hit the ground, he knocked himself out. 

Ron watched as Hermione tried to fight off an orc. He also watched as Snape fell. Ouch, thought Ron, noting a strategically placed rock under Snape's groin. Dragging himself away from the funny sight of Snape sprawled on the ground he saw an orc coming up behind a triumphant looking Hermione. Crap! Screamed Ron's mind as Ron's legs ran forward and jumped onto the orc's back. Holding on for dear life as the orc shook him violently, Ron screamed over the commotion,

"Hermione!"

Hermione turned around and screamed in the orc's face, and screamed even louder when she saw Ron on it's back. 

"Don't worry!" Ron shouted to Hermione, as he struggled to keep a hold of the orc's neck, "I've got it all under control!" 

And then with one quick movement, Ron twisted the orc's neck round, breaking it. Hermione fainted, and the orc fell backwards on top of Ron. 

**

Dumbledore chuckled as he watched the Slytherin table looking thoroughly embarrassed sitting under pink and lilac bunny filled décor. Oh, he knew it had been the Weasley twins who had hexed the flags, but he felt that, for now, it would be a lot funnier just to let the Slytherin's believe that their colours really had been changed to pink and lilac. A couple of white rabbits hopped across Draco's plate. Giggling, Dumbledore turned to Professor McGonagall,

"Although, I do have to admit to you Minerva, that the live rabbits WERE my doing…"   

**

Ron stood up shakily and looked at the dead orc bodies covering the floor. The others were having a discussion about a coat that Frodo was wearing. Some sort of special chain mail. Lucky him, thought Ron bitterly and he poked a bleeding wound on his stomach. As everyone was leaving the room, Pippin suddenly stopped. Gandalf gave him a questioning look. Pippin gasped,

"What about Sevvie?" he pointed to where Snape lay, knocked out. 

Gandalf's eye narrowed as he said, through gritted teeth,

"Oh yes. Damn. I was hoping you would have forgotten about him."

Strider bounded over in that mighty warrior way of his and flung Snape over his shoulder, then caught up with the running Fellowshippers. 

**

Snape awoke to find himself on one side of a long narrow bridge, along with everyone but Gandalf. God, thought Snape, I hope one of those orcs finished the prick off. Serve him right. Snape suddenly felt a rough grabbing of his shoulder and Hermione, white as a sheet, shouting and pointing,

"Professor! You've got to help Gandalf with the Balrog! Your wand will work! I promise! I…I had put a hex on it…"

Snape was filled with a sudden rage and flung himself at the girl, but as he did so he looked up and saw the fiery demon that Gandalf was screaming at. Snape saw red. And it wasn't just because he was surrounded by fire and the stone walls were reflecting the redness. Oh no, this was a different type of red. Snape said slowly, and not to anyone in particular,

"My wand… works?"

Hermione nodded nervously, and watched as Snape ran out to Gandalf, wand held aloft. Snape arrived just in time to see Gandalf fall, and grab onto the broken ledge as he did so. Snape felt like… like… well, let's just say Snape felt elated. Ecstatic. Euphoric. Letting his mouth smile wickedly with pleasure, Snape shouted,

"Accio staff!"

From beside him, Gandalf saw his staff fly upwards into Snape's hand. Snape licked his lips slowly,

"NOT a wizard…ey, Gandalf?" Snape said slowly, "Nothing but a fool? Nothing but a strange man with fanciful ideas?" 

Gandalf winced and said (without too much desperation, Snape noted later on), 

"Help me."

Indicating to Gandalf's staff and his wand, Snape said with such a joy of the likes he never felt again,

"I'm sorry. But… it looks like my hands are full."

On those words, Snape stamped down on Gandalf's left hand, causing it to let go of the ledge. Snape watched as Gandalf struggled to hang on by his right hand. 

"And THIS," Snape said angrily, "Is for making me have nightmares about CUTE – LITTLE – FURRY- BUNNY – RABBITS!"

Snape pounded his heel down onto Gandalf's right hand, and then watched as Gandalf fell into the abyss, screaming,

"Yooooooooooooooooooooooou Bassssssssssssssssssstarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd…!"

**

**A/N:** ~**Please**~ review this if you like it! I'm hoping I ended on a dramatic note, but I do hope it don't come across too serious! Severity is not my motto for life. Immaturity is ^_^!!! 


	10. The heavy dramatic scene&Dumbledore is t...

**A/N:** Don't Panic.  I will not let Snape leave Moria until he has proved his worth. And I will not leave everyone feeling cheated of a decent Snape fight. Thanks _Zardiphillian_ for reviewing Chapter 9, and by your review and much nagging from my little brother, we will see Snape doing something flashy. Well, flashy is such a strong word… Anywayz, basically what I'm saying is, the Balrog ain't dead yet. In fact he's very much alive and angry. And so is Snape. 

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any Harry Potter related material in this Fic. That belongs to J.K. Rowling and her beautiful people. And Lord of the Rings stuff belongs to J.R.R Tolkien and his beautiful people. And the Don't Panic reference belongs to Douglas Adams and his beautiful people. 

I have a feeling this Chapter is going to be more dramatic than funny. I hope it reads ok, because I do find it extremely hard to write seriously, although I feel the story needs it for the plot to unravel. ~**Please**~ review this if you have the time and tell me how you think I did, especially Snape's scene! Thank you so much ^_^xox

**

Hermione whispered hoarsely to Ron,

"Gandalf was meant to fight and kill the Balrog…"

She watched as the creature drew itself up to its full height and crack (A/N: the oh so amazingly cool and I want it!) fiery whip, Snape still staring down after the falling wizard. Ron shrugged, 

"Snape was a Deatheater, I'm sure he can handle himself."

"I'm not so sure that he's in the right…state of mind…" Hermione replied quietly. 

**

Snape watched until Gandalf fell out of sight, with a crazed look on his face. Behind him Hermione had started screaming and the hobbits were wailing like 3-year-olds. Raising his head slowly he saw the Balrog growling at him. I have my wand, thought Snape dizzily, I have my power, I have my magic, I have my strength, I have a way… He glanced round to see Frodo hugging onto Strider. If I could, if I could only have the Ring… I could make myself… Master of this accursed place…

Echoes of everything that had happened the last few weeks resounded through his head, everything that had ever been said to him back at Hogwarts, all the abuse and disrespect, all the loneliness and the pain… all the wasted years. And here, here was his one chance to rule. To be worshipped, to be feared, to be in control. To break away from all that was, leaving him with only things that will, can and…Snape thought as he lifted his wand, SHOULD be…

"IMPERIO!"

Snape shrieked as he pointed his wand at the Balrog. Hermione screamed out to Snape to stop whatever he was doing, but her voice seemed to be so far away in his mind. He knew what he had to do, and he was going to do it. 

The Balrog's red eyes fluttered for a moment, then it screamed and grabbed at the company with its long, flaming fingers. Snape turned and watched as the others were trying to run away. Hermione was in tears and fumbling blindly to find her wand, but having difficulty as it was caught in her pocket. Somewhere inside him, Snape could hear himself telling him to stop what he was doing. But he couldn't. He had to have the ring. He had to own it. The Balrog was now nearing Frodo. All he had to do was grab the runt… grab the runt and bring him to ME…Snape hissed inside his head. 

Hermione pulled her wand out, hands shaking with fear, and her legs feeling like jelly. She stood up as firm as she could and looked past the demon to see Snape standing only meters away. His eyes were transfixed on Frodo. Hermione's eyes widened - suddenly she realised what was going on, it all made sense. The ring was overpowering him! It had sensed Snape's lust for revenge and for power, and had manipulated him into doing what he was doing now. 

"EXPELLIARMUS!"

Hermione yelled, her wand blasting Snape's wand out of his hand. Snape flushed with a sudden fear and realisation of what he was doing, what he had done. He fell forward in exhaustion and anger at himself. Hermione rushed over to him and collapsed down onto her knees to help him up. 

"Professor?" 

She handed him his wand, and tried to disguise her terror and her tear-stained face. Snape took his wand gratefully and murmured,

"I'm so sorry…I couldn't stop myself…"

He looked up to the Balrog and the frightened company who it was advancing on. Snape's eyes narrowed in a rage and he screamed forcefully, 

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"

There was the expected flash of light, and for a brief moment the red glow of the mines turned green. The Balrog stopped dead in its tracks, and then fell backwards down the deep and endless chasm that Gandalf had fallen down. Or been kicked down. 

There was a shocked silence. Snape couldn't face looking at any of them, and his hatred for the company members flowed back into his bloodstream. He rebuilt the stoney wall of his face.

"30 points from Gryffindor for hexing a teacher's wand!"

He spat at Hermione. (Although he felt bad afterwards as he noticed her tears.)

Right on cue, the hobbits 'oooooed' at Snape's point deduction, but not half as cheerfully as they would have normally done. But I suppose to be fair to them; they did just lose a close friend. A ninny, in Snape's opinion, but a friend nonetheless. 

**

"Wow." Whistled George through his teeth, "That was, well, pretty dramatic."

"Pretty humourless." Replied Fred.

Professor McGonagall tapped them both on the shoulder, causing them to drop The Book. She grinned happily,

"Pretty…exactly what I bet on?"

"Ah." The twins said at the exact same time. Fred scratched his head,

"Well, you see Professor…about the, um, winnings -"

"They will be on my desk by 6 o' clock tonight." Professor McGonagall stated. Then she flashed them a tight-lipped smile and walked off.

Fred and George shuffled their feet slightly as they saw a crowd of happy-looking Ravenclaws coming towards them, talking about them winning on their bet.

"Damn…When do we tell everybody that we have no money?" whispered George.

"Once we've safely arrived in Australia." Fred said with a worried look.

**

The God of Muggle Fiction (and Sardines) sat glaring at Dumbledore. Dumbledore smiled weakly and offered the god a glass bowl,

"Sherbet lemon?"

Dumbledore said hopefully. The god glared even harder through his thick glasses and said slowly, 

"Albus, Albus, Albus."

"Mugfic, Mugfic, Mugfic?" Dumbledore answered uncertainly. 

"Severus has just thrown Gandalf down the Mines of Moria. Severus has just tried to take the ring off Frodo by controlling the Balrog. I am *not liking* Severus, Albus. Do you understand what I am telling you?" 

"Um…to tell you the truth Mugfic, I have absolutely no clue as to what you are talking about. I was too busy playing with this snow globe." Dumbledore held the snow globe up and giggled happily. The god stood up and hit the snow globe from Dumbledore's hands, letting it fall onto the floor and shatter. The god continued,

"Albus, because of the stupidity and ignorance of Severus, you *will* pay a price. Something of great value to you will be taken away, and I do not mean to Disney Land."

"NO! Not my sherbet lemons!"

Dumbledore said, nearly in tears. The god looked at him in befuzzlement, then said,

"No… not your sherbet lemons. I mean something of even greater importance!"

Gasping Dumbledore grabbed at the Sorting Hat,

"Not Sorty! He's my only friend! He sings me songs!"

"NO!" bellowed the god, "Not that old hat either! I mean…," The god added a lovely drum roll effect at this point, "…HARRY POTTER!"

"Oh." Dumbledore thought for a moment, "Do I know him?"

The god sighed exasperatingly and disappeared in a puff of smoke muttering 'Forget it!' - leaving only the scent of sardines to remind Dumbledore of his presence. 

**

**A/N:** Ok, so I did my best at the Balrog scene. I hope it's good enough for y'all! The next chapter won't be so heavy; it should be back to my normal 'humour' – if you could call it that. Lots of love dearies, Keep smiling – until next time!

xox


	11. Ron's friend Jon & Galadriel's birdbath

**A/N:** Wow. I got a lot of reviews today. I'm glad everybody liked Chapter 10, cos I was really worried about how it would turn out, especially the Snape/Balrog scene. You know, I have noticed my notes have been taking up most of the Chapters…but o well. I'm a sociable person, I have to chat! 

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything Harry Potterish, Lord of the Ringish or anything else that pops up. They belong to J.K. Rowling (and her people) and J.R.R Tolkien (and his people) respectively. I do not make money out of doing this. I am just a hyper teen with way too much time on my hands. 

**

After the company cleared the mines of Moria and headed onto Lothlorien, Snape had explained to the company that Gandalf had fallen, and he had been unable to stop the fall. He also told everybody that Gandalf had left Snape in change of the Staff of Idiocy. They believed him, much to Snape's delight. The company now had a little more respect for Snape – after all, he DID kill the Balrog. And he could use his wand. Basically, nobody really wanted the experience of being on the other end of Snape's anger, in case they were turned into a rabbit themselves.

Ron was still after Hermione and Hermione was still after Legolas in a bid to go after Strider. Strider was still after Arwen and Arwen was, strangely enough, after Strider. But in the mind of Hermione Granger this would all change. It would also all change in the mind of Ron Weasley. Though, unfortunately, neither of them wanted to change the situation in the same way. (A/N: is that confusing? lol) 

**

Ron watched as Hermione wandered through the graceful woods of Lothlorien with Legolas. Stupid Legolas. That's the second time I've bothered my arse to save that girls life! And what does she do? She chooses another guy! Oh yeah, not to mention that who she chose is totally a girl. And so totally related to Professor Lockhart. Maybe he is Professor Lockhart? Ron thought for a bit about his last thought. Hmm, would that make Professor Lockhart a girl? That *would* explain a lot about his messed up memory of his second year life. Ron kicked at an innocent flower, who was only desperate to make an honest living out of being beautiful to feed its large family. 

"Mr Weasley, I suggest that if you have a personal problem that you do not take it out on living things."

Snape said from behind Ron. Ron huffed; he was in no mood to talk to Snape. He was fed up of the man. 

"Yeah, whatever Professor."

Ron said kicking another little flower down. Snape looked over to where Ron had been staring. Ah, thought Snape, so, Granger has a new friend. And Ron is jealous. How sad.  

"You never did tell me about your friend Jon and his…problems with women, Weasley." Snape smirked slightly as he said this, seeing the look of confusion on Ron's face. Ron thought for a second, Jon? Jon? I have a friend called Jon? Have I? Oh God, he means Ron! He means Ron – Jon! He means me! Ron put on a false smile,

"Oh yes. Um, it's nothing Professor. He's sorted it out."

"Really. He told you he'd sorted it out?" Said Snape raising an unbelieving eyebrow.

"Yes, yes. That's what, um, Jon did. He told me he'd sorted it out."

"He was able to contact you?"

"What?" said Ron, caught slightly off his guard.

"You've just spent the last 5 minutes bumbling on about how Jon told you he had sorted it out. Having only mentioned…Jon… to me on Weathertop, I am curious as to HOW Jon contacted you to tell you he had sorted it out when it was not, as we have been putting it, sorted out back then."

Ron blinked blankly at Snape's searching eyes.

Damn, thought Ron, why is this guy so closely related to a nasty trap that waits around for me to fall into?

**

Hermione let out a horrendous girly giggle at what Legolas had just said. What HAD he just said? She had no idea really, but she knew the only way to make a guy like you is to pamper his ego. So that's exactly what she was doing. And, thought Hermione smugly, she was doing it extremely well. 

"Oh, Legolas! You just leave me in tears! Really, you do!" 

Hermione said, pretending she was unable to catch her breath from laughter. The elf looked slightly confuzzled, and then smiled happily at Hermione. God, thought Hermione, this is so degrading. I shouldn't have to act up to make the guy like me. I will kill Strider. It's his fault that I'm having to do this. Sure, Legolas is sexy, sweet, cute, athletic, strong… Hermione let her jaw drop slightly, and then shook herself. Where was I? OH yes, I was listing Lovely Leggy's good points. But his good points aren't the POINT. 

The point was that she wanted Strider. She would perhaps have gone as far to say that she wanted him like a dog in heat, but that went against her morals. Yeah, right, who was she kidding? She DID want him like a dog in heat.

Hermione hadn't spoken to Ron since they left the mines of Moria. Man, that boy is driving me insane! Thought Hermione as she saw his bright red face breaking down as he talked to Snape through the trees. Twice now Ron had got in the way of her ingenious plans to be the damsel in distress. Twice now her chances of being rescued and swept up into the arms of Strider had been snatched from her. And she could almost swear that Ron had been watching her sleep the other night. She shivered. Ron was getting creepier by the day…

**

Dumbledore rolled his eyes, slightly annoyed that Professor McGonagall had barged in the way she had, and asked,

"What do you mean Harry is missing, Minerva?"

"I mean exactly what I said, Professor. Harry is missing."

"The boy is probably just hiding out in a dungeon somewhere driving himself insane. Give him a bit of time to come round to the idea of not being as interesting as he used to be."

"Was he ever interesting in the first place?" Professor McGonagall asked nervously. 

"Probably, though I can't remember for the life of me when." Dumbledore smiled, then he picked up The Book and returned to his reading.

**

Snape stared as Galadriel filled something that looked surprising like the birdbath he had sitting at home in his garden. Not that he ever let the birds use it. Like the creatures can't just go wash in a puddle or something, thought Snape angrily. Or fly in the rain. I mean, one would think that would make a pretty good substitute for a shower.

"Severus?"

Snape's eyes focused on Galadriel and he pulled himself out from his rants about birds. She smiled. Ooooo, thought Snape in a very hobbit-like fashion, she's cuter than she was a few hours ago! How did she do that?

"Yes?" asked Snape slowly.

"This," Galadriel let her hand swoop over the birdbath, "Is the Mirror Of Galadriel. The mirror shows many things. Things that were, things that are, and things that may not yet have come to pass."

"Delighted to hear that." Snape said icily.

"Come, look. But do not touch the water." 

Like he'd want to, Snape thought. God only knows what sort of diseases birds carry around with them. But what was he going to see? There was something in the eyes of the elf that he didn't like. They reminded him of…well, *himself*. Cautiously, and not before checking that no one else but Galadriel was around he peered into the 'mirror.'

And he saw…

Water. Snape squinted. It was water. Still water. 

Oh look; he could see himself squinting at the water.

No, wait… he could just make out an old man, an old man in a tower…Oh, he's gone, thought Snape as the water began swirling around. Snape saw the look on Gandalf's face as he had kicked him off the bridge's edge in Moria. Snape suppressed a happy chuckle. The image of Gandalf blended to form a new picture. It was Snape, Snape leaning over something. A body. It was a body. A blood stained body! Snape looked closer to figure out what was going on, when the scene changed to show a huge battlefield. That's Weasley! Snapes mind shouted as he saw the boy fall, sword in his side. What the hell was going on? He threw his head upwards to look at Galadriel, and saw Frodo and Sam arriving into the clearing from behind her.

"What are you showing me?" hissed Snape.

"I'm showing you nothing." Galadriel replied.

Snape and Galadriel held eyes for a moment, and then Snape growled slightly,

"Fine, be that way. I'll figure out your mind games. I'm not beyond stupidity…" Snape looked to Frodo and Sam, who smiled back at him. Snape continued, "Unlike these two, who, if they acquired any more brain cells, would be classified as plants!"

Then Snape, for the first time in this whole fic, turned dramatically on his heels and walked away, robes streaming out like water behind him. Though the effect was spoiled slightly because they were all ragged. But it was an impressive storming off nonetheless. 

**

**A/N:** Please review this if you liked it! Lots of luv & keep smiling,

xox

**Thank you to**: 

_Aniron Sauron Greenleaf_ – Took: My brother has hobbit-feet. Sorry, I just felt the world had to know that, lol.

_~*Ali Marie*~:_ Thank you for saying I have wit! That's the last thing I think I have!

_Sasery_: I know! Woe for the drama, but yes, Snape is not all evil. I do not want him to be! I want him to love me *sniffle* hehe!

_Vega Ikari_: I like crazy Snape too :)

_Elwen Rhiannon_ – But will Sevvie start to use his magic too much? That's what I worry about, cos even I don't know if he will yet!

_Zardiphillian Beryllix_ – If the whim should grab you and squeeze you very tight, you have my permission to illustrate. Hell, even if the whim just poked you lightly on the shoulder you can. Just tell me about it if/when you do lol!  


	12. I lost my heart to a Slytherin rogue

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing here. Seriously. Harry Potter stuff belongs to J.K. Rowling and Lord of the Rings belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. And their respective publishers, moviemakers, etc………I make no money from this. I make money from walking dogs in muddy fields. Seriously. 

**

Snape paced back and forth alone, or so he thought, in the glades of Lothlorien. That old man in the mirror! That man! Who was he? Why do I recognise him? Argh! This madcap world is driving me crazy! Why am I still here? Why can't I leave? Why hasn't Dumbledore done SOMETHING? I can't stand being around those hairy-footed imbeciles! And Weasley is driving me up the wall, why can't he just tell Granger that he likes her? I mean, I know it must be an embarrassment liking her, but come on; it's not the end of the world! Then again, she's been acting so sluttish recently I suppose it would be hard for the poor boy to say anything, being up against all that competition…Oh dear goodness! I think I'm going soft! I think I'm actually feeling sympathy! That's not good. Snape thought for a moment on how to reclaim his lack of softness that people had grown accustomed to. AHA! I'll TELL Granger about Weasley! Perfect. That kills two birds with one stone – first bird being revenging my slight feeling of sympathy for Ron by being nasty to him. Second bird – making his feelings known to Granger! Brilliant. I'm a genius, Snape grinned to himself.  

"Severus?"

Snape turned round and saw Galadriel staring up into his face. Ooooo, thought Snape, ever so hobbit-like again, she just gets prettier by the minute! I must find out what she's taking for that…

"…Yes…?" he replied.

"You know," Galadriel blushed, "My mirror told me that I'd meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger today…"

Snape grinned.

**

MEANWHILE, back in Dumbledore's office, Voldemort sat in a lovely little black suit opposite Dumbledore reading The Book for the first time. Voldemort raised a thin, shaped eyebrow and said,

"Severus Snape? Tall…Yes. Dark…Yes. Handsome?" Voldemort looked to Dumbledore, "We…*are* talking about the same Severus Snape, right?"

Dumbledore smiled and shrugged as he tickled Fawkes under his chin,

"Each one to their own, Voldie."

Voldemort shut the book, gave a slight smile and said slowly, 

"Albus, there are some sick, sick minded people in this world. But this…well, there's sick and there's *sick*. I mean, you would know…" 

Voldemort glanced over to the Sorting Hat suddenly, which had a brand new pink ribbon tied around it. Dumbledore sat up in his chair and said unhappily,

"What I do in my spare time is my own business."

"Ye-es…"

"Hah! Surely you haven't forgotten your ~own~ little 'escapade' the other summer?"

Voldemort and Dumbledore looked at each other in silence. The silence went on for several, deep-thinking-wish-I-could-forget minutes. Both men coughed uncomfortably at the exact same time, and Dumbledore picked up a file with the words – Voldemort's 7-year Contract, written on it. 

"Anyway, the reason why I brought you here was to discuss this. Now, I know we agreed that this year you could take Harry out on the Quidditch pitch during the Slytherin/Gryffindor match on the…" Dumbledore checked his notes, "On the 15th March. But we all feel that perhaps we should wait until next year – Harry is suffering severe mental problems from being out-shined by his seemingly uninteresting sidekicks and most hated Professor. Not a pleasant thing to have happen to the boy."

Voldemort nodded, "Too true, too true."

"So," Dumbledore continued, "In light of these problems, we all agree that we don't think Harry would put up a good enough fight for the readers – in fact it's highly likely he would kill himself before you even got a chance to have a little fun."  

Voldemort waved his hand dismissively,

"No sweat Albus! I'm fine with that – I've just bought a new beach house in the Caribbean, so a few ladiezzz and me are heading out there this weekend. You know, being an evil bad guy really does wonders for your sex life! Now I understand why the Mafia get such hot babes," Voldemort paused for a second, for the sole purpose of comic timing, then said, "…They've all got big guns."

Voldemort winked and gave out a dirty laugh as Dumbledore chuckled at the could-be-taken-in-a-sexual-way joke. The Author giggled quietly in the background so they didn't hear her. After a few moments of breath catching, Dumbledore smiled happily and said,

"So I'll pencil you in for the NEXT spring term then?"

"Sure thing." Voldemort and Dumbledore shook hands.

"Great doing business with you Albus."

**

Ron walked happily along the little stone path into a lovely little clearing in the woods of Lothlorien. He started to whistle to himself. Oh sure, so he didn't have Hermione – so what? He wasn't going to let that get him down. Oh, thought Ron, who am I trying to fool? Of course it's getting me down! And now that bugger of a man Snape knows! He'll ruin everything, he always does! Looking up from the ground, Ron thought to himself, speak of the devil…and he appears! 

Snape was across on the other side of the clearing with Galadriel. 

"Oh, Severus! You're so dark and mysterious!"

Galadriel said wide-eyed. Snape nodded, sighing,

"I know, I know."

"Oh! Screw my marriage to Celeborn! You're the man for me Severus!"

Snape grinned, then grabbed Galadriel into his arms and kissed her passionately as cheesy elf love music played in the background.

Ron watched what he was seeing and felt his heart having an arrest in his chest. He suddenly turned and ran from the clearing screaming,

"Ewwwwwwww! Sick! Gross! That's just…just…WRONG! I NEED a SHOWERRRRRRRRR!"

(Ron would like the Author to include that he was mentally scarred for life after seeing this scene. He had nightmares every night about Snape lips running after him. It was disturbing.)

**

Everyone in the Great Hall sat with his or her jaws wide open and touching the floor in a mixture of horror/disgust/disbelief over what The Book had just recorded their Potions Master doing. Several of the girls cried. At the teachers table Professor McGonagall, Madam Hooch and Professor Trelawney (who had actually come out of her tower) all stood up. Then, in unison, they all swooned in a chorus of "Oh Severus!"

This prompted everyone in the Great Hall to close their mouths and instead give the three teachers strange looks. Except the several crying girls, who had fainted in a chorus of "Oh Professor!"

**

The Fellowshippers (minus Gandalf the Murdered (…or is he?)) all received wondrous gifts from Galadriel. Well, wondrous is such a strong word…

Ron received a little metal tin from Galadriel. And it had a tear in it. One of her tears. Yeah, thought Ron sarcastically, like a tear is going to help me any. What a great gift, gosh, I'm *so* pleased with it. Oh well, I suppose I can't always get cool presents. Wait, I never *do* get cool presents. Ron huffed to himself; I've lost count of the number of woolly jumpers with the letter 'R' on them that I've received over the years…  

Hermione received a small Elfish/English dictionary. Ohhh, this is so interesting! That Galadriel really knows how to give out good gifts…but how did she know I liked books and languages? AHA! Perhaps Strider told her that I was interested in the elfish language! So, he DOES love me! I knew it! He's just to afraid to admit it… not to worry, once I learn my elfish words for, "Hey gorgeous, what's a guy like yourself doing in a place like this?" I'll have him at my disposal! Hermione sighed, oh Strider…

Snape had avoided Galadriel after their *brief* meeting in the woods. But she had caught up with him as they were boarding the boats to leave Lothlorien and she had given him a gift. A necklace. Oh goody, thought Snape rolling his eyes, just the accessory I need! Like she couldn't have given me something better, such as a weapon? But the world is cruel to me, as always, and I was given a necklace. Snape peered at the little jewel hanging from the chain, it was green and silver…and curled into a little 'S'…

**

As they were about to set sail, Galadriel ran up to Snape and said tearfully,

"Severus! When will I see you again?" 

Snape sighed and patted her on her hand, 

"I'm sorry Galadriel, I just don't think a long-distance relationship would work." 

And you gave me a bleeding necklace, thought Snape, I mean, what were you trying to do? Completely rob me of *all* my dignity?! 

The boats drifted on down the steam and for a strange twisted reason, (ie. Some sort of temporal flux in the world of books) the Author, Professor McGonagall, Madam Hooch, Professor Trelawney and several female Hogwarts students appeared on the shore. These new, momentary arrivals and Galadriel sang to the Fellowshippers as they left…

_"I lost my heart to a Slytherin rogue_

_To his dark eyes and his dark robes_

_I lost my heart to a Slytherin rogue_

_My heart was open………yet his was closed"_

Then all broke down into tears, and the Author, Professor McGonagall, Madam Hooch, Professor Trelawney and the several female Hogwarts students disappeared and went back to where they were meant to be, with broken hearts. 

**

**A/N:** This is the point where I plead for your reviews of this story, lol. ^_^ **Please** review? 

Thank you's:

(Was meant to say thankies to _Clare_ and the _anonymous reviewer_ in Chapter 11 but it was 4am and I was completely zonked and left them out! Sorry! Thank you!!!)

_Zardiphillian Beryllix_ – I know, I had to have a storming off somewhere! I just can't believe I haven't had him do it at all in 10 chapters! 

 _Sasery_ – Why don't you love me literally :(? Joking! Hehe.

_Gaz _– Mwahahahahaaaaa! I have you caught reading a Harry Potter (minus Harry) fic! Hehe, I'll make you love Snape yet, my dear!

_~*Ali Marie*~_ - The main focus will be kept on Snape, Hermione and Ron, cos that's what I wanted to do when I started this! Don't worry :)


	13. Oh my gosh! The Fellowshippers are SPLIT...

**Disclaimer:** *yawns lots and lots* Like I own anything here! Ok, Harry Potter related stuff belongs to J.K. Rowling and her people etc. J.R.R. Tolkien and his people own all Lord of the Ring's related stuff. I own nothing and I make no money from doing this. All I get from writing this is a sore neck, lack of sleep, coffee addiction…I could ramble on for ages :) Ooooo I also don't own Monty Python and the Holy Grail! It belongs to whoever owns it! LONG LIVE MONTY PYTHON! *Throws them lots of kisses*

**

Dumbledore opened the doors to the Great Hall in a dramatically fun way, and as he stood in the doorframe everybody went silent. He sighed as looked around him. There were protesters everywhere, all brandishing silver and green protester board things, i.e. placards.

"Now, now, what seems to be the problem?"

Dumbledore smiled in that all-knowing-yet-seemingly-stupid way of his at the angry mob of people. Lucius Malfoy stepped forward,

"Albus! This time you've gone too far!"

He pointed at the Slytherin banners and flags. Which were still pink and lilac. And which still had cute little rabbits pictured all over them. Dumbledore blinked,

"Yes?"

Lucius sighed irritably, 

"ALBUS! The Slytherin colours have been changed to," Lucius tried to control his anger, as his red face spat out the words, "PINK and LILAC." 

A small white rabbit hopped over and jumped onto Lucius' shoe. And went to the toilet. Lucius growled,

"And the …mascot has been changed to… rabbits. Lots. Of. RABBITS."

Dumbledore nodded, for Lucius had made a fair assessment of the situation. 

"So it appears."

"WELL?"

"Well what?" asked Dumbledore innocently, loving every moment of the conversation.

"We," Lucius waved across the Great Hall, which was packed with Slytherin students and their ex-Slytherin parents, "Would like it changed back to the way it was IMMEDIATELY. Or we shall be informing the Ministry of this indignity you have imposed on us!"

Cheers erupted throughout the hall at Lucius' short yet thoroughly prepared threat/speech. Dumbledore sighed and gave a wave of his hand, changing the colours back to silver and green, and returning snakes back to the Slytherin house flags. Dumbledore decided to leave the protesters to do their own thing, and left the Great Hall closing the doors behind him.

Honestly, thought Dumbledore, they're such moaners in that house! There's nothing wrong with rabbits. Have they never seen the terrifying rabbit in Monty Python and the Holy Grail?! That's enough to scare the daylights out of anyone on a Quidditch pitch…Dumbledore peered through the keyhole at the Slytherins. 

"…URRRRRRRRRGHHHHHH - ARRRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHH…" Screamed Dumbledore inside himself too shocked to let a sound actually pass his lips. 

They were doing… THE SECRET SLYTHERIN VICTORY DANCE!

Dumbledore was rushed to Madam Pomfrey, suffering from severe shock/freaked-out-ness/repulsion/emotional scarring and was unable to speak until hours later. 

It was… a sight. 

**

The Fellowshippers were all in separate boats floating merrily along the river that they were on. It was a stunning journey, because of the stunning surroundings with lots of beautiful trees and the like. (A/N: I'm sure you get the idea, I trust your luvlie imaginations lol)

Snape, Sam, Boromir and Frodo were in one boat. Frodo was asleep, and Sam had been giving Boromir and Snape dirty glares every time they looked at Frodo. Sam oooooed suddenly and grabbed onto Snapes arm. Snape pushed him off and said angrily,

"What did you do that for?!"

Sam quivered and pointed over the edge of the boat near to where Snape sat. Snape peered over the edge and saw nothing but what looked like a drifting log. 

"Mr. Severus sir, that…that log has… has EYES!"

Snape rolled his eyes and turned to Sam. 

"Are you deliberately trying to get on my nerves? Are you asking for me to throw you overboard? I am NOT in the mood for silly hobbit games – nor will I ever be. Now live me in peace before I do something irrational that I'll regret."

Or not regret, thought Snape, who would be happy enough for the hobbit to drown – and would feel no remorse over drowning him personally. Sam pulled on Snape's robes again,

"Seriously, sir, the log has EYES!"

"Oh for goodness sake Samwise Gamgee! LOGS DON'T HAVE EYES!"

Snape looked at the strange log again, and there were no eyes that he could see. Snape's head was pounding – he hated travelling on water. And now the stupid hobbit was trying to wind him up with this absurd notion of logs with eyes. 

"I'm sorry to have to say this Mr. Severus," said Sam with a slight huff to his tone, "I may be seen as a simpleton, sir, and I may be seen as the village idiot, sir, but I know a pair of eyes when I see them and I see a PAIR…OF… EYES!"

Snape tightened his hands into fists slowly and smirked slightly,

"You are right on two accounts: Yes, you are a simpleton. Yes, you are the village idiot. But there are no damn EYES on that damn LOG!"

Snape glared down at Sam, who glared back (much to Snape's annoyance) then turned away and tended to a now woken up Frodo. Snape fixed his pulled-on robes and stared out across the water. After a couple of minutes of deep thought and pondering about lots of random stuff, Snape looked down at the log again. 

"Hah, eyes!"

Snape said quietly to himself, in mocking of Sam. Snape was getting fed up of being here, and was now beginning to worry over how long he would actually be stuck in Middle-Earth. Bored, Snape took out his wand and give the floating log-looky-likey an experimental prod. 

"Eeeeee! It hurts usss my precioussssssss!" 

The log squealed in pain then disappeared under water. Snape blinked slowly at the place where the obviously not-a-log had been, then glanced over to Sam, who hadn't noticed what had just happened. Ah, thought Snape, that was slightly worrying… but whatever it was had gone now at least, right?

**

Later on, the Fellowshippers were setting up camp on the shore.

Hermione was happily learning elfish and talking to Legolas – with much twirling of her hair and crossing of her legs and other flirty things. Everything was going amazingly and totally perfectly for Hermione. Ron hadn't put his stupid foot in it for ages, and she was actually getting a response from Legolas! And the response from Legolas was also causing Strider to turn his head…Ok, well he turned his head once and that was to tell her that she had crumbs on her face, but hey, at least he was LOOKING at her face to notice the crumbs! Whoohoo, thought Hermione, everything is fitting in place perfectly! Now, all I have to do is get Legolas devoted to me, get Strider jealous by continuous cuddling, then dump Legolas once Strider admits his love! Oh, this is going to be so simple. 

Ron sat staring at Hermione and Legolas. It wasn't fair. It just wasn't fair. How in any conceivable way was this fair? He'd been with her since the beginning in Hogwarts! Had always stood up for her and cared for her… Ron sniffled slightly and wiped his eyes. 

Boromir slammed his fist down on the ground dangerously close to Snape's leg. Snape was now wondering if being 'friends' with the crazed loon was safe. For he really was concerned for his own safety – regardless of having his wand back or not. Boromir was still raving on about wanting the ring. Snape had tried to explain that perhaps it was best to just let it go, after all there were other methods to gaining power…but Boromir's heart and mind remained fixated on the ring. And Snape could do nothing about it, except for put on a false smile. 

Then Snape made a mistake. 

"Boromir, if you want the ring so much, then just TAKE the damn thing! One little hobbit shouldn't be too hard to overpower." Snape pointed to where he'd just seen Frodo walk off alone into the woods, and said, in what he thought was a joking way, 

"Look, now's your chance!"

Then added under his breath, "Go fetch…"

Boromir's eyes lit up and he then ran after Frodo. Snape opened his mouth to say something along the lines of, "Sh*t, I didn't mean you to actually go AFTER…" but decided not to bother, and to just pretend that he had nothing to do with whatever was about to happen. 

**

Snape was awoken rudely from his slumber by Hermione, who was babbling a lot of nonsense. 

"GIRL! Calm down! And for goodness sake BREATHE! You're going blue!"

Snape shouted, shaking her. Hermione took several deep breaths. Ok, Hermione, calm down… peace, love, and serenity…thought Hermione. Now form words! Speak to Snape! Hermione opened her mouth and closed it again. Snape made a hand gesture, as if to say 'Hello? Hurry up, I don't have all day………'

"Attack-Boromir-horn-Frodo-orcs!"

Hermione said quickly. Both looked confused. Hermione started again,

"That came out wrong!"

"I guessed as much." Snape sneered, "And I suggest that if you aren't going to speak sense, then don't speak AT ALL." Snape paused for a moment and looked around, to see only her and Ron, 

"Miss Granger, where is everybody?"

Hermione sagged and said slowly,

"Frodo is missing. Orcs have attacked. Merry and Pippin have run off. Boromir followed. The others are fighting in the clearing behind us. HELP."

On those words, a cousin of the dramatic scene in Moria popped round for a cup of tea and to make Boromir blow his horn on Hermione's 'HELP'. Snape realised that Hermione had been trying to tell him that they were in some form of danger. He looked at her unsure face,

"Miss Granger, I think, perhaps, that you and Weasley should follow after Strider and the others… they are better equipped to fight. I…" Snape looked at the place where Boromir's horn had come from, "I will try and find Boromir and help him…"

Snape stood up and took out his wand. As he ran in the direction of Boromir's horn, he turned to face Hermione and a white-faced Ron and said blankly, 

"…Please…keep safe."

Snape's eyebrows furrowed in worry at the two of them, and then he ran on into the woods. Hermione and Ron looked at each other. 

"That…sounded like he was actually *concerned* about us…" Hermione said softly.

"Hell, of course he is!" Ron grinned, even though he was laying a brick in his pants over the orcs running towards him, "If we die – Dumbledore won't give him his pay-cheque!"

**

"BOROMIR!" 

Snape screamed as he saw the man trying to fight off way too many orcs for his own good. Snape raised his wand, thank God I have use of it, he thought. As he opened his mouth to say the word to blast all the mutilated creatures to pieces, he heard thunder and saw a little puff of smoke. 

"HAH!"

Snape turned to face the person who had just said 'HAH' in such an obnoxious way. The God of Muggle Fiction (and Sardines) fixed his glasses and grinned. Snape stared and said, confuzzled, 

"Who are you?"

"Who I am does not matter! What I am HERE for does!"

The god picked up a large piece of wood and hit Snape around the head. Before Snape hit the ground and passed out, he could make out the stranger's voice saying,

"You've been ruining everything! I'M NOT ALLOWING YOU TO SAVE THE DAY NOW!"

**

Hermione ran over to an arrow-filled Boromir. Ron whispered into her ear,

"Man, you couldn't fit another arrow in that chest even if you tried!"

Hermione hit him angrily, then turned her attentions to a dying Boromir,

"Boromir? Can you hear me?"

She asked him firmly. Boromir nodded slightly,

"I tried to take the ring from…"

Hermione cut him off, saying,

"I know! I know! That much was obvious! But where is Professor Snape? Merry? Pippin?"

Boromir raised a hand slowly and pointed in the direction of lots of orc footprints. Hermione gave Ron an upset look, 

"The orcs have got them."

"But… But Snape had his wand!" said Ron desperately.

Boromir waved his hand at the two of them,

"Hello? I'm dying!"

Hermione and Ron ignored him. Hermione stood up,

"I know he had his wand… something must have happened…"

Ron stared after Hermione as she took a couple of steps forward. 

"What… what happens now?"

She shook her head slightly,

"I don't really know. I suppose we are to follow Strider," Hermione sighed - because there is no way I am leaving that guy! She smiled at Ron, "And Snape, is to go to with Merry and Pippin."

"What about Frodo and Sam?" asked Ron.

"They," Hermione waved to Legolas as he came bounding through the trees, then turned back to Ron, "Are buggering off on their own to Mordor."

In the background, Boromir gave up on trying to get attention from the two kids and let out his dying groan of – 'I hate being the ignored character.'

***END BOOK ONE – BEING THE TALE OF THE FELLOWSHIPPERS OF THE RING***

**

ROLL ON THE NEVER-ENDING AUTHOR'S NOTES………Hehehe.

(Including an explanation about the Snape/Galadriel thing)

**A/N:** Going by the book, this chapter spills into the Two Towers, but no matter! Thus, the Fellowshippers are broken. Man, I can't believe I've still got two books to go! I can't wait! Though I'm having trouble figuring out what'll happen later in the 2nd book and the start of the 3rd. Not to worry, re-reading them will give me some clue as to what to do. If you have any small suggestions/ideas (for Hogwarts/Middle-Earth) feel free to email me at (oogieboogiesboys@hotmail.com)! 

Ok, btw: Snape and Galadriel? Don't ask WHY I did that. But, I had inspiration from when a got a review (from _Elwen Rhiannon_ - thank you :)!) saying 'How about Trelawney as Galadriel?' 

I thought 'Hmmm. What is normally associated with fortune-tellers? Galadriel's mirror could be a Middle-Earth crystal ball! AHA – TALL, DARK, HANDSOME STRANGERS.'  **Cliché**! So I thought why not? 

In my mind I thought it would be cute to make Galadriel like Snape. He got it so hard in Bree when a barmaid slapped him :(!!!! And everybody else has someone…

I'm not sure if I should make Snape *like* her yet, although I may add a little twist at the end about it that I thought up last night. So keep glued to that and you may see it again once I reach like chapter bazillion… hehe.

 **THANK YOU TO:**  _Skateboarding chick, the anonymous reviewer, Cutie Pie, Clare, Aniron Sauron Greenleaf – Took, QueenPurresphone, Uratigid, digitaru, Sasery, Mary Snape!!!!!_


	14. BOOK:THE SECONDChance4revenge&Snape in a...

**A/N :** This chapter deals with Snape, with some back-at-Hogwarts scenes. The next chapter will be Hermione/Ron.

**Disclaimer:** Must I remind myself continuously that I don't own anything? It's all very depressing for me… Ok – Harry potter stuff here, all J.K. Rowling's and her peoples. Lord of the Rings stuff? All J.R.R Tolkien's and his peoples. I don't own anything here and I don't get any money from this and…why do I even bother? Lol. 

**

**BOOK: THE SECOND – BEING THAT OF THE CONTINUING TALE OF THE (NOW BROKEN UP) FELLOWSHIPPERS OF THE RING AND A COUPLE OF TOWERS.**

**

Darkness was what he needed. Darkness was what he craved for. Darkness was all he wanted. Well, that and to reclaim his fame. Anyway, darkness was all he could think of… So what better place to retreat to in search of darkness than Snape's dungeon? Perfectly logical in Harry's mind.

Harry looked…awful. He hadn't washed in over a week. He had spoken to no one. Except himself, of course (for he could find no sane conversation anywhere else.) 

This is where it all started, Harry thought, this is where my life was ruined by my two best friends. Harry pulled out The Book, which he had stolen from the Great Hall earlier that day. From its golden stand at the front of the hall where my picture used to sit, Harry added to himself bitterly. Harry began hitting his head with The Book and repeating the only phrase he'd been saying out loud all week over and over and over… 

"Got to be famous again, got to be famous again, got to be famous again…"

From behind he heard a slight coughing. Harry ignored it.

"So… You want to be famous?"

The voice was so oily it was slipping through the speaker's throat. Harry rolled his eyes at those words,

"I am famous."

"You *were* famous."

"I am famous."

"No, you *were* famous. And anyway, if you *are* famous, then you wouldn't be saying 'Got to *be* famous again' like some sort of mantra. Comprehend?"

Harry's eyes narrowed. He still hadn't turned around to face the person he was talking to, but he already hated them. With a large amount of hate. Not as much as he hated his best friends, but it was still a pretty hefty amount of hate. Irritated, Harry said,

"I survived the killing curse and caused the downfall of Voldemort!"

"Oh, come on Harry! That is sooo 1980's! Get with the times my boy, you've got to better yourself to stay in the limelight!"

Harry turned round with a twitching eye to face the speaker. He looked… exactly as Harry had always imagined the Devil would look in human form. 

"Oh my God! You're Satan!"

Harry screamed and pointed. The speaker sighed angrily.

"No. I am *not* Satan. But thank you for referring to me as your god. For that is what I am." The speaker smirked, in a very Snapeish way, "I am the God of Irrepressible Vengeful Thoughts and Insanity."

Harry stared at the god. The god stared at Harry. There was silence. The god broke the silence, shouting,

"For goodness sake! I'm here to give you revenge!"

Harry's eyes lit up.

"Revenge…?"

"That's what I said. Name it and I shall do it."

"You mean… get back at Hermione and Ron and Snape for stealing my glory?"

"Yes."

The god smiled cruelly.

**

Numerous orcs surrounded Snape, Merry and Pippin. Snape could feel his feet burning and growing heavier with each step. Jeez, for heavy looking buggers they certainly move with speed, thought Snape. Suddenly, he heard a large CRACK and felt a searing pain across his back. 

"I hope you know that…" Snape started, and he was whipped again. Snape bit his lip, then continued, "That this is *extremely* degrading!"

Nameless Orc number one whipped Snape across the back of his calves, and shouted,

"Shuddup you slimy git and MOVE IT! Talkin' just gets me MAD!"

Snape rolled his eyes and tried to continue walking, despite the obvious pain running up and down his whole body. 

"I'm surprised your vocal chords have evolved far enough to let you make any intelligible sounds…" muttered Snape under his breath. 

Snape felt something pulling at his robes, but was unable to distinguish what it was due to the aches and discomforts running in waves throughout him. From behind him, he could hear a loud, guff voice exclaim,

"Oi! Boys! Look at this! That greasy scumbag of a man was carrying it!"

Snape's eyes widened in horror and he desperately tried to turn to see what it was Nameless Orc number two had taken from his robes, already fearing what it was. From beside him, Snape heard Pippin squeal,

"Ooooo! Sevvie! Look what Nameless Orc number two has!"

Snape frantically tried to turn to shout at Pippin, but was kicked in the stomach by a nearby orc who just laughed as Snape doubled over due to being winded. Oh no, please Lord, Snape thought, I've never asked much of you, in fact I've never asked anything of you, but please, don't let that dratted hobbit say anything. For once let the damn thing keep his MOUTH SHUT! 

God obviously wasn't listening to Snape. For Pippin continued,

"Sevvie! Did you hear me? Nameless Orc number two has your WAND!"

Pippin screamed as he was whipped. Snape nearly fell over in a depressive pile of uselessness. Nameless Orc number two grabbed Snape roughly by the shoulder, nearly dislocating it and yelled,

"Wand? WAND? You a wizard grease-bucket?!"

Snape opened his mouth to say 'Why yes, actually, whatever gave you that idea?' but thought the better of it as he was thumped in the back by Nameless Orc number two as the oaf shouted,

"…'Cos we're not too fond of wizards 'ere, are we lads?"

All the orcs screamed 'NOOOOO!' in unison, in harsh and nasty voices. Sh*t, thought Snape, this is turning out to be just a perfect day for me, isn't it. Snape refrained from answering the orc's question about wizards, even though the orc asked him the question a second time. I mean, what was Snape supposed to do? He wasn't planning on arguing with over 30 orcs who were whipping his back raw without possession of his wand! 

"Wizards live up their own bums!" screamed Nameless Orc number three. Choruses of 'Yeah! You tell 'im!' rang out from the throng of orcs. Snape grimaced; I'm stuck with a large group of wizard-hating, vicious buffoons. I need my wand. Now.

"Umm…" Snape caught the eye of Nameless Orc number two, "…May I have my…ehh…*stick* back?"

The orc grinned, if that was what it was – Snape was rather unsure, then used Snape's wand to scratch himself in the trouser area. Snape half gagged then muttered,

"Uh…Nevermind…"

Pippin had made his way over to near Snape. Snape glared the best he could at the hobbit, whose loud response was,

"But Sevvie! You can't let them have that! That's your wa…!"

Snape suddenly lunged for Pippin and tackled him to the ground. As the orcs went into uproar and a frenzied rush to pull the two prisoners apart, Snape just had enough time to hiss violently in Pippin's ear,

"For once in your sorry existence JUST DON'T TALK!"

 Snape was dragged away from Pippin and beaten. Pippin was picked up off the ground and slung over Nameless Orc number one's shoulder looking upset and saying,

"…but…but…Sevvie…"

**

**A/N:** Shall have what's going on with Hermione and Ron written + posted in a couple of days. 

**Thanks to:**

_DragonLady _- He loses his heart to………*mumbles* you'll find out in later chapters ^_^

_Anonymous Reviewer_ – I did re-read fast! Ok………well I listened to the BBC LOTR radio play………*is lazy-ass*

_Sasery_ – Yup. I want more reviews. Mwahahahahaaaaa. 

_Zardiphillian Beryllix_ - ^_^ Thanks for still reviewing!!!

_pinkDevil _– Thank you!

_Lataradk _– Rings, rings everywhere ^_^

_Gabriele_ – Thank you! I'm glad you liked the story ^_^

_Digitaru_ – Mwahahahahaaaaa torture the Slytherins again? It's a possibility……… *Snape shouts angrily at the Author who whistles innocently* 

_Nicolette_ – I'm glad you enjoy it!!! Whoohoo! I enjoy writing it!

_Snowdrift_ – I would watch out for that dance if I were you……… it can reduce people to quivering masses of craziness!

_Silver*Chime_ –Ooooo, you said a lot of thank you's! Thank you, lol ^_^

**Please** review! *begs desperately* 


	15. Ron's flufffilled moment&The Book is pre...

**A/N:** Whoohoo! Good exam results YAAAY! So I'm in a happy mood and ready to write… which is always good – right? This chapter will deal with Hermione and Ron, and other such stuff…

**Disclaimer:** Moi? Moi? I do not own zis…zis abomination *screams the Author loudly in a weird accent*! Haha, only joking. No wait – I'm not! I don't own this! J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter stuff (and her respective publishers/moviemakers/copyright holders…). And J.R.R Tolkien owns all the Lord of the Ring's stuff – well his publishers/moviemakers/copyright holders do… I make no money from this. Sadly.

**

Hermione watched as the delectable Strider paced back and forth, his eyebrows moving up and down in thought. For a man of his stunning good looks and connections to Gondor, he certainly didn't have the brains Hermione had expected to see. 

"If only we could figure out which way the orcs went!"

Strider said angrily. Hermione rolled her eyes and smiled, as she took Strider's hand and pointed to the path covered in retreating orc footprints. That was where Boromir had pointed to after all. 

"They went that way."

Strider shook his hand free of Hermione. Oh! The cheek of that man! Well… I suppose I can forgive him this ONCE, thought Hermione as she stared at his lovely rear end. Strider was now shaking Boromir's body vigorously and yelling at it,

"How will we ever know where they went? Oh Boromir! If only you had lived to tell us!"

Hermione sighed and gave Strider a clip around the ear, saying,

"He DID! The orcs went *that* way!"

Hermione once again found herself pointing to the only road out of the clearing and being given dirty looks from the man that she loved. Or lusted after. It was becoming increasingly hard to distinguish between the two terms. But whatever it was she felt – she felt it strongly. Strider stood towered over her and glaring, hissed at her,

"Have you *never* heard of giving-the-strong-sexy-warrior-a-moment-of-drama-in-which-he-will-solve-the-mystery-and-so-be-loved-even-more!?"

Hermione looked up into Striders eyes and oooooed aloud. This is such a nice situation! He's so powerful and masculine… I think he wants me. Yeah, he definitely wants me. Look at that smouldering look he's giving me! Hermione stared at Strider for a couple of minutes, until he ARGH-ed very loudly in frustration and said,

"Look! Gimmie a break and let me be the hero I'm meant to be!" 

Strider walked off in an upset huff at Hermione's know-it-all-ness. From behind her Hermione heard Gimli shout suddenly,

"My first line in the fic! Listen to me! I found Tolkiens! TOLKIENS! Tolkiens our young hobbit friends were given by the Lady Galadriel!"

Gimli held up a couple of sparkling items. Ron's face crumpled up in slight confusion,

"Don't you mean tokens?"

"That's what I said. Tolkiens."

Ron shrugged and ignored the Dwarf and the Authors very lame joke. Strider grabbed the broaches from Gimli's hand and exclaimed,

"AHA! This must be a clue! The orcs must have gone this way and the hobbits dropped their broaches for us to find!"

Strider pointed heroically (as that was his job) down the orc-footprint covered road that Hermione had been signalling to for the last few minutes. She sighed,

"I already *told* you they went that way!"

Strider ignored Hermione and ran ahead with Gimli. Ron came up behind Hermione and took her hand. Smiling in the sweetest, most romantic and fluff-filled way that he could possibly smile, he said softly,

"I believed you when you said they went *that* way…"

Ron grinned inside his mind. That line was a good line. It had to be, for he'd spent the last three minutes making it up. Hermione let out an exasperated sigh and threw Ron away from her. Narrowing her eyes she said in an annoyed manner,

"You were THERE when Boromir told me they'd gone that way Ron, of course you had to believe me! And you could've at least stood up for me in front of Strider about it!"

With a flick of her hair, Hermione turned on her heels and walked over to a happily waiting Legolas. Ron went bright red and watched as Hermione hugged Legolas. 

"Oh! OHHHH!" shouted Ron in the general direction of Hermione, "And I suppose Legolas there *did* stand up for you, did he? EY?!"

Hermione keep walking.

"HAH! You know I could braid my hair like that too, if I wanted to!" Ron shook his fists angrily and his brain tried in desperation to scream to his facial muscles to tell them to stop working, so Ron would shut up. Pausing to think about what he had just said, Ron quickly added,

"Which for the record – I don't! Braids are for girls! And I'm a man! A M-A-N!"

Ron breathed for the first time in over two minutes. And realised that he was standing alone in the clearing with only a bemused looking squirrel listening to what he had to say. And what he was saying wasn't a lot, and wasn't very intelligible.

** 

Dumbledore had wrestled The Book off Harry with considerable difficulty. This was understandable seeing as Harry was a crazed, rabid, insane 16 year old who played sports and Dumbledore was technically an old man with arthritis. The fact that Dumbledore was a powerful wizard was neither here nor there. Anyway, Dumbledore had finally got The Book back, and Harry was now glaring at Dumbledore, eyes twitching madly,

"It's mine! My book! It's… it's PRECIOUS to me!"

Dumbledore took a step back from Harry and nodded slightly,

"Um, Harry, it's not your book. It belongs to the school library…"

"My precious! It's mine! MINE!"

Harry made a grab for The Book, but Dumbledore jumped safely out of the way in time. 

"Precious? It's a scruffy old book, Harry. There's nothing precious about it. Oh well… I suppose if you count the fact that the three lives currently trapped in The Book are precious (to someone somewhere) The Book itself *could* be called precious. But it's still just a book."

Dumbledore smiled, not really knowing why he just said what he said or if what he just said made any real sense. Harry scowled then ran to the door, but before leaving he turned and shouted,

"I've made a new friend! I'll have revenge! REVENGE! You'll all be sorry! Thieves! All thieves! Stealing my fame! Stealing my precioussss!"

Harry seemingly swatted away a fly from his face, and then sneaked out the office door. Dumbledore went to the door, peered out and called after the running Harry,

"Go see Madam Pomfrey! She can do wonders for that lisp you've picked up!"

Dumbledore opened The Book as he sat down and giggled over Harry. What a silly little attention seeker, thought Dumbledore, oh well, I'm sure he'll get used to being a nobody soon enough. He's going to have to. 

**

**A/N:** The next chapter will be longer, I promise. And up quicker than this one was. My apologies for the lateness of this update, but I've been *really* busy the last couple of days! Anywayz, if any of you have any little ideas etc for either Middle-Earth (esp. Hermione/Ron) or back at Hogwarts let me know, my email is oogieboogiesboys@hotmail.com. 

_Mandy Snape_ – Thanks for the excellent review! ^_^ Aww, thank you! Ooooo, LOTR's in HP world? That would be a task, lol.

_Zardiphillian Beryllix_ – Ooooo fav's list? Thanks teehee!!!!

_Sasery_ – I love Nameless Orc number two too! 

_Dpocvyper _– Hehe, this has me up late writing it when I have work in the morning! 

_Jencraw_ – I know, a lot of Gods aren't there? Hehehe. YES! Hobbits *ARE* the little green aliens dudes from Toy Story! YAAAAY! ^_^!

_Silver*Chime_ – Oh gosh, il y a beacoup de Thank you's there! I will try to write you in ASAP… but I dunno if I can get that far by Friday! So you may have to wait a bit if you iz going on holiday…*sniffle* sorry :(!

_Clare_ – Snape will have his wand back in the next chapter! He'll need it when he gets to Isengard…*dramatic chords of music play*

_Bpiksi77_ – Don't die! I like reviewers! Lol! Especially the nice ones ^_^!

The Author would like to give all reviewers a big hug and a smile and a thank you, and promises that next chapter will be longer, funnier and up faster! 


	16. Snuffles gets involved&just what IS a ba...

**A/N:** Yay. I'm happy ^_^ lots of reviews! 

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing! Nothing, nothing, nothing. And I get no money from this. Ok, well, Harry Potter stuff = J.K.Rowling's and her publishers/moviemakers/copyright holders… Lord of the Rings = J.R.R. Tolkien's and his publishers/moviemakers/copyright holders…

**

Snape watched as Nameless Orc number two and his band of merry goons were pointing his wand at random trees and shaking it violently. This action, of course, angered the wand into shooting out jets of white light – thus blowing up anything hit. Snape cringed each time he saw trees being thrown up into the air by the force of the blast then falling to the ground in flames. 

"Excuse me? Yes? Hello?"

Snape tapped the shoulder of a scrawny nearby orc and with a restraining smile continued,

"You know I really despise the killing of living things." 

The orc, who Snape christened Small Orc with No Brains from that moment on, grinned stupidly and cracked the whip he held,

"Really."

Snape nodded,

"Really. Well," Snape shrugged, "Unless of course, it's *me* doing the killing…"

With those words Snape brought out a large rock from behind his back and hit Small Orc with No Brains in the face with it with as much strength as he could. Merry and Pippin ran over tugging the ropes that bound their wrists off, and throwing them to the ground. Snape looked at Pippin, with the sort of look he'd give Neville if he had to admit Neville had done something right (which so far Neville never had, therefore this look was still in experimental stages to Snape), and said slowly,

"It seems that for once you've managed to have a bright and sensible idea, Mr.Took, and I congratulate you on that achievement. Perhaps… perhaps points are in order?"

"Points?"

"Ye-es…I think…10 points to…Slytherin."

Merry and Pippin let out a quick ooooo then turned and ran as they saw orcs coming towards them, swords raised menacingly. Snape shouted after the two hobbits,

"Wait! Wait you idiots! I need to get my wand first!"  

Snape turned and faced the gang of orcs, who were now giving Small Orc with No Brains prods with sticks to check for life signs. His voice wavering slightly, Snape said, 

"Ha, a-ha…um, let me explain…"

But Snape had no time to explain, for suddenly horsemen came riding violently into the clearing and began to slay the orcs. Nameless Orc number two raised Snape's wand, but our Snape is no fool, and he took the opportunity to jump on the orcs back and try to wrestle the wand off him. In the process, of course, the wand became extremely irritated. 

A couple of minutes later Pippin ran into the clearing, ducking and diving under swords and picked up a little white rabbit and Snape's wand. Pippin then ran back into the forest.

The little white rabbit started biting Pippin's hand in rage.

**

From an alley somewhere in Hogsmeade, an owl flew out from a bin looking important and carrying a letter… 

_Dear Harry,_

_              Ok, I have no idea how to reply a letter that simply read: "Snuffles – precioussss was taken. I wants it back. Harry." _

_I suppose firstly I could tell you that your grammar has gone dramatically downhill since your last letter. Secondly, what is precious? And why? Who took it? Why do you want it back? And why is the Daily Prophet reporting that Salazar Slytherin had a secret fetish for bunnies? What *is* going on at Hogwarts? _

_ I can't wait until your next letter – because I'm a nosey bugger and have a sneaky suspicion that Snape is someway involved. Therefore, it is my duty to find out what he is up to and make him look like an arsewipe. So, in light of my nosiness/hate for Snape I have made my way down to Hogsmeade. I'm hiding out in a garbage can as usual. I'll find you once I've spoken to Dumbledore. If, of course, he hasn't gone mad._

_ Sirius _

_P.s. Could we quit with the Snuffles thing? From now on call me Rocky. Or Tyson. Or Mason. Ripper? Shredder? Killer? Anything! Just something a little more threatening. I'm fed up as being known as the dog that could only kill by drowning its victims in a puddle of dog drool. It's bad for my street cred._

**

Pippin and Merry sat on a log and stared down at the little white rabbit. Which was hopping around in circles. Pippin blinked,

"Sevvie? Um."

The rabbit turned and looked at Pippin with its red eyes. Pippin waved the wand around. Nothing happened. Merry sighed,

"Give it here, Pip! I'll figure it out."

Merry began to point the wand viciously at the rabbit saying random words in a vain attempt to look in control and smarter than Pippin. Nothing happened. Pippin and Merry bit their lips, dropped Snape's wand and walked a few meters away to have a private conversation. The little white rabbit hopped over to the wand and began to chew on it. 

"How do we fix it Merry? How do we get Sevvie back?"

Pippin's eyes were filled with tears as he spoke. Merry shrugged, and said thoughtfully,

"Pip, it seems to me that perhaps with Sev as a rabbit we could get a lot more done. All he does is shout. And glare. And mock."

From behind them, Snape said,

"I rather think that I have a cause to 'Shout. Glare. Mock.'" Snape paused and smirked, "Tell me, Mr. Brandybuck, have you ever had to lower yourself to travelling around with two absurd little creatures, whose two (very small) brains put together could just manage to figure out how to peel a *banana* on their own?" 

Snape tucked his wand away in his robes, after giving it a very good clean. (Lord only knows *what* orcs actually have in their trouser area, he thought into himself) Then with a sneer, he continued, 

"Because if you had intellect, and you did indeed *have* to do that, Mr. Brandybuck, you would also find it extremely hard to go no further than to simply, 'Shout. Glare. Mock.'" 

Snape watched as the two hobbits squirmed under his glare. He knew they knew that was a hidden threat. And to be perfectly honest, thought Snape, I hope they have trouble falling asleep tonight due to me. Because right now Snape felt like a champagne bottle whose cork was about to pop. 

"Sevvie…"

The cork popped. 

Pippin started to speak then clasped his mouth shut when Snape suddenly yelled, spitting as he did so,

"My name is *not* SEVVIE! Nor is it SEV! Or any other abbreviations on the name Severus, for that matter! And before you ask, NO, you may not even call me Severus! Only my friends may call me Severus! And in this dratted land I have no friends! There is not one person in this whole world I would call a friend! All of you are CRAZY! INSANE! YOU – HAVE - PROBLEMS!"

Snape was now bright red and on taking a deep breath he let himself calm down. Pippin blinked and Merry oooooed under his breath. Snape whispered quietly, 

"You…may…call…me…Professor."

Then he walked on ahead of the hobbits, cursing Middle-Earth as he did so.

After a couple of minutes of contemplative walking, Pippin turned to Merry and said blankly,

"What's a banana?"

**

Fred and George sat huddled together behind a particularly big statue in a corridor somewhere in the quieter part of Hogwarts. They had managed to out-run and hide from everybody for the last couple of days; Dobby had been supplying them with their food – for they didn't dare show their faces in the Great Hall. Staff and pupils alike were baying for their blood. Well, they'd *settle* for the twin's blood seeing as the two hadn't coughed up any of the money they owed them. See, the problem with Fred and George was they *took* people's money and then they *spent* people's money.

In the process of course they had invented a new sweet (but not the sort of sweet you'd give your elderly Grandmother who was on heart tablets). Unfortunately for the twins, no one was willing to take a bag of these new sweets (with undesirable effects) as compensation for not receiving their winnings. And it was for this reason that the twins now found themselves caught up in the middle of a modern day witch-hunt. Them, unsurprisingly, being the witches. Or wizards. 

"So. What's the plan?"

Fred asked quietly. 

"Well." George thought for a moment, "The plan is to stay here. For a *very* long time."

From beside them and slightly nearer to the ground than them, they heard a loud meowing. Mrs. Norris looked up at the twins. Fred began to hit his head off the wall in frustration as George said, 

"I think we should make a run for it." 

From the darkness of the corridor a harsh and greasy voice said,

"Oh, you're going nowhere."

Filch grinned. 

**                                   

Snape looked around him. He was stuck in the middle of a dank, dreary and dark forest with two hobbits that seemed to have eternal joy. 

"What a depressing place."

Snape sighed aloud to himself. From behind him and, quite frankly, several meters above him, a loud, booming voice sounded out,

"HRRR – HUMMM! Think the forest depressing do you…?"

**

A/N: I figured an update on Fred and George was needed – I left them sorta stranded in Chapter 10 wondering if they should run to Australia! And I had to bring in Sirius at some point! In my mind, this fic isn't just about what's happening to the three in Middle-Earth (though obviously it's the main part of the fic) but also the other characters reactions to them being there. So, yeah, that's an explanation as to why I'm trying to tie everyone in lol. Any suggestions for Hogwarts/Middle-Earth? If yaz want, email me at oogieboogiesboys@hotmail.com ^_^!

_Phoenix 101_ – Don't worry about Ron! I'm fed up of fic's where the poor lamb has his girlfriends stolen lol. Mine won't end up like that. Thanks for reviewing :)  

_Jaws _– Mixing these two stories is v.hard lol. Trying to keep *basically* to the LOTRs story is v.hard (cos there is so much of it)! There is what happened to Snape ^_^ well…more will happen to him obviously…lol. Thanks for all your reviews!

_Jencraw_ – Ooooo the palantir! That's gonna be a hard scene to write…!

_Silver*Chime_ – Aww! I am having a ball! I hope you have a great time in Italy! (Your scene has not been forgotten about ^_^) 

_Digitaru_ – Squirrel's are evil! I wouldn't put it past Sauron to use them as spies…

_Mandy Snape_ – Hermione will one day realise Ron exists. Just… being a little lust-driven over Strider it will take her a while lol. 

_Zardiphillian Beryllix_ – ARGH shame for the Tolkien joke teehee! Thank you for your review^_^!


	17. Why didn't Sirius,Jamie J,MoonBoy&Ratars...

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing! I'm not materialistic! Um, yes, J.K.Rowling + her publishers/moviemakers/copyright holders (obviously) own Harry Potter stuff. J.R.R.Tolkien + his publishers/moviemakers/copyright holders own Lord of the Ring's stuff. 

**

Ron kicked the ground in anger. What was surprising about this anger though, is that it was not due to his undying love for Hermione and the fact she was throwing herself at everybody but him. No, he was angry because of a certain incident that occurred a few minutes ago – when he was, once again, made the outcast and made to look like an idiot. It wasn't fair, back at home he was the sidekick no one really cared about but here; at least, he could've made a good impression. But he hadn't. He had just ended up being as out-casted and side-kicky and alone. Again.

Anyway, it had all started when that bleeder, Strider, pointed in that annoying manner of his – ie, valiantly, and shouted,

"Forth the three hunters!"

Which had struck Ron as a rather odd thing to shout, seeing as there were five people. (Or persons of human-like qualities if you didn't want to sound racist towards the Dwarves and the Elves. And they, thought Ron, were two species you did *not* want to bugger off.) So Ron pointed out to Strider that there were five of them, in a bid to look intelligent in front of Hermione. And he did, for a brief second. Until Strider explained he meant Forth the Three Peoples in Unity and Peace, fighting for Justice and Freedom Hand in Hand, Together as One… and lots of other annoying clichés like that. It was the kind of dribble Ron heard whenever Hogwarts held elections for potential House committee members. Of course, Hermione had literally lost her senses to Striders words and said that Strider was right, obviously, and the Ron should use his brain.

Use his brain?

USE HIS BRAIN?

He was DAMN well using his brain and he knew it. It wasn't his problem that no one else saw the illogical argument behind Strider's sugarcoated politician propaganda ideals. Using my *brain*, thought Ron, it would be logical to say Forth the Five Hunters! And not only because there were five of them. But also because if Strider was going to call in a question of social groupings, then Hermione and Ron should *technically* get a mention.

In Ron's mind it was simple – Hermione is a woman, and therefore she represents women everywhere (A/N : Damn straight!). And if it *had* to be called into question, Ron supposed he was representing all redheads out there, who never get enough mention anywhere! (A/N : You tell them!)

But Ron didn't get the chance to explain his logic, and thus redeem himself in the eyes of Hermione, for they had just walked into a clearing.

Full of dead men, ashes and scattered orc armour. 

**

Snape stared up at the man-like face sitting a-top of the green and brown body. 

"Hoo – HRUM, now, what have we got here?"

"Um." Snape stared even more at the thing. Pippin and Merry stood forward smiling. Snape pushed them back slightly, feeling it was his sort of duty to protect them from anything. Plus, if the time came and he needed to make a run for it he needed them to throw in front of any on-coming enemy to keep them busy a few extra minutes before they would go after him. He is all heart, our Snape is. 

"What are you? Who are you?" Snape said forcefully. Pippin nudged Snape. Snape turned and hissed 'What!' at him. Pippin whispered back,

"And remember to ask him if he has any food! Merry and I are starving!"

Snape growled slightly, then turned back to the tree-like thing. It replied to Snape's words in a thoughtful tone,

"Hmm now. What am I? What am I? Well, I am an Ent. Or so they call me, for I could be something different altogether but no, they call me an Ent. Hrum…perhaps THE Ent. Yes, I am THE Ent in your manner of speaking. Yes."

Snape blinked. That didn't answer my question very well! What on Middle-Earth is a bloody Ent?

"But what's your NAME? What do you call yourself? How should we address you?" Merry asked happily. 

Snape rolled his eyes and muttered "Beware of immature nicknames" under his breath. 

"Name, now? Well, that's a different matter altogether. I am Fangorn to some, but Treebeard to others. To you I am Treebeard. Hmm, yes, Treebeard, that will do now. But come tell me, come now, this is *my* country. What are *you*? For I do not know who you are, let me see, you are not mentioned anywhere in my old lists. Hrum now, shall I sing?"

Snape shouted 'NO' before he could hold his tongue in politeness. Treebeard looked slightly hurt, then said,

"Hoo, hrum. And what are you? Come before me dressed for a funeral, calling my beautiful lands depressing? Man, you look like, but you are not altogether man are you? No, no. There is something else in your blood…what is it now?"

Snape scowled. His blood was as pure as the sunlight. Well, as pure as the Snape family bloodline could get. 

"I am a wizard where a come from."

"Hmm – hum. Wizard? Ey? I know wizards, yes, I know wizards. But what wizard are you? Are you akin to one or the other? Hmm, hum now. Your face is very familiar, but I have never met you. Hrum, come now! What are you? You come dressed in black, and you have dark eyes. Unkind? Spiteful? What are you?"

Snape looked around him for some support. He had absolutely no idea what Treebeard was talking about. One or the other? What are you? Snape mimicked Treebeard in thought angrily. I am a wizard, and I should damn well like to think he'd show me a bit more respect. The stupid tree. Or Ent. Irritated, Snape replied to Treebeard's ramblings, 

"If you are referring to what I am, as in a species, I am a man," Snape paused, and then said quickly, "A wizard mind, not a muggle. Yet, you began to refer to what I am in the context of 'unkind, spiteful.' If now you are questioning my personality then I cannot tell you. I do not make rash assumptions of how I am perceived by the outside world. And if my personality is to be called into question, I should like to know a lot more about you first before I indulge you with that information."

There was silence for a couple of seconds. Then Treebeard let out a hearty laugh,

"Now, now! I see you mean no harm. You are hasty in directing your anger and speaking your mind, but I do not see harm in you. Hmm, no, no, you are deeper than I think you realise, but for now I shall take you on how I perceive you, but trust is not yet on offer to you, hmm, wizard. But I will watch for you, hrum now, I will watch."  

Treebeard stared at Snape thoughtfully for a minute or two, then turned his attentions to the Hobbits, who were all to glad to hear Treebeard's song. 

**

"Slain?!" Hermione screeched, "All of them? But…But what about Snape and the Hobbits?"

Ron backed away slightly, worried that her head may explode in an unpleasant way,

"Um. Well, that's the thing. We can't be sure what happened. There's just a old of ashes, where the orc bodies were burned."

Hermione's face flushed with a sudden realisation,

"No, no…they got away."

"'Mione, it really doesn't look that way…"

"No. They did get away. I have *read* this book before, or had you forgotten that?"

"Yeah…but with Snape there, who knows what went wrong? He has a habit for pissing people off."

"I think that if it came down to the crunch, Snape would put saving his own ass over pissing off anybody."

"Perhaps." 

Ron smiled uncertainly then walked away from Hermione. Hermione sat down and began to think. 

**

Sirius stared at Dumbledore. Sirius then roared with laughter. After several seconds of the laughter, he began hitting Dumbledore's table with his fists in violent fits of…well, laughter. Dumbledore sat patiently and let the laughter run its course. And Sirius' laughter needed a very long racetrack to run on.

"So," Sirius paused to take a very deep breath to regain his composure, "So. So…you're trying to tell me, that Snape is IN this book? Oh, MAN! That is brilliant! Why did Jamie J, Moon-boy, Rat-arse and I never come up with that idea? Harry!"

Sirius turned to Harry, who was in a far corner sitting on the floor cuddling his knees to his chest, rocking back and forth. He glanced up when Sirius talked to him.

"Harry!" Repeated Sirius, "Did you have a part in all this? I tell you, this is like THE prank of the century…I mean, what if Snape dies or something? Oh my God! I've had an idea!"

Dumbledore rolled his eyes and thought to himself, here we go again! Sirius moved in closer to Dumbledore and said excitedly,

"Do you think we could *write* in the book?"

"What do you mean?" Dumbledore asked.

"Write! Pick up a quill and WRITE in the book!"

"No!" Dumbledore snapped and took the book from Sirius, "If I know your mind, Sirius Black, you'd start writing horrific Snape death scenes everywhere."

Sirius shrugged in agreement – for that would be exactly what he would write. From his corner, Harry began to speak,

"Preciousss! We wantsss it! Yes, we does, doesn't we?"

"Ah." Sirius raised an eyebrow at Harry, "Using the royal 'we' now, ey Harry?"

Dumbledore cleared his throat,

"Not exactly. Harry has snapped. Completely. He's gone loony! Won't speak any sense. And all he eats is raw fish."

"Ooooo that *cannot* be good for his digestive system."

"It's not!"

"Oh."

The two men turned and looked at Harry. Harry was eyeing The Book with a crazed look to his eye. Well, he would be wouldn't he? The thing was driving him mad. He had to get in. He HAD to get into the damn book. The God of Irrepressible Vengeful Thoughts and Insanity had *promised* him that he would send Harry into the book. Yesss, thought Harry, we're going to get in there. Then we'll be famous again, won't we! And everybody will love the boy who lived! Everybody will praise usss…adore usss, precious…and maybe even sleep with usss! A little voice in Harry's mind suddenly muttered, 'Don't push your luck Harry!' Ok, fair enough, thought Harry, I suppose we can't make miracles happen, can we precious? 

Hey!

Wait a minute!

Why the hell wouldn't anybody sleep with me?

**

The God of Irrepressible Vengeful Thoughts and Insanity watched from the shadows as Harry chewed on an old fish bone. So, he wants to go into the book does he? He wants to be famous again? The famous Harry Potter, the boy who lived. Pah, thought the God as he grinned evilly, this was going to be all too easy. 

**

**A/N:** Hello ^_^! I'm still writing this. Which is crazy in my mind. Lol. Yes, um, anyway, if you have any suggestions email me at oogieboogiesboys@hotmail.com (For either Hogwarts/Middle-Earth).

Updates are getting a little slower due to school starting soon/me actually trying to plan a serious-ish fic. I'm not giving up on this yet, lol, cos I have the last chapter written already. 


	18. Of fluff&Squash Ron finally tells Hermi ...

**A/N:** Erm, so sorry about lateness of update all my faithful reviewing persons of loveliness! I started sixth form a couple days ago, and I'm all eek-some and things, so I haven't had the time to write! I should have the next chappy up before the end of this weekend, and that'll hopefully tide you over for a few days lol ^_^

**Disclaimer:** Please refer to previous chapters…No? Fine *rolls eyes*! Harry Potter stuff = J.K.Rowling's + her respective publishers/moviemakers/copyright holders. Lord of the Rings stuff = J.R.R. Tolkien's + his respective publishers/moviemakers/copyright holders. 

**

Hermione pointed through the trees. 

"Did anyone else see that? I think I just saw a flash of white."

Strider squinted beside Hermione and shrugged,

"I didn't see anything."

Hermione sighed, grabbed Legolas and dragged him over to her. He can use his damn Elf senses and back me up, thought Hermione. Legolas smiled,

"Using my amazing heightened Elf senses…" Legolas began. Hermione rolled her eyes as he continued,

"I can see a figure in white. On a horse. Quite a nice looking horse."

Ron thought for a moment. White? Now why did that sound bad? Where had he heard about a figure in white that rode around on a horse before? He was sure it was here in Middle-Earth that he'd heard about it… Hermione nudged him as the figure approached.  

"Ron!"

"What?" Ron said slightly annoyed. He was still trying to figure out this puzzle on his own. White…white…white… The rider in white drew up beside the five.

After several minutes of confused word throwing and blaming and cursing and lots of other things that occur in comic misunderstandings, Gandalf began to explain that he was now Gandalf the White. Saruman, he told them, had jacked himself up to Saruman of many colours and now took a fancy to wearing a multicoloured coat. Which, in conclusion, meant he had gone mad. Gandalf also explained that he had fallen lots and lots, his fall being broken by landing on the body of the (dead) Balrog. Which Gandalf had found very disorientating, seeing as he had assumed that the Balrog would still be alive. At this point in Gandalf's tale, Hermione butted in, and said dismissively, 

"Oh yes, Snape killed the Balrog."

Gandalf blinked. He blinked again. 

"Snape? That…that cretin of a man KILLED the Balrog?"

"Yes."

Gandalf growled angrily,

"Speaking of Snape…"

The five looked at him expectantly. Gandalf then began explaining, using lots of colourful words innocent children should never be exposed to, what had really happened in Moria. He told them about Snape bruising his fingers and forcing him to let go of the ledge he was holding onto – in essence, Snape would have been done for attempted murder in any decent law courts. But seeing as Middle-Earth lacked these, Snape was now walking around freely, happily believing Gandalf was dead and gone. Gandalf concluded his enthralling tales with the line,

"In summary, I'm alive, I'm angry and I'm back." 

Oh, and then he added one last line, 

"And Snape is a total dickhead."

**

Fred and George grabbed each other roughly and hugged. Professor McGonagall looked down at The Book and let her lips form the shape of a dog's ass-hole. Fred and George laughed loudly and hysterically,

"Bwahahahahaaaa! Gandalf is alive! Gandalf is alive!"

Professor McGonagall's eyes narrowed,

"I believe I bet that Snape would lose his mind. Which he did, boys, when he began to crave the ring in Moria."

"Ah, YES, right you are Professor," George grinned, "But that bet also stated that Snape would then go on a killing spree."

Fred nodded vigorously,

"Yes, and we accepted that the murder of Gandalf and the several orcs he shot on the way out of Moria *could* be considered a killing spree…"

"…But, seeing as the orcs were rather insignificant and everybody else was killing them anyway," George looked to Fred, who continued,

"And now, of course, in light of this new astounding,"

"…And life-saving…" George added.

"Yes, and quite frankly LIFE-SAVING evidence of Gandalf's alive-and-breathing-ness,"

"We declare…"

"Your bet…"

"Lost."

Professor McGonagall glared at the twins, who were now jumping around excitedly exclaiming that they didn't have to pay anybody's sorry asses, and were now, therefore, not in anybody's debt. 

**

Hermione shook her head in disbelief; Snape couldn't have tried to murder Gandalf! I mean she knew he was always perceived as a bad guy, but he would never…would he? Did he? If he did she would have to give him a very big piece of her mind when she next saw him. If he hadn't gotten on the nerves of whomever he had come across with Merry and Pippin and been torn apart by them in frustration at his snide remarks first. 

But as Hermione thought about Gandalf's claim of being murdered (yet surviving) in more detail, she remembered the crazed look in Snape's eye when she had told him that his wand worked. It all began to make a little bit of sense in her mind. Snape held to a grudge tighter than anything else, and Hermione figured that Snape would have gathered a pretty hefty grudge from living as a cute little bunny rabbit as often as he did. 

Ron, who had been in awe of Gandalf for the last few minutes, dragged Hermione out of her thoughts suddenly.  

"WOW! Gandalf, you are so cool! I wish I was as powerful as you!"

Ron said eagerly, as Gandalf shrugged off the comments modestly. Hermione give Ron a quick cuff around the ear. Ron turned to her,

"Ow! What did you go and do that for?"

"I did it because you're being such a sad brown-noser!"

Ron glared at Hermione, who glared back. I suppose I needn't tell you that the vibes in the air at this moment in time were negative, to say the least. There was also a hint of violence looming above the two of them. Ron took a step closer to Hermione. Everyone but Hermione took five steps back from Ron.

"Just where do you get off talking down to me like that all the time? Why do you always treat me like I'm some sort of fool?"

Hermione sighed,

"Ron, we don't have time for all this. Stop acting so childish, fights are for schoolchildren."

"Oh! And you're Miss Mature, are you?"

"I'm unimpressed with your, what do you call them? Oh yes, insults. Guess I forgot what they were called momentarily seeing as I haven't heard any in a long time." Hermione smiled sweetly, secretly laughing at Ron inside her head. He was such a joker.

Ron, on the other hand, was not laughing inside his head.

"Taking up Snape's position are we? Hiding behind sarcasm to cover up insecurities?"

"Ron," Hermione was now feeling extremely bored of this little game, and was getting extremely tired of the worn-out dialogue, "What is your problem?"

"You!" Ron shouted suddenly, letting his hands fling themselves around above his head, "YOU! You and this…this depraved case of sluttiness that has taken over your brain!"

"Are you calling me a *SLUT*?" Hermione screeched.  

"YES! YES I AM! And in a perfect world you being slutty would be good! But it's not good! You just go around throwing yourself at everyone in sight!"

"That is not true! That's slander Ron Weasley!"

"It is true! You've been ricocheting between Strider and Legolas for the last couple of weeks like a… a…" Ron thought for a moment and then said, rather dumbly, but with quite a good visual imagery of what Hermione was doing,

 "…Like a squash ball flying around a squash court violently hitting off the walls! And you know what? I'M THE SQUASH RACQUET! And the ball never hits the racquet! And the ball should hit the racquet! Because all the ball needs is the racquet!"

Hermione blinked,

"Um."

Ron fell to his knees. Hermione shuffled her feet uncomfortably,

"So, what is it that you're trying to tell me?" 

"I'm trying to tell you that I like you!"

"You like me? Well I should bloody well like to think that you like me, especially if you're meant to be one of my best…" Hermione's face paled suddenly as she watched a squash ball flying around inside her head. Ball…racquet…Ball…racquet. Hermione bit her lip and said,

"Ohhh."

**

**_A/N:_** An update on Snape shall be up in the next few days all you (fellow) Snape-luvers! 

_Zardiphillian Beryllix_ – Thanks, I like the Harry/Gollum thing as well ^_^

_Clare_ – Hope u had fun at the festival! Thanks!

_Snuffles_ – Updated ^_^ Thanks for reviewing!

_Mandy Snape_ – Thank you so much! Aren't you kind? *blushes*

_Jaws_ – Yes, they do have rather long names don't they? Lol, what can I say? I'm strange ^_^  OOC –  means out of character, I think (from what I picked up – am I right anyone???), and I'm trying to not make Snape that, i.e. I'm hoping he comes across as in character ^_^

_Sasery_ – Sirius' name? Well, *thinks* do you know, I hadn't even thought about that? *shame* 

_Pink Devil_ – Ooooo! Goody! A poem! Thank you, I liked that ^_^! Feel free to write more!

_Elwen Rhiannon _– Yuppers, Sirius will be having his moments! I promise! 

**Thank you sooo much for letting me hit 100 reviews!**


	19. Oh dear,Sirius wot av u done? Oh no! Sna...

**AN:** Argh sorry for lack of updates. School = nasty and evil and grrr. Also I'm trying to work on a serious fic…A Snape one (surprisingly) so look for that in the coming weeks…I'm hoping it'll be good. 

**Disclaimer:** I do NOT own Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings; they belong to J.K.Rowling and J.R.R.Tolkien respectively. And whoever else has the their hands in the copyright pools. Don't sue me. Or I may cry. 

**

Snape shifted uncomfortably. He had been listening to the Ents talk for what seemed like hours now. This could probably be explained due to the fact that he had been listening to them for hours – but still, it felt like an extremely long time to Snape. What he just couldn't grasp out of everything that he had heard from Treebeard was all this business about the Ent-Wives. Treebeard had sung a wholly depressing song about the loss of them and how they may one day return…or something. Snape had never really been able to figure out romantic songs, but he was sure that was the general plot line. Treebeard had even sung the high-pitched parts that were meant to be sung by the Ent-Wives. It was quite impressive and ever so amusing to see a huge tree-like man with a deep voice belt out several verses in soprano. It was possibly the greatest sight that Snape had ever seen. 

Oh, straight after the time that Dumbledore had got his beard stuck in an automatic pencil-sharpener when they had visited a muggle-shop. *That* was definitely the greatest sight Snape had ever seen.  

Anyway, Ent-Wives. Yes, he found the whole business rather confusing. I mean, thought Snape, how the hell could they have lost a bunch of trees? 

Apparently they could lose them quite easily. This ickle bit of information did not fill Snape with the greatest confidence. I mean, if they had lost all the females in their species, how on earth did they propose to storm Isengard and over-throw Saruman? It was all very well that they were tall and strong and could squish you under their foot, but this was Isengard they were talking about. From what Snape had heard, it was very impressive and heavily fortified. What did they plan to do? Shatter every brain and window with their deafening and over-the-top impressions of the wives that they had managed to *lose*?

Snape's train of thought was suddenly de-railed by a loud "HRRRRRRUM" from the Ents, who were several metres away through the trees. Or what Snape assumed were trees. He had become paranoid of the plants since he'd met Treebeard…

"Ho, come now, come now, that indeed was strange."

Treebeard walked over to the hobbits and Snape. After a few minutes silence, Snape bit the bait,

"What was strange?"

Treebeard rubbed his chin,

"Hum, the decision to advance to Isengard was decided on very quickly indeed. Very unusual."

"So we go to Isengard then?" Snape asked. Snape was beginning to worry about this ever so slightly. He was on the good side. It wasn't even as if he was being sneaky and spying for the good side. He was just blatantly on the side of the good guys. It was quite the new sensation. But this Saruman, he was another wizard. Snape reached into his pocket and held on to his wand like a baby would a blanket. What if Snape had to fight? Treebeard had certainly mentioned that Snape's skill would come in handy, but what was that supposed to mean? Were they going to send Snape into the tower armed with a wand and hair that had grown an inch overnight? 

Snape stopped and thought about his hair for a second. It was funny – his hair had never really grown before, in the sense that it was rather lifeless. It knew what length Snape wanted it to be and it stayed that length through one way or another. But today he had been looking at himself in a puddle, and his hair had definitely grown. Not only grown, but seemed altogether much more healthy. It was beginning to lose its grease. 

From out of no-where, a great dramatic chord sounded.

How un-nerving, thought Snape, as he took a swig from a flask of the drink Treebeard had provided them with a couple of nights ago. 

**

Sirius bit his quill thoughtfully. Then he stopped, because the feather was tickling his nose. He knew he had to do something with this book. He wasn't about to give up his only opportunity to laugh at Snape without Snape ever knowing. It had to be something good. But not too big. Something small. Comical. Sirius mused for a few seconds, but had to stop when Harry came skulking into the room.

"Hey Harry."

Sirius said to the tattered boy. Harry smiled sickly,

"Sits on Siriussses table, doesn't it? Yes, my precious, it does."

Sirius stared blankly at Harry for a minute, then cleared his throat,

"Yes, well anyway. Moving on…" Sirius glanced at Harry shifted his chair a couple of feet away from him, "Harry, give me an idea! I need to do something to Snape!"

Harry's eyes rolled wildly. 

"Snape! Snape! It hates usss! We hates it!"

Sirius nodded, 

"We had rather established that."

"Hmmm, precious has an idea, doesn't we? Yes, yessss, very… good… idea…" Harry's fingers were curling and un-curling slowly. Sirius stared uncertainly at Harry. There was definitely something different about the boy since he had last seen him. Maybe he had had his hair cut? No, that isn't it, thought Sirius. Perhaps he had put on a bit of weight? No, if anything he's lost it…Sirius rubbed his chin. There was something strangely sinister about Harry. Oh well, thought Sirius, I'm sure it's just a phase he's going through.

"An idea?" Sirius asked Harry, who was now jumping up and down.

"Write in Harry! Write in boy who lived! We hatessss Snape, don't we precious? Write in Harry and Snape will be mad! Mad, mad, mad! Yes, he will be, won't he, my precious?" 

Blinking slowly, Sirius watched as Harry grabbed The Book. Write in Harry? Well, thought Sirius, I guess Snape does hate Harry ever so slightly. Or ever so much. I suppose… I suppose I *could* write in Harry, but… Sirius was torn. He had morals. Of a sort. And it *would* anger Snape immensely, but Sirius had rather had something else in mind. Sirius shrugged, oh well, I suppose I can always write more in The Book later. 

"Alright Harry."

Sirius opened The Book at a random page and began to write…

**

Harry opened his eyes. It was dark. Harry checked that his eyelids were in fact open. They were. It was just dark. He could hear something, a sort of hissing. 

"Who's there my precioussss?" 

Asked a voice through the darkness. Harry crawled forward and replied with,

"Precious? Precioussss?" 

A creature came out of the shadows and shouted,

"Eek! What isss it my precious? Is it a nasty little BAGGINSSSESSSS? Nasssty little creature, gollum, nasty little hobbitsssesss!"

Harry stared at the creature and whispered,

"Not Bagginsssesss, no, no, my precious, not Baggins!"

**

Sirius looked at The Book and set his quill down.

"Oops."

Sirius whistled innocently as he changed into his dog form. Then he ran. He'd just sent Harry to Mordor. And Harry had just made friends with Gollum. Well, this should turn out to be rather interesting, thought Sirius, even if slightly disturbing and offbeat.

**

Snape stared up at the tower that the Ents were planning on smashing. It was an incredibly good tower, as far as towers go, thought Snape. Then again, he wasn't exactly an expert on the matter, but the whole menacing threat of the looming building gave the illusion that yes, it was a good tower. Shaking himself, Snape tried to think rationally. 

Ok, Serverus Snape. This is Isengard. That is the Tower of Orthanc. There is a wizard in there. You have to fight him. 

But why?

Because that's how the story goes. Or that's how it goes now that you're here.

Ah.

Snape was beginning to wonder if he was going mad. Treebeard set Snape and the hobbits down on the ground at the entrance to the tower, and they watched as other Ents advanced to squish orcs and knock down bricks. Treebeard looked down at Snape,

"Hrum, now you prove your worth!"

"Excuse me?" Snape said coldly, "Please tell me I'm not just fighting this wizard just so I look OK in your eyes."

Treebeard scratched his head,

"Hum, yes, yes, that would be the case."

Sighing exasperatingly, Snape walked up to the great doors of Orthanc and (very dramatically because that's how these things go) with a swish of his wand the doors opened slowly, letting light spread throughout the entrance hall.

As the doors closed behind him, Snape started off with the immortal words,

"Erm, Hello? Is anybody home?" 

**

Dumbledore slapped his forehead in frustration and said to The Book,

"Serverus, that is *not* what you say in the face of the enemy."

**

Well, isn't this jolly. Snape had been wandering for the last few minutes in dim light, unable to find anybody. Perhaps no one *was* home? 

Yeah, Serverus. Like that's going to happen.

Shut up.

Snape shook his head. He was really going to have to stop having conversations with himself. Straight ahead, Snape saw a door that was slightly ajar, and a crack of white light was pouring through into the hallway. Ah. There we are, thought Snape as he rolled up his sleeves. Quietly Snape tip-toed up to the door and peered around the corner. 

No one was there.

"Well," Snape whispered angrily aloud to himself, "Isn't that a big anti-climax." 

From behind him a smooth, silky voice – not unlike his own, said,

"Or…perhaps not." 

**

AN: Hope I left you on a bit of a cliff-hanger there…lol! I shall update as quickly as I physically can, but it could be next weekend before another chapter! I'll try to get it up sooner, but I'm *very* bogged down with schoolwork at the moment. Please email me if you have any ideas for this, whether you have one for Hogwarts/Middle-Earth at oogieboogiesboys@hotmail.com. 

Oh, and especially if any of you Sirius fans have an idea for a prank on Snape! But nothing too harsh or big lol I don't wanna be *too* nasty to him ^_^ 

_Pink Devil_ – Yah, got the slut thing from it – should've mentioned that – soz! If ever another pops into your head, please write it^_^!

_Mandy Snape_ – It took AGES to come up with the squash thing…lol hope it worked! Thank you oh devoted reader *bows*

_Anonymous _– Thanks!

_Arwena_ – There are MANY possibilities heh heh…thanks for MSTs+AU info!

_Digitaru_ – Lol! Thanks for reviewing! Squash is a sport, played in a closed room where the ball bounces off a wall (or something) I don't actually play it, I just know of it^_^

_Elwen Rhiannon _– Here we are…Orthanc! I can't wait to see Sev's reaction to Gandalf myself, and I'm writing this! Lol!

_Clare_ – Hehehe, I would laugh at Ron's metaphor too!

_Sasery_ – Thanks for the explanation and the review! 

_Jaws_ – I LOVE SNAPE! I'm not humouring you…and I hope no one is humouring me lol!

_Youngest Knight_ – Lol, glad you like the fic! Dun go ruining your carpet though! I dun wanna have to buy you a new one because of damage!


	20. Snape has tea&crumpets&takes out an 'evi...

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AN: Does anybody else want to become Prime Minister and ban school ^_^?

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Disclaimer: J.K.Rowling owns all Harry Potter stuff here (along with anyone else who has their hands on the HP copyrights). J.R.R.Tolkien owns all the Lord of the Rings stuff (along with anyone else who has their hands on the LOTRs copyrights). I also don't own the line "How do you catch a moonbeam in your hand" – that belongs to whoever owns the Sound of Music copyrights. But I don't know who that is. Pretty obviously though, it isn't me. So leave me alone and don't sue.

When Snape was first told he would have to battle with an 'evil' wizard, instinct told him to run. It was that simple 'fight or flight' instinct he'd been taught on that rare occasion when Hogwarts did normal educational subjects such as Maths, English and Science (Ask a wizard to turn a frog into a piña colada – you'll get three. Ask a wizard to multiply 7 by 7 and they'll stare at you blankly for hours.) In biology he had learned about this instinct. And before he had entered Orthanc, it had sprung into action – he wanted to get as far away from there as he physically could. I mean, Snape would be the first in line to say he excelled at wizard duelling – but somehow he'd come to realise that the magic in Middle-Earth was quite different to the magic he was used to. And the fact that this wizard had a massive orc army didn't exactly inspire him. He had had a bad experience with regards to orcs. One that he still remembered all those years later, when he was an old man in a rocking chair…

Anyway, Snape now sat in Orthanc bemused and baffled. Both these words meaning the same thing, he figured he was confused squared (another mathematical term he had learned on that rare educational occasion). For one of the first times in Snape's life he was left completely in the dark. He had expected flames and fire and torture and gruelling physical trials. Perhaps being knighted in the end for his heroic deeds. What he did not expect, however, was to be sitting down in comfy chairs opposite a (multi-coloured) robed wizard being offered tea and crumpets. On that thought, Snape looked over his shoulder nervously, in case an indoor croquet set was going to be wheeled in as a further…um, harrowing ordeal?

"And anyway, that is how Gandalf once again escaped my inescapable fortress and clutches." Saruman waved his hand sadly and took a little sip of his tea (Snape made a mental note that his pinkie was sticking out as he did so.) Snape blinked. 

"Really? How…" Snape thought for a minute. For politeness' sake, he was going to say interesting. But it really wasn't. Then he thought about saying fascinating. But, again, it really wasn't. In the end, he concluded that he should just say what he would say to anyone else. 

"How can your fortress and clutches be inescapable if people have escaped?" asked Snape sarcastically. Saruman's eyes narrowed and mimicked Snape's tone,

"How do you catch a moonbeam in your hand? How the hell should I know? All I know is that Gandalf escaped, being the b*st*rd he is and rejected my very fine offer." Saruman set his cup and saucer down, "Incidentally, have you ever considered joining the other side? We have a great pension scheme, and a wonderful life insurance policy. Being on the bad side does have the rather annoying problem of a short life span, often ending in a sudden, violent and bloody death. But with our Isengard Family Friendly ™ life insurance you can rest safely in your, possibly many, graves knowing your family is being well provided for."

Snape raised an eyebrow. 

"I don't have a family. And I've dabbled in the other side before. I always find that their insurance polices have extremely irritating and wholly de-moralising small print. So, no thank you, I'd rather not."

Saruman glared at Snape. Suddenly the tea party wasn't going as well as it had been, Snape noted, as Tension pardoned itself upon entering the room and settled above the wizards' heads. Snape figured he'd done the wrong thing in rejecting Saruman's 'very fine offer'. In a bid to get back into Saruman's good books before the man turned on him with the evil looking staff in the corner (it must be related to Gandalf's thought Snape, as he edged ever so slightly away from its intimidating stare) he suddenly blurted out,

"I killed Gandalf."

"What?"

Snape sighed; he had thought that the three words in that order were pretty self-explanatory. Obviously not. Slowly and angrily he repeated himself,

"I…killed…Gandalf."

Saruman stood up. Snape stood up to match his height, not liking to be looked down upon. Saruman scratched his head,

"When?"

"A while back. In some mines. We went in there after a lot of snow got in places it really shouldn't have gotten into."

"Oh. Well in that case, he's not dead."

"What?" Snape asked in a high-pitched voice. 

"He's not dead. I saw him only last week. Well. Not physically. Through a…device I have in my possession."

Snape's forehead wrinkled in rage and confusion, ignoring Saruman's big hint about a certain device that he had in his possession,

"But I saw him fall! I saw the evil prick fall to his eventual death! There was no way he could have survived! I saw him fall! For God's sake I was the one who KICKED him down the damn mines!"

Saruman nodded in sympathy. He felt Snape's pain; Gandalf was a slippery eel when it came to evading death. Snape clenched his fists and thought - this isn't fair! Why is life always having a laugh at my expense? 

***

Ron sat slumped outside the gates of Edoras, with his head in his hands and feeling mighty stupid. If there was one thing he'd learnt over his relatively short life it was that you do not declare your undying, never-ending and passionate love to a girl by calling them a squash ball. And even if you do, you do not call her a slut. Unfortunately for Ron, he learnt this after he had called Hermione a slut and a squash ball. She seemed pretty impressed at first, I mean it wasn't often that Ron came up with a rather creative way of explaining something. Then it had slowly sunk in, he supposed, for she suddenly turned on him in a wild rage of 'How dare you call me that you…!' 

Although he had noticed, when he dared lift his head, that she was taking less of an interest in Strider and Legolas. Perhaps all was not lost? Perhaps secretly deep down inside the heart of Hermione Granger Part-time Woman and Full-time Know-it-all she had feelings for Ron Weasley Part-time Little boy and Full-time Idiot)? 

"Ron!"

Hermione was standing above him, looking impatient. Ron pulled himself up and said,

"Hello."

Hermione ignored the hello and said quickly,

"Come on, we're going in."

***

The hall was large. And decorate. At the other end from the small party of broken up Fellowshippers sat an old man. Well, he wasn't as old as he looked. But that's what happens to your skin when you don't moisturise regularly. There were several short and sharp sentences said between the man (name of Théoden - he's a king) and Gandalf. These sentences are of no real consequence because everybody knows that he'll go along with Gandalf in the end. 

"Aha! Gríma Wormtongue!"

Gandalf said dramatically and pointed at the pale man sitting next to Théoden. Ron and Hermione gasped, as is to be expected of them whenever a dramatic incident crops up. Ron blinked and pointed at the man,

"Oh my God! How the hell did Peter Pettigrew get into Middle-Earth?"

Hermione rolled her eyes at Ron's blatant stupidity and hissed,

"Note Gandalf said WormTONGUE not WormTAIL. Please Ron, refrain from saying anything if you do not think it through first. Oh, and another thing, he looks NOTHING like that rat Peter Pettigrew. Use your eyes."

Ron huffed and tended to his wounds. That Hermione had a sharp tongue on her when she wanted to. 

Later on at a random dinner table, Ron spent his time staring at Hermione while she was eating - until she kicked him under the table. She still hadn't admitted to him that she was flattered that he liked her. Well, she could have if she'd wanted to. It was just, if she did, she'd have to admit to have liked being called a squash ball, and she really didn't. Hermione poked at her food and thought,

By that, was Ron implying that he thinks I'm round? 

Does that mean he thinks I'm fat?!

Hermione poked her tummy with a worried look on her face. The last thing she needed was the paranoia of having put on weight. How was she going to get Strider then? Arwen was a twig!

***

The God of Irrepressible Vengeful Thoughts and Insanity watched happily as Harry and Gollum were catching fish. He had promised Harry revenge, and his Godfathers mind was easy enough to manipulate into writing him in. All that had been left for the God to do was to make sure Harry ended up in Mordor. Oh, what a simple, simple job that had been…

***

Snape paced up and down Saruman's study, occasionally stopping at the window to look outside to see Treebeard and his friends crush orcs. This made him feel slightly happier – even if only for a second. 

This isn't right, thought Snape, this is not going the way I had planned it. Gandalf can't be alive. Gandalf is meant to be dead.

And another thing, who to follow? Gandalf the Annoying Un-dead or this Wizard Who Makes Good Tea?

Snape had a sudden mental flashback at the name of Gandalf, remembering how much he had wanted to run around with a hop-skippity-hop and crunch 'n' munch on carrots. Snape shuddered, then turned to Saruman,

"Excuse me?"

Saruman looked up from his Delia Smith cookbook,

"Yes?"

"You still haven't told me your name." 

Saruman closed his book and stood up, for he loved this bit,

"I am…SARUMAN OF MANY COLOURS!" 

With those words he flung his arms wide open to reveal his multi-coloured robes in their full glory. It made him look rather like a parachute with a head on the top. Snape blinked. And not just because of the dazzling brightness of those damned rainbow colours. No, he knew that name 'Saruman' from somewhere. But where? Oh well, he supposed it didn't really matter. 

"Oh." Snape said blankly, as Saruman let his arms droop due to the lack of enthusiasm on Snapes part. Snape continued, "I've always preferred black myself." 

*** 

Snape sighed, for he had finally made up his mind. It was definitely the flaring multi-coloured robe that had tipped his decision over who to follow in the direction of Gandalf. He turned to Saruman, who was now filing his well-manicured nails, and pulled out his wand,

"Saruman?" Snape said coldly, "Good-bye."

On those words, Snape's wand flew out of his hand and hit the wall on the far side of the room. Snape cursed under his breath, he knew he should have just blasted Saruman instead of bothering with dramatics. Saruman tutted and threw Snape to the ground, raising his staff high above his head. Snape had to think. He had to think fast. So he yelled, 

"Father! It's me!"

Saruman stopped and stared at Snape's confused face, as even Snape was surprised with what he had just come up with. Saruman blinked,

"I'm your father?"

"You could be." Snape said trying to gain a few extra seconds to grab a handy piece of lead piping that rested a couple of feet away from his right hand. Snape had no idea why lead piping was in Saruman's study, but knew that it was something to do with Fate. Being kind. For once. Snape continued with a hint of soap opera sarcasm,

"I mean, no one ever knew who my father was. He disappeared the day I was born. It was tragic."

Saruman sniffed sadly then turned to get a tissue from his desk. As he did this Snape stood up quietly, grasping the lead piping firmly. He then brought this round in a full-force swing to whack Saruman on the back of the head. Saruman fell to the ground with a loud thump and an 'Ow.' 

Snape dusted his robes off with a slight cough, pride welling up inside him. It wasn't often Snape fought evil wizards off with only his bare hands. Oh and lead piping – but Snape decided he sounded much more brave without the addition of the weapon. 

Of course, when he heard Saruman mutter angrily "Ohhh me head…" he forgot all about his pride, grabbed his wand and Saruman's staff and got the hell out of there. 

***

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AN: I have literally been slaving over this chapter. Sorry to keep you all waiting. I hope it was worth it o_O

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Jaws – Mad = fun lol. Joke on Sirius? I like that idea! And the slash idea had me laughing, I think you may be onto a winner!

_adnama_blake @ hotmail.com_– Lol, thanks for the review! Healthy hair and Snape – it's the stuff of nightmares!

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Charlotte Black – Omg, thanks for adding me to your Fav Authors list ^_^ 

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Jencraw – Glad you liked the water! I was hoping people would pick up on that lol

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Elwen Rhiannon – I wasn't going to have Snape and Saruman having a conversation, but your review made me decide to write one. Hope you like it! The palantir will have a part, believe me ^_^

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Anonymous – Hope another ditty does come soon lol :P

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Sasery – Avoiding ff.net? Yes, is it just me or are they like killing off half the storiesO_O?!?! 

I've been going through a writer's block period, but I think I'm back into the swing of things now. Please email at oogieboogiesboys@hotmail.com with any ideas/comments/if you just want to chat. 

Also if anyone has any fics they've written that they'd like me to read or whatever, I'd be glad to ^_^!!! I love to read!

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Please leave a review, I'd really appreciate it. 


	21. Sirius&Remus have a plan&YES Snape uses ...

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A/N: Those of you who have been reading for a while may have noticed (or not) that I've replaced previous chapters. I think the story layout looks better now. May I also add in a word of thanks to 'Jaws' for the idea that develops in this and the next chapter. 

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Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all his little friends and world do not belong to me. It belongs to JK Rowling and whoever has their hands in the copyright pool. All Lord of the Rings stuff belongs to JRR Tolkien and whoever has their hands in the copyright pool. If any of these things did belong to me, do you really think I'd be sitting here writing fanfiction and walking dogs for my cash?!

**

Harry sat and stared at the hobbit he'd come to know as Sam. Sam, who still had no idea what the strange boy that had appeared out of nowhere with Gollum two nights ago was called, stared back at him. Harry by all accounts was a simple boy. This personality trait could be seen throughout several events in his life; such as not figuring out he was a famous wizard. Or not realising that the best thing to do around Snape is to keep your mouth shut. Or at least don't talk about how evil you think he is out in the open. Snape has a finely tuned ear, and often you will find a shadow engulfing you as soon as you let his name pass your lips. Harry was now not only a simple boy, but also a simple boy driven mad by the success and fame of his friends. But he was neither mad nor simple enough to believe that for the last two days he'd been hallucinating wildly and had created a whole new country out of nowhere – without the aid of illegal substances. Harry had figured out two things during his deep thinking last night. One being that he was no longer in Hogwarts. This he was OK with, as that was his plan. But, what he had not planned on was to be cut off from Ron and Hermione and to be left stranded in Mordor with an unlikely hero with the same melodramatic and depressing fate as himself. The second thing he had figured out had got him into quite a rage. He realised that - for the first time that he could ever remember - his name wasn't in the title of the story.

Sam scratched his head as he watched the messy-haired boy scowl at nothing in particular. Having found a scrap of bravery, he picked up a nearby stick. He then proceeded to poke the messy-haired boy. Harry suddenly snapped at Sam, then squealed,

"OW! It hurts us! Nasssty hobbit! Nasty!"

From a couple of feet away Gollum burbled happily to himself and clapped his hands. He'd found a friend. 

**

Sirius grinned insanely as he watched Remus' face crinkle up in slight confusion but overall laughter at the book he was holding in his hands. Standing up, Sirius asked eagerly, 

"Well? What do you think?"

Remus mused over what to say. His words had to be chosen carefully in order to reflect his feelings exactly. 

"It's frigging brilliant."

Sirius nodded in agreement. Now came the hard task of what on earth to do with Snape, for the plan to send Harry to annoy Snape had backfired in a most obvious way. Sirius had the vague feeling that Harry ending up in Mordor wasn't entirely by accident – for he was almost positive that the book had been in the middle of writing about Snape shouting angrily at a hobbit called Pippin. But who was Sirius to question the weird ways of how literature worked?

The two of them had been sitting up all night thinking about a simple, effective and totally hilarious prank to play on Snape. In memory of James, of course. They had thought about having a laugh with bunnies, but the wizard called Gandalf, who Remus and Sirius both now worshipped as the Almighty Taker of the Piss (out of Snape), had already done this. Admiration from the two men was hard to gain, but Gandalf had gained it. The next obvious prank was to involve Snape and the colour pink in some obscurely funny way but, of course, this had been done many times before and will probably be done many times again in the future. And although neither of the men would ever admit it, Snape did suit the colour – so there was no point in trying to use it against him.

No, the prank that the two men were going for had to be the prank of the century. **Bigger** than the prank of the century. It had to be funny, it had to be good, and most importantly, it had to be something that would really, really infuriate Snape. For there was nothing funnier than seeing a pale man turn purple in a homicidal rage. 

Except possibly that time that James got stuck trying to clamber over a barbed wire fence. **That** was funny. James had walked with a painful limp for weeks afterwards. 

And so the two men had rattled their brains. And they had fought down all their morals, beating them violently with very big metal poles. For once morals were out of the way, the possibilities for pranks were outrageously big. If you hadn't figured it out already, all morals were beaten to a bloody pulp on the night that the 'funny prank' that almost got Snape killed (during his time as a student at Hogwarts) was thought up. Anyway, after a lot of "What about…no…" and "Oh but maybe…nah…" had been thrown around, Remus scratched his chin thoughtfully and said,

"Remember when we were so convinced that Snape was gay?"

"What do you mean, 'were'? He is! No question about it." Sirius replied bluntly.

"Oh. Are you sure?"

"Yes! Of course I am! Remus, don't tell me you've lost faith in the Snape Likes Men club!"

"I haven't! I just think, well, isn't that club a little childish?"

The look Sirius gave Remus at that point in time was enough to persuade Remus that no, the club was not childish. Sirius cleared his throat,

"Anyway, why did you bring that up?"

"I don't know, I was just thinking…well, Snape doesn't much like Gandalf, does he?"

"No."

"Well, what if," Remus looked at Sirius with a special glint in his eye, the kind that only people who know that what they're about to say is the **greatest **thing that has ever been said has, and continued,

"What if Snape was to…**like** Gandalf?"

"Come again?"

Remus repeated himself carefully placing the emphasis on different words,

"I said, what if **Snape **was to like **Gandalf**."

Sirius thought for a second, and Remus widened his eyes in waiting for him to catch on. 

"Oh dear God."

Sirius said suddenly with a pinch of joyful hysteria in his voice and then ran for The Book.

They say that the course of true love never does run smoothly. The same principle can be applied to pranks. 

Especially when you've just beaten your own morals senseless. 

***

Snape ran as fast as one physically can when wearing long, flowing black robes. His mother had always warned him not to let style to get in the way of plain common sense. Of course, she had also claimed to be a teabag, so Snape never listened to any of her advice. But he realised as he ran, fervently trying not to trip over the black cloth, that perhaps his mother had more sense in her than he had previously thought. He just wished that he had realised it before now. Flinging himself out of Orthanc's huge doors he collapsed into a tired heap. Treebeard hmmmed at Snape thoughtfully.

"What? What have I done wrong? I bloody well knocked the man out, didn't I?"

Snape shouted angrily, and then threw Saruman's staff at Treebeard,

"Look! I even got the staff!"

Treebeard nodded and picked it up,

"Yes, hrum, you did, you did. But tell me, what happens to the sheep if the shepherd leaves the gate open?"

Snape blinked, then raised one eyebrow asking,

"Eh…what?"

"Hmm, wizard, if the gate was left open by the shepherd, what would the sheep do?"

"What? How the hell should I know? Do I look like a sheep farmer to you?"

From beside him Pippin giggled as Merry whispered,

"Well, now that you come to mention it…"

Snape clenched his fists, and then glared at Treebeard. In turn, Treebeard sighed,

"The sheep would be free to leave."

"Great. Thank you for that, I'm sure that that piece of information has enlightened my life and touched my heart forever." Snape said, giving Treebeard a withering smile. 

"It seems to me, wizard, hmm, that your capacity for basic common sense has momentarily left you," Treebeard pointed out - in a rather mother-like way thought Snape – then added,

"I am trying to ask you, hrum now, how do you propose to keep Saruman in that tower?"

"Well…Your lot are here aren't they?"

"Hum, come now, that may be, but we cannot control the birds in flight that could be under Saruman's control, waiting in readiness for a situation such as this. The wizard may not have his staff, but he still has means."

Snape studied Treebeard's face carefully, knowing full well that Treebeard didn't trust him. He probably thinks I plan on helping him thought Snape. Well, if he thinks I'm going help a man who feels comfortable wearing such a stupid looking cloak then he's got another think coming. 

Pulling out his wand, Snape shouted to everyone,

"Stand back!"

(Although this was more for the effect of drama, rather than through any worry of danger to nearby persons.) With a murmur of an incantation, white flashes of light were produced from Snape's wand, which proceeded to run up the tower creating a ripple effect throughout each stone in the wall. Treebeard looked slightly amazed. 

"Hrum, wizard, what was that?"

"A little binding spell. Well, not little, quite a big and powerful one actually."

On those words Snape could hear shouting coming from a window several metres above his head. 

"Ah! What a clever wizard you are. I'm impressed. I didn't think you would quite manage to get past me, let alone get to the point of being able to bind me to my own home."

Snape looked up, it was coming from Saruman. 

"I like to surprise people." Snape replied coolly.

"Yes, you do rather, don't you? I can tell you I was surprised by being hit around the hit with lead piping."

Snape said nothing in reply to this comment, embarrassed that the assembled company surrounding him now knew that he didn't take out Saruman with his bare hands. Saruman continued,

"You know, I enjoyed your company? I really thought that we might be on the same wavelength. I can tell that you want what I want, and that your powers could have got it."

Snape blinked and thought, was that a compliment? 

"And," Saruman paused, then said silkily, "If I was your father I would have been proud of how you outsmarted me."

Snape was getting confused, because your prisoner was not meant to be nice to you and make you feel guilty. In fact Saruman's words were making him want to take the spell off Orthanc.

"But wizard…" 

Snape looked up again to hear the rest of what Saruman had to say, 

"You have not beaten me in one area. For I still have the advantage of height."

"Height? Why should that matter? Your staff is with me and you are trapped in your own cage."

"Oh it matters, for unlike you, I am able to do something like this…"

Snape squinted and looked closely at the window to see what Saruman was talking about. A weedy looking man (i.e. Wormtongue, who is not to be confused with Wormtail) came to the window and screamed,

"AHA! Take that!"

Then Wormtongue threw something out the window. 

The last thing Snape saw was a round stone flying towards him. After that, there were just a lot of cartoon stars flying around his head.

***

****

A/N : Thanks awfully much to : **Charlotte Black, Little-Hobbit, Mandy Snape,** **Sasery, Digitaru, Elwen Rhiannon** (Snape used magic ^_^) **Lady Jay Grey, Raven AB, Jaws, Sarahduck9, Tigerlily.**


	22. Remus becomes the object of sum1's affec...

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A/N: YAY! Another chapter up this weekend, I'm so happy ^_^! This chapter plays around with TTT a bit, especially in the case of the palantir. My Sauron is slightly OOC, but I like him ^_^ and I think it works OK. This chapter sorta parodies slash, but there's nowt physical, believe me – only FUNNY! I haven't been updating half as much as I ought to, partly because of lack of inspiration and partly cos of another fic I'm desperately trying to get written in time for Halloween, lol. But I have had enough of its seriousness for the moment and am glad of the humour I can write in this one! So, for your viewing pleasure, I am glad to introduce…Chapter 22!

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Disclaimer: 

I don't own Harry and I don't own Snape 

And man, that really makes me quite irate!

Then I try and try to own George and Fred 

But as all my previous chapters have said

They do not belong to my hyper teenage brain

So I now will express extremely clearly again: 

All these characters, their friends and their world that's cool

Belong to JK Rowling and others with their hands in the Harry Potter copyright pool!

And now comes the time for verse two 

Something I bet you hoped I wouldn't do!

Well I don't own Middle-Earth, Pippin or Merry

Glad not to own the Black Riders cos they're really scary

And as all the chapters in this story have plainly stated:

(And quite frankly this repetition is getting **really** dated)

All these characters, their friends, Middle-Earth and the like

Belong to JRR Tolkien, his publishers and whomever else holds the copyrights!

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A/N: Umm…sorry *embarrassed of her 'poetic' outburst* I'm just getting really sick and tired of disclaimers and wanted to do something different…o_0

***

And so we come to talk about our other two friends, who go by the names of Hermione and Ron. The two, of course, are in the awful predicament of being very good friends, but with one loving the other. It's not good. Especially when the other doesn't like you in that way. Ron really thought he had Hermione for a while, just around the time that he had told her his feelings in an awfully weird yet wonderful way. Of course the phrase 'around the time' is in need of clarification, being that the time was for about 10 seconds of a silent pause from Hermione before she started shouting angrily at him. Now, just to further their troubles, they were riding to Helm's Deep. Uncomfortable friendships and sword fighting just don't mix.

"Hermione!"

Strider shouted to Hermione from several horses in front of her. Without a hesitation she replied with a sweet,

"Yes?" 

"Tell me, what do you propose to do once we arrive?"

Hermione thought for a moment then said,

"Um?"

From beside her Ron sighed,

"Sh*tter, I mean Strider," Ron let out a laugh at his own lame joke - it had taken him all night to come up with that one (lets just say that Ron doesn't have Fred and George's talent for comedy) then continued as Hermione scowled at him, "Is asking you what you plan to do. For example, do you plan on fighting?" 

"Of course I do! What do you take me for? I'm hardly going to run away, am I? I **have **faced some violent and nightmarish things in my time you know." 

"Oh, I know you have! You've seen Pansy and Millicent changing in the girls changing room on sports day!"

Hermione rolled her eyes and sighed,

"Actually, I was referring to our run-ins with You-Know-Who over the past few years, but yes," Hermione shuddered, "The sight of Pansy and Millicent changing is quite horrifying."

Strider shouted over again,

"But are you prepared enough to fight in a battle?"

"Yes! Have you all forgotten that Snape isn't the only one with a wand?" asked Hermione, clearly agitated. Ron then decided to point out to her that she hadn't, as of yet, really used her wand – except for the jinxing of Snape's wand. Ron was also dubious over Hermione's choice of fighting in battle, so he decided, just in case anything bad happened, that he should stay near her at all times. 

Just to make sure she stayed safe, of course, nothing to do with the fact that she was a talented witch with a working wand. 

***

Remus flicked his wand thoughtfully as Sirius was going through Snape's bookcase in search of a good spell to use. Sirius, I should note, was also crazy with happiness,

"Remus! You have no idea of what a genius you are, do you? I mean this is great! Amazing!"

"I know. I wouldn't have told you my idea if it wasn't."

"True, true." Sirius laughed, "Snape is going to be so p*issed off when he finds out what we're doing!"

"The point, my dear friend," Remus pulled a book that had the spells that Sirius was looking for out of the bookcase, then patted Sirius on the shoulder as he gave the book to him, "Is that Snape does not find out. At least, not until after he's tried to get into…"

Remus was cut off mid-sentence as the door next to him burst open and Fred and George fell face down onto the floor. Remus and Sirius looked at each other. As the twins stood up, Fred's mutter of "I told you we shouldn't have leant any harder on the door!" could be heard. George grinned,

"Professor Lupin! Mr Black!"

"George. Fred." Remus nodded, wondering how much they had heard. But then realised that because he was wondering this, Fate would have made certain that Fred and George had heard everything that had been said between himself and Sirius. So he skipped all the usual accusations of "How much have you heard?" and jumped straight in,

"So. You've heard everything I assume."

Fred and George nodded wildly. Sirius scratched his head, slightly behind with the dialogue, since he had been expecting to hear accusations of "How much have you heard?" 

Sirius wasn't as quick thinking and logical as Remus in these kind of situations. 

"We…we were wondering…" Fred and George looked at each other as they said this at the exact same time, then Fred continued,

"We were wondering if we could help…in any way. And we do mean in any way possible…we just **NEED** to be a part of this prank!" 

George agreed loudly,

"Here, here!"

Sirius smiled and threw the spell book Remus had given him at Fred, saying,

"Page 83 - read out exactly what we have to do slowly."

Fred and George looked at Sirius and Remus, then at the spell book, then each other.

And **then** they screamed with joy.

They were about to play a part in one of the best jokes on Snape that they had ever heard off. Lucky devils. 

***

Ron stared as Gimli swiftly and cleanly chopped an orc's head off. Staying near to Hermione hadn't been easy, for he realised that she was a ferocious creature on the battlefield. Her and Legolas had been cutting down the orcs as if they were nothing but paper-thin trees. Ron, on the other hand, had sided with Gimli, who was hacking at the ugly brutes as if they were wood. Ron himself was…well…he was…hiding behind a large metal shield. I mean he had tried to use a sword but it had made him lose his balance, then the bow and arrows they…well, lets just say Strider is now fighting with a slight limp due to an arrow injury in his thigh. It's not like I purposely meant to hit him, thought Ron angrily, it was just that my hand slipped!

"Aha! And that last orc makes my count 5! What about you lad?" Gimli shouted to Ron over the screams of the fighting. Ron cleared his throat,

"Uh, I tripped up one as it passed me and it fell on a spear!" Ron bellowed back in reply, then added quickly just for the dramatic effect (because that's what we're all so fond of in this story), "Hoorah for me!"

Gimli grinned, 

"That's the spirit lad!" then turned his attentions to an attacking orc. Ron waited for a moment as Gimli finished the annoying creature off. 

"Gimli?"

"Yes?"

"Tell me," Ron raised his voice because sudden screaming of "I'm melting! I'm meltiiiiing!" had started up somewhere in distance, and continued, "You wouldn't happen to know anything about woman?"

"Is this going to be about your obsession with that girl Hermione?"

Ron thought for a moment then said blankly,

"Yes."

"Oh," Gimli took a second to remove an orc arm stuck on his axe-blade, "I'm afraid can't help you out much there lad. Don't know very much about women."

Ron sagged sadly. Gimli gave him a hopeful smile and said,

"But I could tell you whatever you want to know about gold if you want."

***

Snape rubbed his head as he sat up. Looking around him, he realised he'd been moved out of the way and into a quiet area. Alone at last, thought Snape, thank the good Lord! Or not, seeing as I am a wizard…Snape shook his head. It really wasn't the time to get into religious arguments with himself. Looking down, he realised that the stone he'd been knocked out by was sitting beside him. It was a perfectly smooth, dark and round crystal. Snape raised a happy eyebrow and said aloud,

"I'm impressed. The old man had taste. What a pity he threw the thing away," Snape reconsidered, "Actually, not a pity, for that would make a really great paperweight! Maybe if I ever get home I'll get the chance to use it…"

And so Snape picked up the enticing paperweight and examined it closer. A faint glow began to appear,

"Strange" whispered Snape, as he lowered his head to it. Suddenly there was nothing but darkness and a voice…

"**You**!"

"Me?" Snape said hoarsely at nothingness now ever so worried about his new paperweight. 

"**Yes you! You are not Saruman**!"

"No…" Snape was now dubious over whether this thing was actually a paperweight.

"**Who are you**?"

"Professor Severus Snape, a wizard," Snape thought for a second, "A powerful one."

There was a piercing laugh. Snape scowled,

"What are you laughing at?"

"**You**."

"Well…who are you?"

"**I am Sauron**."

"Oh." Snape thought hard for a second and knew that he should not have bothered asking that question, for who else could it have been? I mean, who else could literally talk in a bold type? 

"**Anyway, I'm getting side-tracked. Tell Saruman that this dainty is not for him**," Sauron was suddenly stopped mid-sentence. Snape had butted in,

"Yes, what exactly was I going to use as my new paperweight?"

"**This is a palantir. A seeing stone. But only those who have great power and strength can wield it**."

"I see. So could I, for example, be able to see into my world?"

Sauron laughed,

"**No. Only to other stones like this one…unless you possess great power and…**"

"…Strength." Snape thought for a moment, then said,

"Let me see Hogwarts."

"**What? Are you asking me, Sauron the Great to do your bidding**?"

"No. I am telling you to."

If Snape had been able to see Sauron's eyes, he would have seen them blink in sheer surprise. 

"**Why do you dare say this to me**?"

"You remind me of a Lord I used to serve under."

Sauron's face (had it been there for Snape to see) wrinkled in confusion. For some strange ungodly reason he felt like humouring the man. And believe you me; it takes a lot to get Sauron to do anything remotely like that. 

***

Sirius stood on one side of The Book, and Remus on the other. Fred and George stood in a dazed happiness as they watched Remus raise his wand and hold it over the book. Then, for some reason or another, Sirius said,

"I think we should just clarify out loud what on earth it is that we are about to do."

Fred and George looked at each other and then said in unison,

"Why?"

Remus followed the twins and asked,

"Yes, why?"

"I don't know. The thought just came to me that perhaps we should say it out aloud." Sirius scratched his head. Remus gave him an odd look,

"Well…I'm about to cast a spell, that will make Snape…"

***

Snape screamed shrilly like a little girl as he heard Remus clarify out loud exactly what they were about to do. It made Sauron laugh. 

"What am I going to do? How am I going to stop them?" 

Snape began to fiddle nervously with the necklace that Galadriel had given him as he thought desperately for an answer. Suddenly, the necklace began to move. Snape blinked and let go of it. It disappeared in a puff of green smoke. Snape gave the space where the necklace had been a worried look, then jumped as he heard a female voice inside his head whispering, 

"Just a necklace? I'll show you!"

***

A much larger puff of green smoke appeared in Snape's room behind Remus, where the four pranksters where in the middle of pranking. Sirius looked up at Remus, as Remus was about to say the last words of the spell, and screamed,

"There's a massively huge silver and green snake behind you Remus! Run for your life!"

Remus gave Sirius a withering look and continued,

"…All for…" at this point, just before the last and most critical word of the spell was uttered, the huge snake that **was **behind Remuslunged forward, knocking Remus off-balance, making his wand point away from the book and straight at Sirius instead. As Remus fell, he shouted the last word of the spell before he could stop himself,

"…LOOOOOOOVE!"

Sirius and fell backwards as a wave of pink light hit off his chest. Fred and George stared open mouthed at the snake, then at Remus, then at Sirius. The snake, looking pleased with itself, disappeared just as suddenly as it had appeared. Remus blinked and stood upright, then decided to stare at Sirius. 

Sirius blinked several times and groaned,

"Wha-what happened?"

Remus gave him a hand up and said sadly,

"I have no idea. But whatever happened stopped the greatest prank on earth occurring today." 

Sirius rubbed his eyes and stared into Remus' face. 

****

And Sirius saw the man he loved.

***

****

A/N: Bwahahahahaaaa! I love you Sirius, I really do, but that's what you get when you try to laugh at my Sev! *clears throat* Don't worry though! He won't love Remus for long! It's a short-lived and funny spell! Anyway, I hope those last scenes made sense, because I had to keep changing from one place to another! May I just say a big thank you to Jaws again because the inspiration for that whole storyline came from their review!

Also thank you to **Charlotte Black** and **Mary Snape** for reviewing chapter21 already ^_^!


	23. Gandalf takes Snape's paperweight&just h...

**A/N:** If anybody wants to join a mailing list for updates on this fic (i.e. receive info on when new chapters are up and hear my excuses for not having updated sooner…lol :P) could you leave your email address in a review or contact me at (oogieboogiesboys@hotmail.com) and let me know? Cheers^_^! Also if you have any ideas or a character (out of either of the books) that you would like to see in this, mail me at the latter address and I'll see what I can do!   

**Disclaimer:** *has run wild with madness and hatred for disclaimers* Um… as previous chapters. Please look at them before you go suing. 

***

The air surrounding Orthanc was thick and full of hatred. And for once it had nothing to do with Saruman and his dark and fiendish army of orcs (ok, so fiendish is perhaps too strong a word to use…more like foolish or oaf-ridden…) No, this hatred had nothing to do with any of them, for it had been caused due to the arrival of Gandalf the now dazzling white. The first thought that had popped into Snape's mind upon seeing him went something along the lines of – 'That man must spend a fortune on muggle washing powder…' Gandalf, of course, was not exactly ecstatic about meeting Snape again, which I suppose is entirely understandable seeing as Snape had tried to kill him. 

"Snape." Gandalf nodded at our beloved professor in acknowledgement.

"Gandalf," Snape replied then, without batting an eyelid, smirked, "White suits you. Goes well with the beard."

"And black could never be anything but **your **colour, Snape." Gandalf answered with a false smile.

Everybody took a step back from the two men at this point, expecting them to begin to rip out each other's vocal cords. Thankfully, both thought the better of it. Snape pointed to Orthanc,

"No need to worry about Saruman. I have him secured."

"I see."

Everybody took another step back as the tense silence grew louder, waiting for Gandalf to shout at Snape over the attempted murder incident. Or turn him into a bunny. Or just hurt him in some painful manner. The shouts never came, the bunny never appeared and even the Snape-hurting didn't pop in to say hello. All that followed was a few minutes of stubborn staring from both wizards. After these stubborn minutes, Gandalf shook himself, sighing, and walked over to talk with Merry and Pippin. Snape congratulated himself on winning that little staring contest, then walked over to Ron and Hermione.

"Well?" Snape looked at them.

Hermione and Ron looked at each other, then back to Snape.

"Yes Professor?" asked Hermione.

"Would you kindly tell me where on earth you two idiots gallivanted off to?" Snape asked angrily.

Ron grinned,

"We fought in the battle at Helm's Deep!"

"Well, that would explain the state of your uniforms," Snape stated with contempt, "20 points from Gryffindor for looking like you've both been dragged backwards through a hedge – keep yourselves neat in the future."

In the background of this scene Merry and Pippin let out a happy chorus of 'Ooooo!', for they had been suffering withdrawal symptoms from not having done it in so long. Gandalf scolded them for liking Snape.  

Hermione laughed in disbelief,

"You can't seriously be taking points off us? We've been fighting in a battle…a **battle**!"

"Miss Granger, are you questioning my punishment and authority?"

"With all due respect," Hermione then stressed the next word with slight sarcasm, "**Sir**, when hypocrisy comes into question then yes. You **do** realise your hair his grown at least four inches since I last saw you? Awful messy if you ask me. And you most certainly didn't have such tattered and frayed robes."

Snape ground his teeth together slowly and then went to say a cutting remark, but for once his mind failed him in comments. So instead he gave her an evil look then turned abruptly on his heels and marched off to where he had been camping for the last couple of days, in search of his paperweight. 

Ron watched Snape walk away then turned to Hermione and said,

"I hope one day somebody removes that pole from his ass – I really do."

***

Remus ran into Dumbledore's office as fast as he could, skidding as he entered so he could turn quickly and slam the door behind him. Remus then proceeded to barricade the door, using whatever he could find. The range of objects he used included a desk, a chair, a sofa, a chest of drawers, some heavy looking books and then Dumbledore himself. Dumbledore blinked as Remus carried him over his shoulder and threw him down on top of his sofa. Which, for the record, was balancing awkwardly on top of the desk. Dumbledore looked down at Remus from the little makeshift throne that Remus had managed to create and said,

"I know you look up to me Remus, but really, crowning me isn't necessary."

Remus slumped to the floor and sighed,

"Sirius loves me."

"Oh that's no secret! I've been waiting for him to own up to that one since you two were in sixth year!"

Remus stared blankly at Dumbledore, in slight shock and disgust, then shook himself and said,

"No, I mean a spell just backfired on us and that's the reason why he loves me." 

"I'm sure he loves you for more than just because of that! You do have lovely eyes, you know."

"Yes, thank y-" Remus' eyebrows crinkled in sudden thought, "NO, no! Sirius only loves me because of the spell!"

"Oh, now don't be so hard on yourself Remus," Dumbledore smiled gently, "You're a very pretty young man, I can see why Sirius loves you. Don't assume it was all because of a little spell - don't be so modest!"

Remus stood up in frustration,

"You don't get it! It's because of the spell that we were going to-" 

Remus was cut off by a sudden, loud knocking on the door and a familiar, yet muffled, voice shouting,

"Remus! Remus come back to me! I need you! You are my sun, my moon, my air, and the blood in these veins of mine! The light in my darkness, the heat of the fire in my coldest winter… the sausage meat in my sausage roll!"

Dumbledore watched Remus let out an irritated growl as he opened the window to try to calculate the height he had to fall in order to escape a crazed Sirius. Dumbledore then sighed,

"Ah, young love…how sweet." As he dabbed his eyes with a handkerchief.

***

Snape began to sort through what little belongings he had, muttering angrily to himself about Gandalf. Ohhh, Snape thought, Gandalf the wise, Gandalf the White, Gandalf the great wizard who everybody loves just because his eyes twinkle like Dumbledore's, Gandalf the I-am-so-brilliant! Hah! I bet he couldn't brew a verruca-killing potion to the degree of perfection that I can brew one to!

Stopping for a second, Snape stared at the ground,

"Where is my paperweight-cum-palantir?"

From a little bush beside him there was a loud screaming. Without the time for Snape to even draw one single breath everyone was standing beside him looking concerned, because that's what happens when someone screams. Gandalf picked Pippin up from out of the bush. He then picked up the palantir. Snape made a grab for it,

"That belongs to me."

Gandalf glared at Snape, then tucked the palantir into his robes. Of course, Gandalf didn't have to look at it to figure out what it was, because he's Gandalf and he magically knows everything. 

"I think you will find that this…does not belong to you, Severus Snape. It is a much darker and dangerous tool than you will ever know." Gandalf said gravely, and the assembled company (bar Snape) gasped. Instead, Snape rolled his eyes. Gandalf then tended to Pippin, and asked him to tell them everything that had happened. Everyone listened with a false interest.

"And then," Pippin gulped, "He said, '**Tell Saruman this dainty is…oh bugger, what was it I was meant to tell Saruman? Ah yes, that this dainty is not for him! Tell him that! Understand?**' and I was so frightened!" Pippin sobbed into Gandalf's white cloak. Note the colour is white. Not grey. White (it makes him feel more important when this colour is emphasised.) Gandalf nodded, patting Pippin on the back. Snape sighed, clearly annoyed, and asked,

"Did he say anything else to you?"

Pippin wiped his nose,

"Yes, yes he did…he also told me to tell you something Sev, it was '**Tell Snape that the dog now loves the wolf. Oh, also remind him that I'm free next Tuesday for a game of poker if he's up for it.**' And that was all…" 

Gandalf glared at Snape,

"You've befriended the Dark Lord Sauron? What kind of foolish idiot are you?"

Ron shrugged at this comment and chipped in with,

"Well, we all secretly know that he's friends with You-Know-Who, so I don't see why he wouldn't become chummy with Sauron. Stands to reason that he would."

Snape gave Ron a I-shall-kill-you-mark-my-words look then gave Gandalf a controlled smile and said,

"I've always found that it's good to keep your enemies close at hand."

"Well, that may be so where you come from…Snape…but here we like to keep them as far away as physically possible!" Gandalf growled, then grabbed Pippin and walked off shouting, "Snape! Follow me! You are to come with me, so I can keep a close eye on you."

Snape cursed under his breath then turned to Ron and Hermione who gave him innocent smiles,

"It seems we are to part again. I hope that by the next time I see you that you two will have tidied yourselves up a bit. You've already clocked up a month's detention since we arrived in this god-forsaken world."

Ron and Hermione stared at him with open mouths, but then they shut them once they saw the psychopathic killer look in his eye. It was advisable not to piss off Snape when he was in that mood. 

***

For the third time in the same hour, Sam gave Frodo a big, long and touchy-feely hug. On seeing this, Gollum nudged Harry, who looked over to where the hobbits where and let out an evil chuckle at the sight. Harry then began to muse, once again, over how to become famous. So, he was in the book – big deal. It wasn't even as if he had ended up with the others who were able to go to the interesting places full of intricate storylines and different roads to go down. No, Harry was stuck with a couple of hobbits (one who was scarily over-friendly and the other being in serious need of a happy pill – such a depressive hobbit should **not** be allowed to roam free) on their way to a big, fiery mountain to destroy some ring. Of course, he did have Gollum but, as you can probably imagine, Gollum wasn't much of a conversationalist. Come to think of it, neither was Harry. Not anymore anyway. Well, thought Harry, perhaps I could do something while in Mordor with the 'ring-bearer' to reclaim my fame?

Harry then thought lots. Harry thought hard. He did this for so long that the day eventually ran into the night. 

Then it hit him suddenly, like a brick would hit him if he were thrown accurately at his head. Except it wasn't as painful as being hit by a brick, nor did it knock him out or leave a bruise. But it did make a cartoon light bulb appear above his head. 

All he had to do was kill Frodo, take the ring and destroy it – thus becoming the hero of the story and then everybody would love him again! It was simple. Harry figured there was only one problem: He didn't want to be known as the boy who killed Frodo the depressed hero hobbit. After a second or two's thought, Harry turned to the creature sitting beside him and, grinning sneakily, said,

"…Gollum…?"

"Yes, my precious?" Gollum looked eagerly to his new, and only, friend – ready to hear what Harry had to say. 

***

**A/N: **Thanks to…

Mary Snape – I'll post faster I promise! ^_^ 

Charlotte Black – Hehe, I love Remus and Sirius! I dunno, I just always imagine them the way I have them in this fic…

Digitaru – Well, I thank you for your insanity! And I don't know how long Sirius will love Remus…I find them rather funny hehe!

Elwen Rhiannon – I love Sauron! YAY! Thank you ^_^

Sasery – I think there will be more prank playing on Snape…heh heh. 

Pink Devil – Thank you for your review, and don't worry about the ditty!

Jencraw – 'Tis puppy love indeed! 

Zamnaii – Thank you ^_^

Moustachegirl – *dances a dance of victory* Thanks for your review and adding me to your favourites ^_^!

Anonymous – Thank you for reading and not being able to stop! Hehe!

Mandy Snape – I know, I got chapter22 up so fast! I don't know how on Earth I did it…! 


	24. All's not too well in Mordor heh heh&Vo...

**A/N:** Leave your address in the review box or contact me at oogieboogiesboys@hotmail.com and receive emails when I've got a new chapter up! You know you want to ^_^! Going slightly into The Return of the King (due to the fact I do not want to focus solely on Harry in Mordor. Cos I really didn't start this fic with Harry as a main character in mind) and manipulates it a bit…but hey! This is meant to be a parody! Not copied word for word…as I'm sure you've all guessed lol ^_^ 

**Disclaimer: **Yes, my dears, it is true I own none of these people or places! Now go look at other chapters for more detailed disclaimers! I don't own oompa-loompa's either that's Roald Dahl's or whoever holds his copyrights! Or the Sound of Music…it belongs to someone else. Don't know who though. But it ain't me.

***

So Snape rode alongside Gandalf and Pippin to Minas Tirith in Gondor so they could have a chat with Denethor the crazed old loon who just so happens to be a.) The Steward of Gondor and b.) The father of the insane and quite frankly, dead, Boromir. Who many people never really liked anyway. Can't imagine why. 

Gandalf had just spoken to Pippin about seven stars, seven stones and one white tree. Snape, who was listening in, uninvited, to the conversation, let out short sarcastic laugh,

"And tell me, who really cares about a dead tree?"

Gandalf rolled his eyes,

"I think you will find that many people care about trees, Snape, and especially this one." 

Snape sighed irritably into himself, still not understanding why anybody would give two hoots about a dead tree. On saying that, thought Snape, who even gives two hoots about a tree that's still alive? Well, apart from the Ents. And the Elves. And quite possibly that madcap tree-hugging hippy Sybil Trelawney…Snape shuddered, remembering an incident that occurred between himself and her several years ago. It was certainly something he would never forget – for all the wrong reasons. 

"What will we be doing when we get to where we're going?" Snape asked trying to sound remotely interested – after all, Gandalf was the one carrying the all the food and the drink. And Snape was especially thinking of the drink. 

"**Pippin **and **myself** shall be speaking with Denathor. **You** will do as you're told – and will not open that mouth of yours. We do not need another enemy made due to your unsociable and spiteful behaviour." 

"Do not try to order me Gandalf. For I only take orders from one person, and that man is not here."

Gandalf spurred slightly on Shadowfax, then turned to face Snape. Pippin glanced at both of them, and then ducked under his cloak, scared of what he was expecting to happen. 

"And who," Gandalf's eyes shimmered, "Would that be?" 

Snape looked straight into Gandalf's face, wondering if Gandalf was trying to trick him – how could he know about the Dumbledore/Voldemort predicament? Or was he waiting for Snape to fall into a trap? Snape decided to say nothing. Gandalf nodded with a smug look on his face,

"I thought as much."

Snape looked at him in confusion, then asked,

"What?"

"You are under the service of two masters, that's why you are afraid to comment on it."

"I don't know what you mean, Gandalf."

"Yes you do," Gandalf began to ride on, "So serving under one more won't do you any harm. Therefore you will do as I say, at Minas Tirith you will sit pretty and keep quiet."

After a minutes or two's reflective thinking, Gandalf added,

"Maybe a little less of the pretty part. We can't rely on a radical change in your features between here and there can we?" Gandalf laughed loudly, and Pippin giggled. 

Snape watched as the two rode on ahead, narrowing his eyes. Oh yes, Gandalf, thought Snape, I've nearly killed you once – and I can damn well do it again! When you least expect it…

Or perhaps when you do. Whatever suits the moment. 

Either way, it won't be pleasant.  

***

Gollum crawled along musing over what Harry had asked of him. He, of course, had no objections to the request for Harry was his friend. Behind him Frodo let out a gulp as he stared at the ground,

"Look!"

Gollum turned around,

"No! No, you mustn't look! No, my precious mustn't look!" 

Harry listened to Gollum's warnings, then, regardless of his madness he did something instinctively Harry-like. This being doing the exact opposite of what Gollum had told them to do. Come on – you can't be a hero **and **abide by the rules, can you? At least, you shouldn't be expected to have to adhere to the same rules as all the nobodies out there. 

Harry looked down and saw…faces. So many faces…He screamed and danced on his toes in fear,

"There are facesss! Hundreds and hundreds of dead faces!" 

Gollum sighed and clambered over to Harry. Poor Gollum had never asked to be the creature that everyone recoiled in disgust from – but he did at least expect that people would listen to his helpful advice. Even if it was only because they were scared that he'd kill them. 

"Yessss, my precious, that's why this is called the dead marshessess." Hence the dead faces, thought Gollum into himself. He had begun to wonder whether he might be the brightest creature here. It seemed pretty logical to Gollum that if the marshes were called the Dead Marshes (and he had told them this on several occasions) there would be dead people. But the stupid hobbits had ignored him, and his friend hadn't bothered listening. What was the point in being their travel guide if they didn't even listen to his tourist information about the sights? 

***

Draco was having a merry old time hiding behind a suit of armour on his own, firing little spells at all who passed. His last victims, a pair of Hufflepuff first years, had run away screaming once they realised that their heads had turned into giant novelty balloons. Thankfully, he had managed to lose Crabbe and Goyle for a couple of hours, after telling them that there was an all-you-can-eat buffet down in the dungeons. Stupid idiots, thought Draco, why do I let myself put up with them? As Draco thought about his life he heard the sound of running feet. That's funny, thought Draco; I haven't hexed anybody for over five minutes – why would someone be running? Peering out from behind the suit of armour, he saw his old Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher running for dear life, looking like he was wetting himself in the process. 

Remus ran directly at Draco and threw himself behind the suit of armour, messing Draco's hair up in the process. 

"Excuse me Professor!" Draco shouted angrily, fixing his hair, "Do you know how long it takes to get my hair to freeze in this gel-like way?" 

"No Malfoy, and for the safety of my mental health I do not wish to know how." Remus had heard many strange and funny stories about what Draco actually used to keep his hair so rigid and in place all the time, and was in no hurry or mood to hear verifications of that substance at this moment in time. He was too worried that Sirius would catch up with him and give in to animal instincts. Dogs never could control themselves.

After a couple of minutes Draco cleared his throat,

"It seems that you are still here Professor."

"Yes, it does, doesn't it? Normally he's found me by now." Remus said with a look of worry on his face.

"Who?" Draco raised an eyebrow.

"My…uh… friend."

"You mean Black?"

"What?" Remus gasped, how could Draco know who he was talking about? Stuttering he said, "I-I don't know what you mean. Why would it be Black? He's an outlaw!"

Draco rolled his eyes,

"Everybody knows that he's your only friend - Snape told us. **And** everybody knows that he's here at Hogwart's, because Dumbledore has a soft spot for him."  

"Oh." 

"Why's he looking for you?" Draco paused then sneered, "What did you do, steal his good collar?" Draco then giggled evilly to himself, entertained by his own joke.  

Remus gave Draco a strange look as the laugh continued until the boy was in hysterics, rolling around on the floor snorting loudly. Remus shifted slightly away from Draco and said,

"You know Draco, you really should work on that bad-guy laugh. Right know you just sound like an oompa-loompa on helium."

Draco stopped laughing suddenly and started to glare at Remus. Remus shrugged as if to say 'Well…you do sound like one' and then asked,

"Do you know where I could hide out for a bit? Somewhere where Sirius wouldn't be able to find me?"

Draco stroked his chin thoughtfully, carefully eliminating all the places in Hogwarts where Remus could successfully hide from Sirius. Who did Remus take him for – Harry Potter? Why would Draco the Magnificent want to help Remus Lupin?

"I know…" said Draco with a happy glint in his eye, "The Great Hall. At dinnertime. When everybody is there."  

Remus thought for a moment, good God! The little bleach-head has a point! Sirius would never show his face in front of everybody out of the fear of arrest! 

"Thank you Draco!" Remus smiled then bounded off down the corridor to the Great Hall. 

Draco cackled to himself,

"Now, I wonder where I can find Black…?"

***

As Ron and Hermione rode on with the rest of the Fellowshippers, Hermione decided it would be a good time to have a little chat with Ron. It wasn't as if she didn't like him, of course she liked him…I mean they were friends – that's what friends do. But it's just that right now her life was very complicated, and that's why she just couldn't start up a relationship with him. Yes that's it, thought Hermione. Life is complicated. Very. For one, I'm stuck in a book. And if that isn't complicated enough (and it is very complicated, thought Hermione) I'm also trying to strike up a relationship with an Elf, who doesn't seem to realise I'm flirting, so I can make a sexy and mysterious man engaged to a beautiful Elf jealous. So that's why I can't get into anything with Ron. Now all I have to do is to tell him that. Hermione took a deep breath, then whispered, so no one else but Ron could hear her,

"Ron?"

Ron jumped at the sound of Hermione's voice, and his heart flung itself into his throat, where it proceeded to become stuck. 

Ron began to choke.

After a couple of minutes of hitting his chest and coughing in an unattractive way (going beetroot red in the process) his heart fell back down to the right area of his body, and he looked hopefully to Hermione. 

Hermione blinked in confusion, then looked away saying,

"Nothing…it doesn't matter…"

"Oh." Ron sighed, and then went back to his thoughts of Butterbeer and karaoke.   

Later that day, they meet with friends of Strider i.e. more Rangers. They gave Strider a flag from Arwen – which Hermione wasn't at all pleased about. Of course, she did the proper thing and put a spell on it straight away. If Strider were to ride anywhere under a flag, it would be one that Hermione wanted him to ride under. She wasn't being spiteful through this action – it was just that infatuation could do funny things to the brain. Especially to the part concerned with feelings of jealousy. 

The small company of horsemen also came with messages from Elrond for Strider. About some paths that sounded all too scary for Ron's liking. And it turned out that Galadriel was the one who told the rangers to find Strider and to help him. But she also sent messages to Hermione, Ron and to Snape. 

She gave Hermione the message that the dictionary she had given her does have its use, even though it's never mentioned. It just will take time before its most important scene will come – because that's how all stories go. Strangely.

She gave Ron the message that he should never give up, for often girls are blinded by a man's manly beauty, and that someday Hermione will wake up and see that beauty is on the inside, not the outside. Ron was slightly peeved at this part of the message, because it implied that he was ugly and lacked manly beauty. Galadriel also reminded him that she didn't give him one of her tears just so it could sit in it's little box looking pretty and that he damn well better use it.

She also sent Snape a message, although he wasn't there to receive it. It was simple and short – HAH! Thought my gift was stupid ey? Note it saved you from having the desire to jump into bed with Gandalf!

When this message was read out everybody in the vicinity had **very** bad mental images. 

They took vows to never talk of that message again.  

***

The hobbits, Harry and Gollum ended up talking to Faramir, Boromir's brother at some point or another. All they got from Faramir was some information of the outside world, and many warnings not to listen to Harry and Gollum – for Faramir didn't trust the crazed looks in their eyes. Frodo ignored Faramir's words, being the trusting and rather idiotic hobbit that he was. Would you trust two creatures that ate raw fish, hissed on the letter 'S' and always looked as if they were about to murder you? Frodo did. And **that**, my friends, is what makes him an idiot.   

The plan the four had decided on was that they were to head up the stairs of Cirith Ungol, to some caves Gollum knew about named Torech Ungol (Of course, the hobbits were not told the name of these caves, for then they would have realised just how idiotic they were being in following Gollum.) Harry had managed to convince Gollum to take them that way, after he had told Harry of the dangers over imaginary hot chocolate and marshmallows one night. And, being the sneak Harry had turned into, he told Sam and Frodo that they had nothing to worry about- because no one ever went near there.

Of course, he 'forgot' to mention and forbade Gollum from telling the hobbits **why **no one ever went near there.

*** 

Draco whistled happily as he walked along with his hands in his pockets, unaware of how much he looked like one of the kids out of the Sound of Music as he did so. His search for Sirius had so far turned out to be unfruitful. He hadn't found the man. So Draco used a little logical thinking mixed in with pinch of nastiness and had decided to go on a trip to visit the kitchens. The house-elves there had been kind enough to cook him up a nice big juicy steak, and Draco figured that there was nothing that a dog would like more than a steak. Draco was now making his way to where he had left this lovely piece of meat a few minutes ago (surprisingly enough his inventiveness for hiding places was rather small – he had left the steak behind the suit of armour he always hid behind) to find out if Sirius Black had found the bait. 

Surely enough, a large black dog was happily eating behind the armour when Draco came sauntering up the corridor. 

"Black!" Draco shouted loudly, kicking the dog slightly from behind. 

Sirius changed back into human form, and Draco looked disgusted as he did so. The between phases are rather disturbing to see. 

"Uh…Draco, isn't it?" Sirius gave a nervous smile, knowing that he really shouldn't have just shown the young Malfoy who he really was. 

"How did you guess?"

"The bleach," Sirius squinted, "And wow, is it blinding."

Draco took this as a compliment and smoothed his hair with pride, saying, 

"I see you found my little treat then." 

"Yes…Yes it seems I did," Sirius licked his lips and then looking slightly sheepish asked, "Um, you haven't happened to have seen Remus - Professor Lupin to you, around have you?" 

"Oh," Draco put on an innocent face, "I just can't remember…oh no…wait, yes, yes I think I have."

Sirius' eyes lit up,

"Where? Do you know where he might be now? I must find him!"

"I don't really know…I think…**think **he might have gone to…" Draco paused upon seeing the hungry look in Sirius' eyes then asked, "Waiiiiiit…why do you want to find him anyway?"

"It doesn't matter! Just tell me where he is!"

"No, no…I think it's fair – if you tell me why you want him, I'll tell you where he's gone to." Draco grinned.

Sirius sighed, and his eyes went watery,

"Well, if you must know…" Sirius then bent down and whispered into Draco's ear, "When a man loves another man Draco…Or when a dog gets an itch he can't scratch by himself…well…" Sirius winked. 

Draco's face went from a look of laughter to a deathly shade of pale and he took a couple of steps away from Sirius Then pointing up the corridor he said quickly, 

"He went to the Great Hall!" 

As he watched Sirius run off Draco shivered. Poor Lupin, I wonder if I've done the right thing? 

Draco let out a short scream, my God, thought Draco, was that a tinge of conscience? He was really letting himself go if those sorts of thoughts were creeping into his mind. For guilt was not a word in the Malfoy family's vocabulary. 

Of course it was the thought after that which worried him most – for on watching him run away, he thought Sirius had a rather cute behind.

***

The caves that Gollum had pointed Harry, Frodo and Sam down stank. And I mean they smelled really bad. Several jokes were made about this at Gollum's expense, and that made him pretty depressed so he ran off, leaving the three to face the darkness of the caves alone. After a few minutes of quiet pondering, Sam remembered one of Galadriel's gifts to him, and pretty soon they were on their way – Sam providing the light through Galadriel's gift. 

Several tense and frightening moments occurred all at once – one being that they suddenly found that the caves were covered in huge, sticky cobwebs. The next being that they were completely trapped. The last and indeed most terrifying one being that a huge spider was advancing towards them.

All in all, it wasn't really shaping up to be a very good day.

"What do we do Sam?" Frodo shouted at his companion. 

"Um, I don't rightly know master!"

Harry giggled happily; the two silly hobbits were stuck in these caves and were going to die! The spider was going to eat them! And then he would be able to get the ring! Harry danced excitedly.  

He then stopped dancing and after a bit of confused thinking, it suddenly dawned on Harry that he was also stuck (with no way out) in a cobweb filled cave with a giant spider coming towards him. Harry sighed quietly,

"Oh bugger."

***

Dumbledore sighed and put The Book down, just in time to see a raven fly in through the window carrying a letter. Before he had even picked up the letter, Dumbledore knew who it was from and chuckling he said,

"Oh Voldie, you and your letters." 

On opening the letter though, Dumbledore stopped chuckling and instead turned quite serious…

Dear Albus,

Sorry bout this old chap, but there's been a bit of a turn in events over my way. Turns out Snape may not be loyal to me. In fact, it turns out he's taking orders from you! I didn't want believe it myself, for I always thought that you and I had an agreement that we wouldn't steal each other's 'servants' but Lucius assures me that that's what Draco read in The Book.

I know we said we were going to wait a while before starting up another public war, but my men are snapping at my heels to take you and all your muggle-loving friends out. And to tell you the truth I'm a bit p*ssed off myself. So…see you on the battle lines!

Ciao!

Voldemort xox

P.s. Do you still have my copy of that muggle movie The Sound of Music?

Dumbledore stroked his beard, because he liked the feel of it against his fingers, then said to Fawkes,

"Oh dear. Looks like we have a little bit of trouble on our hands."

Fawkes rolls his eyes; 'a little bit of trouble' was the understatement of the century. 

***

END OF BOOK: THE SECOND – BEING THAT OF THE CONTINUING TALE OF THE (NOW BROKEN UP) FELLOWSHIPPERS OF THE RING AND A COUPLE OF TOWERS.

**A/N: **Gosh. I've finished The Two Towers. May I just say a big thank you to everyone who has been reading this and to those who review, I'm really amazed that I've actually got the number of reviews that I have! And I owe it all to you guys! Thank you!

**Digitaru **– Hehe! I luv Remus too! Cept I love Snape more…thank you for the review ^_^

**Mandy Snape** – I don't know which Malfoy who were referring too, but I got an idea for Draco so I wrote him in. Believe me, Remus won't be happy when Sirius arrives at the Great Hall…

**Sasery** – Thanks for the kudos bar! Aww no more reading? *sniffle*

**Charlotte Black** – Wait, is that an "I need help email me" or an "I need help because I love clicking on stories to check for updates"? o_0? (Yes you may now call me a thicko lol)

**Silver*Chime **– Hope you had a nice time on holiday! Thank you for your reviews – I haven't forgotten your scene, I decided that it would be at Dunharrow and will be on your screen soon. 

**Jaws** – Thank you for your last two reviews! Glad you liked the prank!


	25. Sirius sings,Snape is laughed at again,a...

**A/N:** Oh okay, I didn't mean to look like I rushed the last chapter Sasery! It's just the whole last chunk of The Two Towers is all Mordor-based, and I didn't really want to spend too much time over all that detail, considering I'd finished the other character's roles in The Two Towers and was ready to move to The Return of the King. But I'll be writing in another bit about Shelob in the next chapter, even though it's meant to be in The Two Towers. Oh well, lol. And don't worry everybody, this fic isn't going anywhere fast…I'm really loving writing it! 

(Umm…**slight song fic**…teehee)

**Disclaimer: **You should know by now I own none of these characters/places. Please look at previous chapters' disclaimers for more details before you go try to sue my hyper teenage ass. Lyrics taken from the Elephant Love Medley in Moulin Rouge. I don't own the copyrights for that either. But I do adore that scene ^_^

***

BOOK: THE THIRD – BEING THAT OF THE CONTINUING TALE OF THE (NOW BROKEN UP) FELLOWSHIPPERS OF THE RING, A COUPLE OF TOWERS AND A RATHER SEXY KING. 

 ***

Hermione felt like her head was about to explode. This was the first time in her life her clever-ass plans weren't working the way they were meant to be working; in fact, everything was falling apart in a rather depressing way. Her recollection of the day's events so far went something like this…

She had decided she would go and visit Legolas, to try and persuade him to go for a walk – as she had seen Strider around and about and felt that it would be a good opportunity to try and make him jealous, by hanging off another man's arm. This was perfect in theory and indeed in practice, up until the point she rounded a corner and bumped into Legolas laughing with another woman…well, after that the plan just sort of became unglued and it's stuffing began to fall out. Ok, thought Hermione, so Legolas never actually said that he and I had anything. Come to think of it, most of the time it seemed like he was trying to tell me that he really didn't **want **to have anything with me.

But Hermione was hurt all the same, for it's never nice when you're using someone and they end up being the one to get rid of you.

"Legolas!" Hermione let her jaw drop to the floor as she squeaked his name.

Legolas gave her an awkward smile,

"Good morning Hermione…I trust you slept well?"

Hermione blinked in response. Legolas looked to the lady beside him then introduced her as his fiancé to Hermione,

"This is Silverchime."

Hermione blinked a little more. Legolas and Silverchime looked at each other then back to Hermione in silence, and then decided to make their excuses and leave. Hermione blinked at the spot where the two had been standing. 

"Oh." She said to no one in particular. 

As the day went on, she got over the fact that she couldn't use Legolas as some sort of bait to catch Strider with. Instead, she began to think of other ways to get him. An obvious answer was to stick with the original make-him-jealous plan, except find someone willing enough to take Legolas' place. The need for the plan to be resumed as quickly as possible became apparent when she remembered all about Eowyn – who was just as crazy for Strider as she was. But Eowyn had the advantage of being older, prettier and having known Strider for longer than Hermione. And so the time had come for Hermione to do something she had planned on never doing. 

Hermione went to find Ron. 

***

Remus sat happily in the Great Hall at the teachers' table. Ok, so the man wasn't a teacher there anymore, but what with Snape gone and all there was a spare seat. As Remus reached across the table to pick up a lovely chicken leg to munch on, he overheard Dumbledore telling McGonagall that the students had to be told. Remus nearly choked on his food. Surely Dumbledore wasn't planning to tell the students about Sirius being here? Or even worse…that Sirius was madly in love with/sexually attracted to/had fallen head over heels for their old teacher that was randomly sitting at the teachers' table – Remus Lupin? 

The time to worry about that though was suddenly cut short, as the doors to the Great Hall burst open with a dramatic thunderclap. Sirius Black stood there, and for some reason he was soaking wet and looking very Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice. Several of the students (male and female) fainted at the sight. Professor McGonagall flushed. The We Love Professor Severus Snape club scowled at him – after all, he was one of their mortal enemies. Dumbledore cleared his throat and broke the silence,

"Ah…Mr Black."

Remus sunk lower into his chair, hoping he had been able to hide behind a big plate of potatoes in time. But it was too late – Sirius had already spotted him and had begun to shout out to him,

"Love… is a many splendoured thing!" 

"What?" Remus said in a confused fashion. Sirius continued,

"Love lifts us up where we belong! All you need is love!"  

"Oh dear God," Remus whispered into himself, then stood up and pleaded, "Please don't start that again!"

"All you need is loooove!"

"Oh come on Sirius! A man has got to eat!" Remus took another bite from his chicken leg.

"All you need is loooove!"

"Or…or he'll end up on the street!" Remus thought for a moment, "Which is precisely what happened to you my friend so I would drop the 'all you need is love' motto – maybe then you'll find a decent flat to live in."

Sirius didn't give up,

"All you need is loooooove!"

Remus sighed and muttered,

"Love is just a game."

Then something entirely expected by everyone happened. Sirius jumped onto the Gryffindor table and pointed to Remus, shaking his hips sexily as he did so, and sang, 

"I WAS MADE FOR LOVING YOU BABY - YOU WERE MADE FOR LOVING ME!" 

Remus blinked, then turned to Dumbledore. Dumbledore shrugged. The whole hall was now gasping as Sirius began doing a rather bad striptease. Remus was now thoroughly embarrassed by the whole incident and decided that there was nothing for it. He took a small rubber ball out of his pocket and hurled it with such a force that it went flying out through the doors of the Great Hall. Sirius may be lust filled, thought Remus, but there is no power on Earth strong enough to stop a dog from chasing a brightly coloured object. Sure enough Sirius ran out of the Great Hall after the ball screaming, "Gotta catch the ball! Gotta catch the ball!" loudly. 

Dumbledore waited until everyone had gotten over the shock of A.) Seeing Sirius Black, a man who most of them knew as a dangerous murderer, and B.) Seeing Sirius Black do a strip tease dance, before he continued with what he was planning on telling the students. 

"As you all know, Voldemort is back," Dumbledore watched the whole hall flinch in unison, "But what you don't know is that is he planning to attack the castle tomorrow at 3:30pm sharp with a host of Deatheaters."

Professor McGonagall patted Dumbledore on the back, as if to say 'that's all they need to know' but Dumbledore ignored her and continued,

"You may remember from your studies that he knows some terrible spells. Like one that turns you inside out, so your skin is on the inside and your guts hang out in such a way from your body that you have to carry them in plastic bags at all times. Or that other one that causes your nails to grow inwards, rather than outwards, and your hair to fall out. Oh yes and that amazing one that makes your eyeballs shrivel into their sockets until they look like little teeny tiny raisins… but don't panic," Dumbledore paused, and those students who hadn't already fainted/thrown up yet looked hopeful, "Actually…do panic. It's almost certain he'll use them on every single one of you."

Screaming sounded from every conscious student's mouth at once. Those who hadn't yet fainted/thrown up did so.

Professor McGonagall sighed,

"Albus, I think you may have overdone it with the detail."

***

Ron sat on a windowsill swinging his legs back and forth looking forlorn and thinking of Hermione. From the doorway, a female voice said,

"Hello?" 

Ron looked up and saw a blonde-haired lady standing there,

" 'Ullo," Ron replied glumly, "Who are you then?"

"My name is Eowyn."

"That's a pretty name."

Eowyn blushed,

"Why thank you. You're a very sweet boy."

Now it was Ron's turn to blush. 

***

By the time Hermione found Ron, he already knew Eowyn's favourite colour, food and which side of the bed she slept on. Hermione tapped Ron on the shoulder as he was laughing with Eowyn, 

"Ron, can I have a word," she shot Eowyn a look of hatred, "In **private**?" 

Ron looked to Eowyn, and Hermione saw Eowyn give Ron a knowing look. Ron turned back to Hermione and sighed,

"Sure."

Eowyn knew when she wasn't wanted, so she got up and left the room in search of Strider – to stare at his loveliness. Ron turned to Hermione,

"What is it?"

Hermione bit her lip,

"You know that…thing…we were talking about?"

"What thing?"

"The…you liking me thing."

Ron's face flushed with a look of understanding,

"Yes. What about it?"

"Well…I was wondering…maybe we could…or should…give it a go?" Hermione smiled hopefully, thinking - come on Ron! I'm relying on you to make Strider jealous! 

Ron looked at Hermione for a couple of minutes then said quietly,

"No."

Hermione grinned and flung her arms around him,

"Oh thank you Ron!" She then stopped and replayed the last few sentences in her head. Ron looked at the ground. Hermione stuttered,

"Y-you didn't say 'yes'…did you?"

Ron shook his head,

"I'm sorry. You've kept me waiting to long. I don't see the point in bothering – all you're going to do is use me."

Hermione's jaw set,

"Eowyn told you to say that didn't she?!" 

Ron shrugged,

"All she told me was how not to get hurt."

Hermione clenched her fists and shouted,

"Fine! Fine, take her advice then, you don't know what you're missing!" Then ran out of the room.

Ron stared after her for a couple of moments, and tried not to let himself cry. 

Hermione decided to follow Strider to the paths of the dead, which meant she was one up on Eowyn, seeing as Strider had told her to stay at home for her own safety. But for some strange reason Hermione became extremely jealous when Ron told her that he had decided to stay with Eowyn – for the paths sounded way to freaky for him. She tried to dismiss these 'jealous' feelings as anger, but the more she told herself she didn't like Ron in that way - the more confused she became. 

As Hermione mounted her horse, she heard Ron's voice call down from one of the windows,

"Hermioneeeeee! Nooooo! You can't gooooo!"

Hermione smiled to herself, happy that Ron was showing her some attention and replied with a dramatic and tearful answer (because that's what the scene required of her),

"I must go Ron! Don't try to stop me, I won't listen!"

"No! It's got nothing to do with you going, it's just you have my last chocolate frog in your pack!" 

Hermione's jaw dropped in anger and disbelief, the boy didn't even care she was going! All he was caring about was his stomach! Hermione took the chocolate frog out of her pack and threw it at the window, hitting Ron with it,

"There's your stupid frog! GOOD-BYE!"

Ron watched as Hermione rode away, rubbing his head, and muttered to himself,

"There was no need for her to be so damn tetchy."

***

Snape felt his hands begin to sweat as he waited for Gandalf to call him in to see Denethor. He felt like he was waiting to be interviewed for a job – and the fact that Gandalf had told him Denethor would ask him many questions (especially about his insane son) didn't make Snape feel any happier. He never did like being asked too many questions, for it always made his left eye twitch uncontrollably.

Gandalf's head peered around the corner of the door,

"Let me make one thing clear Snape, Denethor is not the kindly man the Theoden is. So choose your words carefully – and speak only when spoken to. Though I doubt he will want to talk with you that much seeing as you have befriended a mortal enemy – Sauron. Now hurry up and come on in."

By the time Snape entered the hall Denethor called…well…his hall, Pippin was talking at length about Boromir's death. Upon seeing Snape enter, Denethor raised a hand to silence Pippin and turned to Snape,

"You."

Snape looked behind him, the turned back to Denethor with a raised eyebrow,

"Me?"

"Yes you! Who else would I be talking to? Myself? What do you take me for? A mad-man?" Denethor said irritably as he beckoned Snape to come nearer. Snape obliged and took a step forward. Denethor sighed sadly,

"You too knew Boromir? My son?"

Snape nodded, restraining himself from saying, "I had the misfortune of that acquaintance, yes."

"This hobbit," Denethor waved over in Pippin's general direction, and Pippin grinned and gave Snape a cheerful wave as Denethor continued, "He tells me you were also there at the time of my son's death."

"I was." Snape replied.

"Then tell me, how did he die? How do you remember it?"

Snape gulped slightly and glanced over at Gandalf, who was watching. Crap, thought Snape, just my luck – the old man just had to ask me how Boromir died, didn't he? It's not like I even saw how exactly how he died! Snape remembered clearly how a man wearing glasses had appeared in a puff of smoke, shouted loudly at him and then hit him round the head. Hard. Still, thought Snape, they're not to know that I was knocked out…I can easily lie. Snape went to open his mouth, fully prepared to regurgitate the information that he had learned about Boromir's death from Merry and Pippin, when Pippin chipped in,

"Oh no, Sevvie didn't actually **see** Boromir die."

"What?" said Denethor, "But you told me that he was there!"

Gandalf raised an interested eyebrow at this little turn of events and watched Snape desperately trying to signal to Pippin, in a bid to keep him quiet. The last thing I need, thought Snape, is for Gandalf to have another reason to laugh at me. 

"Yes, Sevvie was there," giggled Pippin, " But before he had the chance to see Boromir a funny little man with glasses popped out of nowhere and hit him over the head with something. He was out cold on the ground before Boromir had even begun to tire!"

Snape grimaced and looked to Denethor, unsure of how the man would react. But, as always, after a couple of moments silence, both Denethor and Gandalf joined Pippin in roars of laughter at Snape's expense. Gandalf patted Snape on the back,

"The Great Wizard, Severus Snape, strikes again! Tell me, have you ever survived one full battle or fight **without** being knocked unconscious at some point?"

Snape seethed with anger – but held his tongue. 

***

Back at Hogwarts, 3:30pm of the next day rolled round pretty darn quickly. By now most of the students had tried to flee the castle, but had been brought back. Every wizard is needed, said Dumbledore, even the young and thick ones. The Quidditch pitch was lined with wizards. On one hand there was Dumbledore's crew and on the other there was a huge bunch of Deatheaters. The two sides kept making faces at each other and hurling insults about the other's mothers. Dumbledore and Voldemort stood face-to-face mid-way between the two 'armies'. Voldemort smiled sadly at Dumbledore,

"Hope this doesn't affect our friendship."

"Of course it will Voldie…but…I'll never forget you…" Dumbledore sniffed sorrowfully. 

The two men bowed to each other then proceeded to hold out one their hands in front of them slowly. The surrounding wizards/Deatheaters went wild with excitement and screamed,

"ONE-TWO…THREEEE!"

Voldemort and Dumbledore changed the shape of their hands suddenly and shouted at the same time,

"SCISSORS!" screamed Dumbledore.

"PAPER!" screamed Voldemort. 

Dumbledore chuckled,

"Scissors beats paper. I get to strike at your men first!"

Voldemort looked irritated and said frantically,

"Best out of three! Best out of three!"    

***

Thank you's:

Digitaru: Heh heh! I don't blame Draco, for Sirius does have a cute ass…!

Mandy Snape: Last chapter was my longest yet! Sorry bout the mental images…teehee!

Sasery: Ooooo, I explained the fastness at the top! ^_^

Anonymous: Lol, glad it made you laugh! Thanks!

Silver*Chime: Ok, it was a rather short scene, but a key one! It's pivotal in Ron/Hermione's relationship! I didn't know what to call you…so I just used your pen name but without the (*) – hope you don't mind! 

Elwen Rhiannon: Aha, since I've been writing for SB/RL in this, I have really started loving the pairing! o_0! Never really went for slash before…but now it's all changing…! I ain't forgotten Galadriel either! Promise! 

Charlotte Black: Hope you had a good birthday! Ahhh, you need help cause you enjoy clicking on stories, gotcha now :P


	26. Matching fluffy slippers Dancing pillows...

**A/N:** Yes, I know, the chapter has taken longer to write than usual…**Shameless Plug Warning**…Aha! Yes, it is because I have been writing a brand spanking new fic! It is called '**I Dare Not Ask A Kiss**' and it's a **SS/HG** fic - so run to it all you people who love that pair as much as I do! I promise, it will get good! Snape is accused of murdering Cornelius Fudge! Did he do it? Please read…please? *Puppy-dog eyes*

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything that you recognise everything either belongs to Tolkien or Rowling. Just read previous disclaimers please, where I had a lot more detail about how I really own nothing. And I don't own Reg Shoe. The god of fiction that is Terry Pratchett (bow down and YAY I'm getting his new book tomorrow) owns him. I just thought he would provide a bit of entertainment. Nor do I own the dialogue from Truly Madly Deeply…or Voldie and Dumbledore's insults…they are from Monty Python. Don't own the song I Will Always Love You either…Whitney sings that! As you must know…lol****

And now, after all that shameless plugging and disclaimering, teehee…is the story…

  
***

Snape watched as Pippin offered himself to Denethor. Denethor was pretty pleased about this, and swore Pippin to his service. Oh wonderful, thought Snape, now the hobbit looks even better in that man's eyes. Glancing over to Gandalf, Snape saw that he was obviously impressed with Pippin's choice to swear to Denethor – and Gandalf was now waiting expectantly for Snape to do something. Snape pretended that he didn't see Gandalf trying to edge him on, and went outside, muttering to himself. 

And then Snape saw a puddle.

But this was no ordinary puddle – oh no, this puddle seemed a little too red for puddles. Snape naturally went over and had a good look at it, then almost had a heart attack when it said,

"**Snape**!"

Snape jumped back and swore colourfully before speaking sense,

"Sauron? What…what on earth are you doing in a puddle?"

"**I have no idea. One minute I'm sitting happily in Mordor wondering how to torture my deformed minions, then the next thing I knew was that I had a strong desire to make puddles a new craze with evil leaders everywhere! So here I am. To converse with you.**"

"Though a puddle." Snape stated.

"**Yes**." 

Snape shrugged and quashed the illogical feeling he had about the situation. He didn't believe this type of thing ever happened in Middle-Earth, but then again Gandalf never turned any of the company into bunnies until Snape came along, did he?

"So…what is it that you want to tell me?"

"**Well. A couple of things. Firstly, I'd like to know who the little runt hanging around in Mordor is**."  

"What does he look like?"

"**He has a lightening shaped scar. And he's convinced he'll become a Hero**."

Snape's eyes began to twitch uncontrollably. He clenched his fists and said,

"Potter. I should have known he'd worm his way into this…the slimy little rat that he is. Just like his father! Always wanting to be the best! Always wanting to be the hero! He's even travelled to this wretched world to steal my glory! Why," Snape paused and looked to the sky, screaming, "WHY? Why is Severus Snape never ever allowed to be the one that saves the day?"

After a couple more minutes of angsty screaming from Snape, Sauron coughed,

"**Um. Anyway…second thing I wanted to tell you is about Denethor. Get on his good side and have a look around**."

"Why?"

"**He has a very beautiful…paperweight…**" Sauron said as cunningly as possible.

Snape looked blank. Sauron rolled his eyes, 

"**A palantir you idiot**!"

"Oh. Gotcha now."

Sauron then disappeared suddenly, on seeing Gandalf walk up behind Snape. Snape poked the puddle with his foot experimentally wondering where his friend had vanished off to.  

"Snape!"

Snape jumped then turned around and faced an angry looking Gandalf. Smiling coolly, Snape asked,

"Yes?"

"How dare you leave the room without permission!" 

Snape ignored Gandalf and started to walk back inside. Gandalf looked taken aback and exclaimed,

"How dare you ignore me when I'm talking to you! Don't you dare turn your back to me young man!"

Inside, Denethor and Pippin were having a conversation. Ok, so it was more like Pippin chatting a lot and Denethor emitting moans of "Oh Boromir, my son! Why didn't Faramir go in your place?" but it was near enough to a conversation. Snape walked up to where Denethor was sitting and gave him a pathetic bow,

"Denethor. I offer my services… swear me in."

Denethor looked rather worried and muttered,

"Do I have to?"

Snape looked hurt, but glad. He was about to say, "Fine then, didn't want to be sworn in anyway" when Pippin, as he always did when Snape really didn't want him to, squealed,

"Please swear Sevvie in! He's such a sweet guy once you get to know him!"

Denethor glanced at Snape, unsure as to how the man could ever be sweet. Snape just wondered how he could kill Pippin for applying such a term to the good, respected and steely name of Severus Snape. 

"Well," Denethor hesitated for a second then sighed, "Oh alright then. I suppose he could some secretarial work for us…"

Snape gave Denethor a dirty look and said grumpily,

"Woo," then added, "Hoo."

***

Strider began to call out to the oath breakers. The ones that he had to go collect from the scary place that Ron didn't want to go to. Hermione was having the time of her life. Not only was she allowed to ride beside Strider, but also she was getting a good education in the arts of necromancy as she did so. Well, the oath breakers weren't exactly dead...but they did begin to walk spookily like they were extras in Michael Jackson's Thriller. Except they didn't do any cool dance moves. And Michael Jackson wasn't there. Would be great if he was here though, thought Hermione, maybe then he could sing more interesting songs than Strider was coming up with.  Suddenly from somewhere behind Hermione there was a loud shout of,

"What do we want?" 

This was promptly followed by uninterested groans from all the oath breakers. Hermione turned around and saw a zombie holding up a large placard baring the words 'Don't take death lying down!'. The zombie grinned at her,

"Reg Shoe, zombie, pleased to meet you."

"What?" Hermione was now feeling very confused. So she decided to ignore the strange decaying man and turn to Strider, now fully geared up for an interesting conversation. 

"You know," Hermione started, "I read all about necromancy from the library. Did you know that if you perform the ritual at the exact time and on the exact day you can get away with using an old boot and nail polish for the main ingredients, instead of the expensive and rare dark arts ones?" Hermione nodded to herself, "It's true."

Strider had become used to Hermione's educational and bookwormish conversations and had since learned to just let his eyes glaze over into a daydream when she spoke. As long as he said "Yes" or "How very true" or "Really? How very interesting" every couple of minutes, Hermione was kept happy. 

Behind them Reg sighed and dropped his placard, realising that no one cared for what he had to say,

"I bother to come all this way from the Discworld to Middle-Earth - half way across the bloody multi-verse, and what do I get? Hah! A bunch of uninterested living people! And oath breakers who don't even see what I'm doing for them! All I want is to make the term 'dead' politically incorrect and have it replaced with the term 'Vitally Challenged'! But no, all these people want to do is to fight evil and go down as Heroes - never once giving a thought to the politically incorrect structure of their society or caring for the masses." 

Reg then disappeared with a little flash, as Tolkien's reality caught on to his presence. 

The God of Muggle Fiction (and Sardines) hated when Discworld characters invaded Middle-Earth, for all they ever did was create chaos. Ye gods, they were magnets for the thing.

***

Sirius and Remus hid under a hedge, on the edge of the forest. They were technically meant to be fighting the host of Deatheaters that were presently invading Hogwarts, but as is always the way of the two of them, they chickened out. This wasn't to say that they weren't brave or able to fight. It was just that they…well…they were really freaked out by the black cloaks. They were intimidating and reminded them of death! Which was the whole point of them…obviously. Anyway so the two men sat under the hedge. Sirius was staring lustfully at Remus and Remus was shifting uncomfortably. 

"I love you Remus."

Remus gave Sirius a false smile,

"Um. Thank you Sirius."

"I really love you."

"Uh huh."

"I really truly love you."

"Yes."

"I really truly madly love you."

"How flattering."

"I really truly madly deeply love you."

"Gosh." Remus shoved his ass several more inches away from Sirius, who now had drool coming out of one side of his mouth. Sirius continued,

"I really truly madly…"

Remus butted in before Sirius could finish, shouting,

"RIGHT! Ok, I get the message! Now would you just SHUT UP?"

Sirius blinked and fought back his poor puppy-dog tears. He didn't understand - why didn't Remus love him? I mean Sirius had done everything he could think of for the man…he had serenaded him, danced sexily in his general direction for him, and left him chocolates in his bed. Admittedly, Sirius only left the box, because he had got rather peckish on the way to Remus' room but other than that he'd done everything that Sirius knew he ought to do for the one that you loved.

Then it hit him.

Sirius grinned to himself and looked around behind him. Remus strained to see what Sirius was doing, quite frankly scared of what the dog would produce, but was unable to see what was happening. Then Sirius turned round and handed Remus something. 

It was a small battered daisy. 

Sirius looked sheepish,

"I realised I still hadn't given you any flowers," then looking hopeful he added, "Do you love me now?"

Remus stared at the little flower and thought. He had been rather cruel to Sirius over the last couple of days…and after all it was his fault that Sirius had ended up liking him… 

Remus sighed, damned his conscience, then turned to Sirius and smiled,

"You know what Sirius? I'll tell you something - if I was so inclined, you'd be the only guy I'd ever want to fancy me."

"Really?" 

"**Really** really."

Then, the two hugged and it was a happy moment for all. And because of all the pillows running around them happily chanting "Fluff, fluff, fluff!" several people appeared behind them. These several people began to sing loudly at the sight of the men hugging,

"AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII – E – IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOOOU!"

Remus's ears pricked up at the sound of the singing, and he turned round to glare at the would-be pop stars. As Remus began to shout at them over the atrociousness of their singing he realised that the would-be pop stars were Deatheaters.

And they looked rather angry. For those guys take their singing talents seriously. 

***

Harry looked down at Frodo, who looked dead. Giggling happily, Harry began fishing around under Frodo's shirt to try and find the ring. The one thing that would make him famous and make him the hero of the story. It was obvious to Harry that a boy with a lightening scar drawn on with eyeliner was a much more convincing saviour than a short hairy-footed creature that looked scarily like Elijah Wood. 

Just as Harry had grabbed the ring from around Frodo's neck, he heard a loud yell that would have made Tarzan look pathetic. 

"You get away from my master! And how dare you feel around under his shirt! That's for me to do!"

Harry looked round and saw a mad and rabid looking Sam, Harry glared at Sam as he clutched the ring,

"It's mine! My precioussss! Leave us alone, stupid hobbit! Stupid! Precious needssses his fame, doesn't it? Stupid Sam!"

Sam rolled up his sleeves,

"Right! That's it! You've asked for it!"

Harry blinked, he couldn't remember asking for anything. Before Harry knew what was going on, he saw Sam throw a frying pan at his head. And a second before Harry blacked out completely, he felt the ring being taken from him.

Damn, thought Harry's brain.

***

Picture a window. This window is on the highest tower in Hogwarts. The window is opened slightly (only briefly because it gets chilly up there) and you can see two silhouettes fighting. It's all rather dramatic looking. This is the view all the wizards and Deatheaters can see from the Quidditch pitch. From the window, there was shouting that they could all hear,

"I fart in your general direction!" screamed the Dumbledore silhouette as it waved his wand randomly. The Voldemort silhouette laughed and screamed back,

"Oh yeah? Well your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"

The Deatheaters and wizards oooooed, then went back to fighting as the window closed. 

Up inside the tower both Voldemort and Dumbledore walked away from the window and sat down on a big leather sofa. Dumbledore laughed,

"That was a very good insult."

"Yours was cutting too Albus!"

Both men put their feet up on the coffee table in front of them simultaneously. They were wearing matching 'good' and 'evil' fluffy slippers. Rather like 'his' and 'hers' towels. Except not.

Dumbledore switched on the TV to channel 6, where the Sound of Music was playing. (So what if muggle things didn't work in Hogwarts? This was Dumbledore – he can make anything happen.) Voldemort sniffed,

"I know that they escape in the end…but it still chokes me up every time I watch it."  

Dumbledore nodded, wiping away a little tear as he watched them singing 'Edelweiss' and said,

"I just love that song!" 

***

**A/N:** Ahh. Hello again. Sorry if that chapter wasn't as good as usual! And sorry about Reg Shoe…it's probably only funny if you've read Reaper Man by Terry Pratchett. Which, by the way, is one of my favourite books. Hence the addition of Reg. Blah. Sorry. Lol. ANYWAY, if you want to be contacted when this story updates and you haven't already told me, then tell me in the review! You know you want to! And ideas are always welcomed…especially at the moment! Mail me at oogieboogiesboys@hotmail.com if you have anything you'd like to see happening! 

**Thanks:**

Digitaru – I know what you mean, although this fic is meant to be about S,H&R, I am addicted to writing about Remus+Sirus, and Voldie+Dumbledore!

Mandy Snape – I adore Moulin Rouge too! And I was watching it when I decided to do the Sirius/Remus scene, teehee.

Charlotte Black – Aww! I know Hermione is a bit of a bitch at the moment, but she's just very confused about Ron, lol. And YAY thanks for reviewing I Dare Not Ask A Kiss, that means so much to me!

Mary Snape – Yuppers, you still have a scene! Worry ye not! 

Anonymous – Thanks, glad you like the fic!

Sarahduck – Hehe, if you think it's funny, then I am very happy!

Sasery – Repetitive? Nah! Teehee, it's fine! XD XD XD XD XD XD XD! 

Jencraw – Glad you liked the twist – I'm quite fond of it myself, ^_^!

Silver*Chime – Hehe, happy to have brought such joy to your life! Wait…damn, does that mean I can't have Legolas now? lol. 


	27. Traffic cones, New found feelings and TH...

****

A/N: You probably have noticed that I didn't update last weekend – don't blame me. I was stuck in a house with no central heating somewhere in the hills of Ireland. I think my Dad said it had something to do with building character… It was bloody cold. Read I Dare Not Ask A Kiss, please? 

****

Disclaimer: I've been using way too much Monty Python stuff recently. Oh well, they are the Lords of Comedy, how can I not feature them? Well 'Sir Robin…' belongs to them. As usual, the LOTR's and Hp stuff belongs to their respective owners. Look at previous chapters for better disclaimers. You'd be rather uneducated if you think I own anything here but the madness. 

***

Harry woke up with a groan, the last thing he remembered being Sam whacking him one. Oh well, on the whole life could have been worse for Harry – for instance, he could have been a child actor. Sitting upright in the darkness, he realised that something wasn't entirely right about the situation he was in. Looking to his left he could make out Frodo lying asleep or unconscious on the floor. Well, thought Harry, it would be just like him to sleep on the job, wouldn't it precious? Harry crept over to where Frodo lay, to see if Sam had gone and given Frodo the ring back. Reaching out to where Frodo's shirt should have been, Harry noticed that something was wrong. 

The hobbit was naked.

Harry screamed a scream that was so high pitched that it came out only as a shattering silence. But that was nothing compared to the scream he let out when he realised he was also, as they say, in the buff.

"Eeeeee!" Harry flung himself backwards to get away from Frodo, only to trip up over something. Harry picked this up and stared at it. In the manner of all British students, several questions popped into his head at once, these being…

1. Where am I?

2. Why am I naked with another man beside me?

3. What the hell did I do last night? 

4. And why, oh why, am I holding onto a **traffic cone**? 

***

"I hate life, and all because I love a girl." Ron poked at a random flower as he sat slumped on the ground beside Eowyn. She sighed,

"I hate life, and all because I love a man…and because I've been told I'm not to fight. I'm a shieldmaiden! What did they expect me to want to do?"

"I don't know. As far as everyone is concerned I'm only a little boy… with a huge pimple on my forehead," Ron looked up to see if he could see the offending pimple, but his eyes couldn't see that far so he gave up. He continued, "I reckon this came about due to emotional stress. The emotional stress that that girl has caused me."

Eowyn nodded glumly. Ron continued,

"We should do something."

"Do what?" Eowyn asked. 

"Well…I don't see why we should have to stay here. I mean we could…you know…sneak away."

"Sneak?"

"Yeah…"

Eowyn thought for a moment, then stood up and stated,

"We will ride into battle." 

Ron watched as she ran inside happily then muttered to himself wretchedly,

"I was kind of hoping to ride in the **opposite** direction…"

Ron shifted uncomfortably on his horse. This wasn't just because he found sitting on the beast uncomfortable, but also because he was being dragged downwards by the weight of the armour that Eowyn had forced him into wearing. The helmet he wore made sure that his face was covered – due to the fact that Ron had a habit of turning beetroot red when he lied. And he would have to lie if he were to go into battle. Rather like lying to get into a pub when you're only 14. He turned to Eowyn,

"Are you sure you want to go out there?"

Eowyn replied in a deep voice,

"Yes."

Ron sighed. From beside them, a familiar voice was heard,

"Hello?" 

Ron looked down and saw Merry standing there. Remembering that he was meant to be going incognito, Ron tried to sound more manly than he really was,

"Yes?" 

Merry smiled hopefully,

"Do you think I could ride along with you?" 

Ron thought for a moment, then replied,

"I don't think my horse could take the strain…" 

"Oh." Merry looked crestfallen, then turned to the rider beside Ron. Who was Eowyn…but Merry didn't know this. 

"Do you think I could ride along with you?" 

"Of course young hobbit." Eowyn replied in her newly found masculine voice. Well, thought Ron, she was quick to take Merry! I would have thought it would have taken a lot more pleading! 

Merry clambered up onto Eowyn's horse and hid himself under her cloak – for he didn't want to be caught. From under there, his muffled voice could be heard asking,

"What are your names?"

Eowyn answered with 'Dernhelm' then looked to Ron. 

"Ro…" Eowyn shot Ron a look, which said 'Don't you dare say your real name or I will kill you!' Ron had to think quickly, what kind of names did knights have? Was he indeed a knight? Either way he supposed he had to have a brave name, but not overly brave – because otherwise he'd look a bit stupid. He went with the first thing he could think of,

"Robin. The name is Sir Robin…the not-so-brave-as Sir Lancelot." 

Eowyn let out a slight laugh, and then rode on. Ron followed, feeling a bit miffed. He thought his name was rather good…far better than Dernhelm in any case. Stupid women, thought Ron, I think I should just give up on them. 

***

Hermione was somewhere with Strider. Where? She didn't know. Why? She didn't really care. All she knew was that Strider was doing Hero stuff and that she was dutifully following him like a puppy. But she was finding herself increasingly letting her mind wander into thoughts of Ron. Of course, she'd be the first to tell you that she didn't like him in that way at all. Not at all, thought Hermione, not even a little bit. But then, if she didn't like him, why was she missing everything about him…his cute smile, the little red patches on his cheeks, the way he had no common sense, his lovely laugh, his…Hermione shook herself and looked at Strider to try and stop thinking of Ron. After all, a sexy Strider was enough to make anyone stop thinking of others, right?

Wrong.

She looked at Strider and all she could see was Ron. Hermione thought she heard a far-off chanting coming from behind her and turned around – but there was nothing. She shivered and rode on, still thinking of Ron.

A couple of minutes later, a bunch of pillows arrived chanting,

"Fluff! Fluff! Fl…"

The lead pillow sighed, silencing the other pillows and said,

"Darn, she's gone already. Right boys; let's get back to those love-puppies Sirius and Remus! They're always in need of a bit of fluff!"

***

Remus walked up and down his little jail-cell rattling an old cup against the metal bars, because that is what he had always believed prisoners did. For some unknown reason, Dumbledore was losing. Remus couldn't understand it – he'd always believed Dumbledore to be invincible, but reports were coming in that Voldemort had him locked in the Great Hall and was under his control. Oh well, thought Remus, at least being here gives me time to think over things. 

Looking over to where Sirius lay sleeping, Remus rubbed his chin in a refined and smart way. He was rather fond of the old dog, although he didn't really want to admit it. And he **did** rather enjoy the attention from him…

Oh what the heck, thought Remus, I don't care what people think! I can love who I want to love! 

Remus held his head up high and woke up Sirius. Bleary-eyed, Sirius sat up and moaned,

"Ohhh God, have I got a headache of major proportions…" 

Remus smiled and sat down beside Sirius,

"Look, Sirius, I have something to tell you…"

"Yeah me too mate," Sirius rubbed his head, "I haven't a clue what's happened the last few days…I must've drunk a hell of a lot…"

"You don't remember any of it?" Remus squeaked.

"No…but I did have a totally whacked out dream about dancing in the Great Hall…"

"Eh, that wasn't a dream."

"Oh," Sirius thought for a moment then said, very slowly, "So…am I right in assuming that…who I was dancing for…wasn't a dream…"

Remus went red,

"I think it's a safe bet."

"Ah."

Remus looked to the ground and winced at the awkward silence. Sirius patted him on the back and said,

"Well, what did you have to say?"

"Oh...nothing…" Remus stood up and gave Sirius a weak smile. It would be just like Fate to do that, thought Remus; Sirius will never love me again…

Ah, it has been said that the course of true love never does run smoothly – but the finish line is always in sight.

***

Snape stared out the window and watched the city being attacked. Gandalf told him that he was, under no circumstances, to fight. Snape's eyes narrowed as he saw a flash of white down below. Hah, thought Snape, he's just scared that I would outdo him – he's just jealous of my skills. 

"Sevvie?" 

Snape looked over to where Pippin was sitting and snapped,

"What?"

"I was just wondering what you were thinking about."

"I was thinking about why you insist call me ridiculous names, yet manage to call Gandalf his proper one." Snape answered coldly. Pippin shrugged,

"He's **Gandalf**! And Respect is his first name."

"It is?"

"Well no…but he commands it!"

"Does he?"

"Well no…but he gets it!"

Snape tapped his fingers on the windowsill in irritation then spat out the words,

"Look at him, down there, playing the hero! Playing the good guy! If I **wanted** to, I could blast the whole host of Mordor into smithereens!" 

"Oh yes, Sevvie, I'm sure you could." 

Snape spun round and saw Pippin's smiling face. Snape raised an eyebrow,

"I do hope I didn't hear a hint of sarcasm there, I don't know how long I could control myself from murdering you if you've learnt how to use that."

Pippin blinked and thought for a moment, then said blankly,

"What's sarcasm?"

Snape sighed and turned back to looking out the window. Something was happening down below – the men were retreating and running back into the citadel. Snape let out a laugh,

"Hah! What a bunch of cowards!" He moved closer to the window and looked to see if he could see the familiar streak of white that indicated where Gandalf was. He found it running out of the citadel. Snape thought that was awful suspicious. Maybe Gandalf has switched sides? Hearing Pippin open the door and an unfamiliar voice talking hurriedly to the hobbit, Snape turned around to look. As he did so, Pippin closed the door after having said goodbye to whoever the person was. 

"Well?" asked Snape.

Pippin grinned,

"Gandalf has gone to save the brave Faramir!"

"What do you mean?"

"He stayed out in the Rear Guard, even when all the men retreated!"

"Really, how wonderful," Snape said through gritted teeth, "And tell me again **why** Gandalf went to save him?"

"Because…because…"

"Because Gandalf wants to be the frigging Hero!" Snape shouted angrily, letting out all his feelings of being fed up of being stuck inside and letting Gandalf reap in all the glory outside in battle. Snape grabbed his wand and stormed out of the room. Pippin ran after him screaming,

"Sevvie! Sevvie, where are you going? Don't do anything you'll regret!"

Snape growled and shouted back,

"You will soon learn, Took, that I never do anything that I will regret!"

***

Dumbledore sat on a comfy chair in the middle of the Great Hall with a towel around his shoulders. The hall itself was shrouded in darkness, except for one beam of light that shone where Dumbledore sat. He gave out a slight cough and shouted out into the darkness,

"Voldie? You there?"

Voldemort came out of the shadows waving his hands at Dumbledore angrily, and hissed,

"Shush! Don't call me that in front of my minions!"

A voice came out from the darkness,

"Hey! I object to being called your minion, oh my most gracious master, can't you just say 'loyal followers'?"

"No!" Voldemort shouted, "You're **minions**! Understand? Now shut up before I replace you all with monkeys!" 

Another voice in the darkness spoke,

"Um, we already have some monkeys on our side…"

There was a chorus of monkey-type noises. Voldemort rolled his eyes and growled,

"Would you all just be quiet and let me do what has to be done?"

Dumbledore gave Voldemort a bright grin and asked,

"Yes, I would like to know what exactly is going on!"

"We're winning Albus. My men," there were several hoots from the monkeys, and Voldemort continued, "My men and … monkeys… are winning. You are losing – do you understand?"

"Yes…"

Voldemort raised his hand and shouted,

"Bring in…The… **Jaw-Grinder**!"

The assembled Deatheaters oooooed in terror, as the door opened slowly to reveal a truly horrific sight.

"Hola my merry men!" 

Gilderoy bounded into the room with a pink suitcase on wheels following him. Voldemort hit his hand off his head,

"I asked you to bring in The Jaw-Grinder!"

Wormtail cowered,

"Um…Lockhart was the best we could do at such short notice."

"Very well…" Voldemort signalled to Gilderoy, "You! Do your worst…but do not kill Dumbledore! That must be left for me to do!"

Gilderoy giggled and opened his pink suitcase. Dumbledore raised a confused eyebrow and whispered to Voldemort,

"Your methods of torture have certainly changed over the years."

"Oh shut up Albus!" Voldemort muttered then stormed off. Dumbledore turned to Gilderoy, who was pulling something out of his suitcase. Gilderoy looked at Dumbledore with a grin and said, with a crazed look in his eye,

"Oh, I have waited so long to do this…"

From outside all that Voldemort could hear was Dumbledore's screams. He sniffed sadly and whispered to himself,

"He must be getting…The Perm…"

*** 

****

A/N: Shall have Chapter28 up on Friday! I've started putting up notes to you readers in my bio, about updates/progress etc. Just in case you ever wonder why a chapter isn't up or when it will be – look there ^_^! Also if you want emailed when I update just leave your address in the review box! Thanks!

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Thanks to:

Digitaru – Hey the pillows rock! Whooo! Go Fluff!

Sasery – Lol, Snape/Sauron make a good pair…there shall be more of them heh heh.

Mandy Snape – I love tartar sauce! It's nice ^_^ ! I am so weird…

Charlotte Black – I write in Microsoft Word then save it as Html. Dunno why it goes funny on you…sorry:(!

Tigerlily – Thanks! Glad you found it fun ^_^!

Silver*Chime – Hehe, you better lend Legolas to me!

Copper Fire – Yes, yes it is weird. Like me! 

BuffyAB – I know! I want Remus and Sirius to have puppies too! Well, there's time enough yet…

Daine – Oh I know it's wrong. And on so many different levels too!

Jencraw – Ohhh, Snapely fashion ey? Well how can I refuse to update! *updates*


	28. Barbie and his monkeys, Snape's abnormal...

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A/N: *Author hangs head in shame, complete shame* I was beaten in a Harry Potter quiz by a 9 year old. I am not worthy to call myself a fan…*cries*

Sorry about the lateness of this chapter…I did not have a good last weekend. It was rather crap actually and I felt too depressed to write! Freaky. I'm never too depressed to write lol. But I've made this a longish chapter so I hope you're all happy! Though I don't think some of the scenes are as good as previous ones…oh well. 

****

Disclaimer: Check previous chapters, and hell, use your brains - John Cleese belongs to himself…or so I assume. And the foot belongs to Monty Python! Nor do I own Pinocchio, but I don't know who does – so don't sue! 

****

***

Snape stormed out of the main doors of the building and across the courtyards of the citadel to find himself standing in front of Gandalf and an ill looking Faramir. Gandalf's eyes widened at the sight of Snape, and he screamed,

"What are you doing out here? I specifically told you to stay inside and keep an eye on Denethor!"

Snape gave Gandalf a cold smile,

"That's just what you want me to think."

"What are you on, man? I don't want you to think anything! Just do what is necessary!" 

Snape rolled his eyes as Gandalf sighed angrily, and said,

"I know your game Gandalf! You just want me to stay inside so YOU can steal all the glory for yourself! So YOU can be hailed as the great wizard!"

Gandalf growled,

"You idiot! I don't care about glory! All I care about is the safety of Middle-Earth! And right now that includes the safety of Denethor! Who I asked you to look after because he is…driving…himself…mad! I needed you inside to keep an eye on him to keep his insanity under control or prevent it!"

Snape looked at Gandalf's red and angry face. He thought for a moment. Now that he came to think about it, Denethor was starting to show a few loony-bin worthy signs of insanity… Snape gave Gandalf a weak smile and muttered,

"Oh."

Suddenly an awfully scary looking guy rode up the gates and spurred violently on his horse. He grinned and yelled,

"Prepare to die at the hands of the whole host of Mordor!" 

Gandalf turned to Snape and with an angry smile said,

"I am going to take Faramir to his father. You can have your **glory**." Gandalf gave Snape a quick smile then rode off with Faramir. Snape growled under as he watched Gandalf disappear among the soldiers. He would have kept staring after Gandalf angrily if it hadn't been for a cough from behind him. Spinning round, Snape came face-to-face with the Witchking that had told Snape he was about to die. The Witchking looked like he was smiling, if that were at all possible, and said,

"Sauron wishes me to pass a message on to the one you call Snape."

"That's me."

"Well then, Snape, Sauron wants you to know that he is hurt emotionally – you said you would get in touch with him and you haven't," the Witchking sighed and muttered, "You're all the same aren't you? You think Sauron is a big tough guy with no feelings so you just use him and leave him! Well I'll tell you something he **has **got feelings, and right now they are trampled on, you hear me? **Trampled on**!"

Snape blinked, as if trying to get his head around what the Witchking had just said, then said with deliberate slowness, 

"Are you trying to imply that myself and…Sauron…have some sort of…**romantic **relationship?"

The Witchking thought for a moment then gave Snape a hopeful smile,

"Um…possibly?" 

Snape felt his stomach heave and he spat out the words,

"Ugh…I'll try and talk to him tonight," Snape rolled his eyes and added to that sentence by whispering into himself, "To make sure this ridiculous notion of romance between him and I is nipped in the bud before it's too late…" Snape waved his hand dismissively to the Witchking,

"Just…just go fight somewhere else will you? And try and make it look like you're running away because I've scared you."

The Witchking nodded and rode away screeching. In the distance Snape could see the Riders of Rohan charging onto the battlefield - and about bloody time too, thought Snape.

****

***

Voldemort sat in Dumbledore's office, tapping his fingers on the desk. The experience of winning over Dumbledore was a new one to Voldemort – and not one he was very comfortable with yet. Voldemort gave his chair an experimental swivel. Having decided that swivelling was great fun; he began to make himself twirl round really, really fast regardless of the horrible sick feeling he was getting in his stomach.

"Wooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooo!" 

Voldemort giggled happily and kept twirling. The door opened slowly and quietly, so that Voldemort didn't even notice. Wormtail stood there and blinked, then cleared his throat,

"Ahem. My Lord?"

Voldemort stopped suddenly and looked to Wormtail who was, for the present, several Wormtails – due to the fact that Voldemort was dizzy as hell. 

"Wormtail! How long have you been standing there!?" Voldemort screeched. Wormtail shrunk away from Voldemort and said quietly,

"Um…Long enough my Lord."

Voldemort growled,

"If anyone hears of this I will put this quill," he picked up a quill, which was pretty damn big by quill standards, then continued, "Somewhere which hasn't seen the light of day in a very long time…do you understand?" 

"Yes master, I understand perfectly master. In fact I have some very graphic images in my mind as to that understanding!"

"Good," Voldemort thought for a moment, " Eww, no – **not **good! Don't you ever talk of such graphic images again, Wormtail!"

"My Lord." Wormtail bowed in agreement. 

After a minutes disgusted silence, Voldemort snapped, 

"Well? Why did you interrupt me?"

Wormtail slunk forward and set a letter on the desk and gave an explanation,

"Here is a copy of the Victory Letter of Doom we have just sent to every wizarding household in the country, I thought you may wish to read it my Lord."

Voldemort grabbed the letter and read it out aloud,

" 'Witches and Wizards throughout Britain – Good day to you'," Voldemort frowned, "I don't remember telling you to write down 'good day'!"

"Eh, you did master, you told me it would make you seem more benevolent than you actually are – lulling them into a false sense of sec…"

Voldemort cut in,

"Yes, yes, whatever you say Wormtail!" Voldemort cleared his throat and continued with the letter, " 'Most of you will know who I am, and those who don't soon will. I am Lord Voldemort, and I have taken control of Hogwarts and have imprisoned your beloved Professor Dumbledore. One of my many men will be along soon to either sign you up to join my muggle-hating gang or to horribly mutilate you. Mwahahahahahahahahaaaaaa!' " Voldemort scratched his chin and asked, "Why did you write down my laugh?"

"It was a very good evil laugh my Lord. I felt that others might like to share in its wholesome wickedness."

"Ah. I see." Voldemort discarded the letter as he walked over to the window to look out with pride across the grounds of Hogwarts. He then turned to Wormtail,

"And the birds being used to deliver the letters? I suspect you sent them via our usual breeds? Vultures and the like?"

Wormtail gave a weak smile as he tugged helplessly at his clothes and muttered something unidentifiable. Voldemort blinked,

"Pardon? Could you raise your voice a little?"

"Erm…not exactly my Lord…at such short notice it was impossible to get the number of birds required for delivery so I thought maybe I could…perhaps that…umm…"

Voldemort lunged at Wormtail and by grabbing his robes shoved him up against the wall. He hissed,

"Wormtail, please let me that you aren't sending my Victory Letters of Doom with what I think you're sending them with?"

"Well…I…I thought…after all the work I…I…I've spent…spent on their breeding…" Wormtail stuttered madly, then found the voice to say, "I…I…I sent them via my Evil Army of Budgies master…"

Voldemort's right eye twitched violently as he let Wormtail drop to the floor. 

****

***

Somewhere out in the Pelennor fields there was a loud crash. Theoden had fallen, or rather his horse had fallen, and unluckily for him it had squished him in the process. From under the heavy body of said horse, came a muffed groan of,

"Ouch. Damn, and I was one of the nicer characters and all…"

The Witchking let out a long and piercing laugh, then screamed,

"No man shall ever defeat me!" 

Ron hid behind his shield, not really in the mood to argue with that statement. Ron knew that there was a time to fight, and there was a time to run away and hide. As such, Ron had never yet experienced the time to fight for he always too busy trying to look for something that lay in the opposite direction from the danger. It's not like he was a coward – he just knew that running away and living was significantly better than being killed in some disgusting and painful way. But Eowyn – stupidly, in Ron's opinion, rushed forward eagerly,

"See here!" She screamed ripping off her helmet (those who didn't already know that Dernhelm was a she - and that the she was, in fact, Eowyn - gasped), 

"I am no man, I am a woman!"

The Witchking paused for a moment to think about this. Then, unimpressed, shrugged and booted her out of the way by slashing her with his sword. Well, thought Ron as Eowyn lay unconscious on the ground, that didn't go as planned… The Witchking then turned to Merry, who in a moment of bravery screamed,

"I am no man, I am a hobbit!"

The Witchking rolled his eyes as the hobbit ran forward waving a sword, then knocked Merry to the ground. Ron felt his legs turn to jelly, and had an awful sickening feeling that he was the next on the list. Then, from out of absolutely nowhere, a little boy ran up, in a scarily disjointed manner, to the Witchking waving an angry fist. The Witchking raised an eyebrow in curiosity and bent down to look the strange boy in the face. The boy screeched,

"I'm no man…but I…I…I'm a real boy!"

Suddenly the boy's nose grew with some serious speed and poked the Witchking in the eye. Ron blinked and watched as the Witchking, in a fierce rage, cut the boy up into little tiny pieces. Once he'd done that he laughed and turned to Ron,

"I shall use his body as firewood!"

Ron stood open-mouthed and squeaked,

"You just killed Pinocchio! You…you big…big…brute!"

"Aren't I just?"

"But… think of the children!"

"Why?"

"I…I don't know! Because they liked Pinocchio!"

"What did he ever **do** for the children?"

"Well…he…he…he taught them not to lie out of fear of their nose growing abnormally large!"

"Oh." The Witchking's mind raced through several thoughts, "Did Snape lie a lot when he was young?"

"Um…I'm not s-sure…" Ron stuttered, "Why?"

"Well it would certainly explain that disgusting thing in the middle of his face!" The Witchking let out a piercing laugh. After several minutes of catching his breath from laughing so hard and once the conversation between him and Ron had truly died, the Witchking whistled innocently and looked at his sword. Ron winced. 

Then, just as the sword was swung round in aiming to chop Ron's head clean off, something terribly strange but altogether expected happened. A giant foot came out of the sky and squashed the Witchking. 

"Um." Ron looked around the battlefield at everybody. Everybody else looked back at Ron in shock. From behind him, Ron heard a voice exclaim,

"Ah-ha!"

Ron jumped when he saw that it was John Cleese and stammered,

"B-but…"

"Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: why are seedless grapes **seedless**? Well lad, it's all down to** sex**…"

Ron shook his head in disbelief as John spoke then cut in with,

"No, I was just thinking about **how the hell a big foot can just appear out of the sky**!"

"Oh…that." John looked slightly crestfallen, then perked up and said, "Well it's quite simple my dear boy; you stole a name from us, didn't you? Oh yes, you called yourself Sir Robin the not so brave as Sir Lancelot. Through this action you managed to rip a hole in the fabric of the universe causing other things from the Python world to break through. Hence the foot."

Ron nodded even though he had no idea what John was talking about. John grinned insanely,

"But remember you won't always have a giant foot to kill people! Oh no, not at all!"

"Really?" Ron said still slightly dazed from this whole experience.

"Yes…really," John leaned forward and winked as he pulled something out of his pocket, 

"But these…arm yourself with these…for these…THESE are bloody deadly weapons!"

Ron watched as John Cleese then ran away into battle screaming and brandishing a banana. 

Sometimes, thought Ron, I think that I may be going a bit dotty. 

Just a bit.

****

***

Sirius stood with his head against the bars of the cell he and Remus were trapped in. The two had sat in silence since Sirius had woken up and remembered what he thought he had dreamed. 

Merlin's beard, thought Sirius, I can't really have done all those things…the stripping…and the singing… 

Sirius winced remembering several other things that, for parental guidance's sake, he had done under cover of darkness and out of the public eye. Sirius knew he had to get out of the cell, if only to find other people to talk with - for the uncomfortable silence was becoming hard to bear. 

"Meow."

Remus ran over to the doors of the cell where Sirius stood and looked out into the darkened corridor. 

"Sirius – Did you hear that?"

"I didn't hear anything. Probably just a figment of your imagination Remus – these dungeons could drive a man insane."

"No! I definitely heard a noise!" Remus grabbed at the bars and squinted into the darkness looking for a face. After a couple of seconds of strenuous staring Remus gave up. 

"ME-ow!"

Sirius perked up and whispered,

"I heard **that**!"

The two men looked down simultaneously and saw a rather irritated looking cat sitting on the other side of the bars. Remus blinked and whispered,

"Minerva?"

The cat rolled it's eyes exasperatingly and pushed both Remus' and Sirius' wands under the door. Sirius grinned as he picked us his wand and kissed it,

"Hallelujah!" 

Remus smiled and pointed his wand at the lock whispering,

"Alohomora!" 

Up the corridor the Deatheater on duty sat on a little wooden chair reading "Sexy Hags with Broomsticks!" (A/N: Take that whatever way you want. It's your mind's fault not mine - heh heh) He was so engrossed with the fascinating full-colour pictures that he didn't even notice the two fully grown men with wands sneaking up from behind him. Out of all the spells that Sirius could have used, he decided to settle with just picking up a nearby rock and whacking the Deatheater one around the head. Remus rolled his eyes,

"You could have done that with more style."

"Oh I know," Sirius shrugged, "But I was worried I'd ruin the magazine if I used a spell." 

Sirius picked up the Deatheaters copy of "Sexy Hags with Broomsticks!" and popped it into his pocket. Remus looked disgusted, yet decided to just ignore it. He whispered,

"We have to find Dumbledore…"

Sirius nodded in agreement.

****

***

Snape walked proudly into the room where Gandalf was tending to Faramir and gave him a superior smile as he said,

"The Witchking has left the gates – he is now elsewhere."

Gandalf blinked in surprise,

"You were able to get rid of him? And just what did you do?"

"Gandalf, don't patronise me! I have had experience with evil forces in my time – I am no amateur! I used skill, wit and power…"

Gandalf nodded and gave Snape a smile and said,

"Aha. You threatened to strip then, did you?" 

Gandalf laughed at his own joke and turned back to Faramir. Snape then did what he always did – he scowled and left the room to find someone that HE could make fun of.

Namely Pippin.

****

***

Remus rounded the corner slowly and cautiously. Up ahead he could see the doors to the Great Hall, where he assumed that Dumbledore was being held hostage. Don't ask why he did, he just had one of those gut feelings. That and he had overheard a couple of Deatheaters talking about it a minute ago. Sirius gasped,

"They have guards on the doors!"

"Yeah, because they would be stupid enough to leave the place unguarded…" Remus gave Sirius a sarcastic look. Sirius pointed,

"Well…they're stupid enough to make the guards those three."

Sitting in front of the huge doors were Draco, Crabbe and Goyle. Crabbe and Goyle were stuffing themselves, and Draco was looking at himself in a mirror – a hair had fallen out of place. It was all rather distressing for him. 

"Crabbe! Goyle!"

The two boys turned to look at Draco, who continued,

"Did you hear that?"

"Whassh?" Crabbe asked, his mouth full of cake. Draco scowled and said slowly,

"That…that sniggering noise…like someone is laughing at us!"

"That could be because someone **is **laughing at you." Sirius said as he stepped out of the shadows with Remus at his side. Draco stood up and pulled his wand out, then signalled to Crabbe and Goyle to do the same. Draco pointed his wand at Sirius and said,

"We have you outnumbered!"

"Oh please! Like you know even half of the spells we know! You're just ickle babies in the world of magic!" Sirius began to laugh hysterically. Remus pushed past him and said,

"Move out of the way Barbie. You and your pet monkeys couldn't stop us even if you tried." 

"Oh yeah?" Draco said.

"Yeah." Remus replied blankly, then added, "By the way you **do** know your hair is slightly wonky on the left, don't you?"

Draco gasped then grabbed his mirror before he ran away screaming,

"I'm going to the bathroom to get some more…umm…gel…Crabbe, Goyle, fight them!"

Remus waited for a moment after Draco had left before he turned to face Crabbe and Goyle. Sirius was still in fits of laughter. 

Remus gave the two Slytherins an impassive smile and said,

"Boo." 

Crabbe and Goyle both let out a squeal before passing out. They fell with such a thud onto the floor that the doors of the Great Hall opened. Remus and Sirius moved closer to the doors and looked through the little gap between them. 

They saw…Dumbledore.

Sirius let out a choked whisper,

"Oh dear Merlin…what…what have they done to him…? He wasn't meant to go… not like this…not like this…"

****

***

A/N: Thank You's:

Mandy Snape – The perm is indeed frightening…I have had experiences with them…*shudders* 

Digitaru – Lol, I have a lot of romance in this actually, you're right! And as for the Remus/Sirius situation…well…you'll have to wait and see!

Moustachegirl – No, you probably don't want to know why. Ohhh don't worry – they were just stripped of their possessions by orcs. Well, that might be what they **want** us to think…

Anonymous – Thank you!

Charlotte Black – I know! Remus and Sirius do make a great couple! We're gonna see lots more of that heh heh! (Thanx also for reviewing MmmMmmMmmMmm lol!)

Sasery – LOL! I will have more of those pillows. They are so damn cute!

Snakecharmer – Lol, yay Snape!

Silver*Chime – Legolas shall be in it again soon! Thanks ^_^!

Kitsunelover – Aww thanks! And don't worry I know my grammar (especially) isn't the best lol!^_^

I_Love_Da_Horsy – Oh with a threat like that how can I not keep updating? Hehe!

SuperDuck – Thanks for reviewing and adding me to fav authors! Whenever you start posting fics tell me, I'd love to read some of yours! 

Kuja's Apprentice – I know he is rather miserable isn't he? Not to worry, he'll cheer up sometime!


	29. Angstfilled moments, Snape thinks of hob...

**A/N:** I have exams on Monday, and yes, I have successfully done sweet F A as far as revision is concerned. But I have written a new chapter ^_^! But some may find it rather depressing. Don't worry though! It'll all be ok, I promise! 

And don't laugh at my attempt at Hagrid's words. His dialogue is a mystery to me. 

**Disclaimer:** Please check previous chapters dearies.

***

Molly Weasley sat at her (very cluttered) kitchen table reading over a letter that she had just received. Beside her, a cute little budgie chirped and pecked at her arm in a rather non-intimidating way. The budgie felt confused, the woman he was pecking was not screaming or seemingly in any pain at all. This had never happened in Evil Budgie Training Camp. He had come in top of his class at intimidating pecks, and yet in practice his pecks were not having the desired effect. Oh well, thought the little budgie, at least she gave me some cake…Master Wormtail **never** gave me any cake. 

Molly smiled and passed the letter she was reading to her husband as she said happily,

"Arthur! Isn't this a nice letter? You-Know-Who wishes us all a good day!" She took a sip of her tea, then continued, "Of course, he's going to have us all horribly mutilated, but I really do believe that underneath it all he's not such a bad chap," She sighed, "It was probably his bad upbringing that led him to be like this…poor little lamb." 

"Quite." Arthur read the letter then set it down. He then thought for a moment before saying,

"Molly? Have you heard from Ron recently? It's just I have a vague nagging feeling that I haven't…"

"Oh yes, he was sucked into a book."

"Oh right I see." 

Molly gave a dismissive wave,

"But Professor Dumbledore has assured me that this is perfectly normal and that it happens all the time."

Arthur sighed happily,

"Good old Dumbledore! I wonder how he's getting on? Especially now that You-Know-Who has taken control of the castle."

"Yes, one does begin to wonder what on Earth all the students are doing."

***

Snape watched as Denethor paced back and forth in the room that Gandalf had told them to stay in. Denethor had begun to show an alarming obsession with fire. It was understandable that he should be slightly crazed, seeing as he'd lost Boromir, and now he was losing his other son, Faramir. 

"Lord," Snape stepped over to Denethor and gave him a cold smile, "I can guarantee that I have the power to heal your son…if only you would let me…"

Denethor narrowed his eyes and snapped,

"He is dying! Burning! You cannot heal him! You shall not!"

"But if I could just…"

"No!" Denethor shouted, cutting Snape off mid-sentence. Snape looked to Pippin, who simply shrugged. Snape sighed,

"Then if I may, I would strongly suggest that perhaps you should replace this…unhealthy…obsession with fire with something…less threatening?"

Denethor's eyes darted from left to right in a scary, shifty manner. After a couple of minute's silence, Snape decided that the shifty eyes were Denethor's answer to his suggestion,

"Quite…" Snape gave Denethor a sarcastic smile, "Perhaps you could take up…knitting?"

Pippin pulled on Snape's robes, causing Snape to turn round,

"Yes?"

"Umm…couldn't Denethor then use his knitting needles as a weapon? He could skewer himself and Faramir with them."

Snape looked mildly impressed,

"Congratulations Took, I do believe that's the second intelligent thing I've heard you say within the space of a few weeks," Snape sneered, then added, "Ten points to Slytherin."

"Yay!" Pippin looked happy with himself then turned, along with Snape, back to Denethor.

"What about…" Snape thought for a moment, "Stamp collecting?"

"What are stamps?" Pippin gave Snape a confused look. Snape cursed under his breath,

"Damn. No stamps in Middle-Earth." Snape searched his brain for other obsessions that Denethor couldn't use to kill himself or anybody else with. That man, thought Snape, is unstable – and I thought Gandalf was bad! 

Pippin and Snape both adopted the well-known 'I'm thinking' pose. This being: one hand on the chin and one foot tapping the ground with considerable speed. As this went on, neither of the two noticed as Denethor let out an insane giggle and ran out of the room. Snape was probably going to regret forgetting to lock the door when he found this out. 

"What about…train-spotting…no…that also wouldn't work…no bloody trains…" Snape's eyebrow's lowered even deeper in thought. Pippin raised one of his hands slowly,

"Umm…what about darts?"

Pippin slunk backwards as he found himself being the receiver of one of Snape's most unbelieving looks. 

"Took…" Snape said slowly, "We're trying to think of **non-dangerous** hobbies…you stupid hobbit! He could poke out people's eyes with darts!" Snape let out an irritated sigh, "20 points from Gryffindor!"

Pippin frowned then bit his lip. Snape ignored him, I hope the points I'm giving and taking away are getting through to Hogwarts…if so, by the time I get back Gryffindor will be so far behind in points that Slytherin'll be well on their way to winning the House Cup! 

"Um." Pippin cleared his throat.

"Shush! I'm thinking!" Snape snapped back at him.

"But…"

"But what?!"

"Ehh…Denethor…Denethor…well, he's gone, Sevvie."

Snape spun around and saw the door ajar, with no Denethor to be found. He sighed,

"Bugger."

Snape pulled out his wand and walked towards the door, before he left he heard Pippin say in a small voice,

"Umm…"

"What now?!"

"Well you see…he's taken my tinder-box…"

Snape literally had to fight back his anger as he asked,

"And…why…was…your…tinder-box…not…in…your…pocket?"

"Ehh…Denethor wanted to have a look at it a few minutes ago and I thought…"

Snape let out a low growl, making Pippin decide to just stop the sentence there, for he had a feeling that Snape wasn't really in any mood for hearing what he thought. In a last ditch effort to lighten the mood, Pippin gave Snape a bright smile and said,

"Gandalf isn't going to be too pleased with us, is he Sevvie?"

Snape grabbed Pippin suddenly by his coat and brought his face so close to Pippin's that Pippin could feel the angry heat of Snape's (surprisingly) pale cheeks upon his own,

"If you would like to survive to see another day…Took, I would **strongly **suggest that you shut your oversized mouth before I sew it together myself!"

Pippin gulped then clasped his hand firmly over his mouth, determined never, ever, to speak again.

  
***

"Dumbledore!" Remus shook the Professor violently, in an attempt to wake him up. Sirius stood several steps away with tears rolling down his cheeks,

"Just…just…look what they've done to him…" Sirius burst into another fit of girly crying. Remus sighed angrily,

"Pull yourself together Sirius! We have to get him out of here!"

Sirius sniffed and wiped his nose on his sleeve,

"You're right…"

"Of course I'm right!" snapped Remus, beginning to feel rather faint, "Now come on, we'll carry him to where no one would think of going…"

"Where's that?" asked Sirius as he lifted Dumbledore's legs, with Remus holding onto Dumbledore's arms. 

"Snape's dungeon of course! For why would anybody want to go there?" 

Sirius shrugged, 

"True, true."

As Sirius opened the door to the dungeon, he called out a small 'hello?' into the darkness. Through the gloom, he could make out several shapes. Suddenly (by magic, surprisingly enough, seeing as the room was filled with magical folk and all that) the room was filled with light. Sitting around the place was everybody Sirius had hoped they would find. Hagrid grinned,

"Yer smart coming down 'ere! How'd yeh know we'd be 'ere?"

Sirius smiled,

"I think Remus had a hunch."

As Remus and Sirius entered the room, everyone gasped, for they saw Dumbledore for the first time since Voldemort had taken him away for torture. Professor McGonagall threw her hands to her mouth,

"Oh Albus! Albus! What have they done to you?" 

What had they done indeed? They had unleashed a terrible monster, known of course as Gilderoy Lockhart, upon Professor Dumbledore. Unknown to everyone, he was in fact a beauty-school dropout. All he had ever wanted to do was to paint nails, moisturize faces and cut hair. But instead he ended up stealing people's far-fetched stories. Just goes to show that your dreams never do come true kids. 

And so Dumbledore sat there, still unconscious, with blue-rinse granny style permed hair and a braided beard. His eyebrows were waxed to a perfect arch, his blackheads had been removed, his skin was as silky as a baby's bottom (not that anyone there knew what a baby's bottom felt like, thank you very much) and his nose and ear hair had been trimmed. There was also some lovely little butterfly shaped clips in his beard, making Dumbledore look…well…scary.

Professor McGonagall tore her eyes away,

"I just can't look at him any longer…"

So Hagrid did what he had to do - he threw a random bed sheet over Dumbledore's head so no one had to look upon the horror of the old man. Remus sighed and slumped on to a seat, looking pale. Hagrid grinned,

"Yeh'll be pleased to know I've sent for help from Madame Maxime…with her on our side we'll be unstoppable!"

Hagrid nudged Sirius and winked,

"She can crack coconuts 'tween her thighs, so I can't wait to see wha' she'll do to those Deatheaters heads!"

Sirius shuddered in disgust and looked to Remus, expecting the same reaction. Instead Remus was staring intently at his hands. Sirius raised an eyebrow,

"Remus, what's wrong?"

"I…I don't mean to alarm anyone…but what with all the excitement…I've quite forgotten to take my…"

Sirius looked down at Remus' hands as his friend's voice trailed off into a whisper. Sirius eyes drew wide in realisation.

Fur was beginning to cover his hands at a **very **rapid pace.

***

Ron grinned; he was quite getting the hang of handling his sword. Swinging it round in one heavy swoop, he cut an orc's arm clean off. I think we may be winning, thought Ron, maybe…well, possibly…Ron thought again, actually probably not. A wail from his fellow soldiers sounded suddenly,

"The Corsairs of Umbar! The Corsairs of Umbar! All is surely lost!" 

"We are out-numbered if the pirates have joined with Mordor!"

Ron sagged as he heard a strong Scottish accent scream,

"Dooooooooomed! We're dooooooooomed!"

Sailing down the river were boats baring black sails. Ron sighed,

"Oh Hermione…where are you?"

Ron fought in a blur, deep in his thoughts. He hadn't heard from Hermione at all, not that it was possible, but still – anything could have happened…right? For all he knew she could be injured or lost…

…or dead, added Ron bitterly.

He loved her, he knew he did. He had never felt this way about anyone – he loved Hermione even more than Kylie's bum! And from what he gathered, every male seemed to love that bum. But Ron didn't. Not when Hermione was called into question. He loved the way she smiled, her frizzy hair, her beautiful smart-ass comments, the way her teeth used to look like chipmunk's teeth…

…damnit, thought Ron, I just love her. And she's probably gone forever…

At this point in Ron's special angsty scene an orc hit him over the head with the handle of an axe, knocking him unconscious. 

Well, he was asking for it.

Hermione ran into the battle, far ahead of Strider, for she no longer cared for the man. There was only one person she wanted to find and that was Ronald Weasley. Her heart was racing faster than it ever had done as she pushed and fought her way through the battle, using what spells she knew to get rid of any orcs in her way. 

"Ron! Ron where are you?!"

Hermione could hardly see for the masses, and was now wondering if Ron was dead. He never was a good fighter, damn him, thought Hermione, if he's died on me I'll never forgive him for not taking up on Strider's offer to teach him how to use a sword!

Then she saw it, a flash of red hair amongst the bodies.

Oh no, thought Hermione, trust me to speak to soon…

Hermione rushed over to where Ron lay and threw herself down beside him, breaking her wand in the process. She sighed angrily and threw it aside, not caring. Taking Ron by the shoulders, she shook him,

"Ron? Ron! Are you alive? Oh please say you are!"

Ron remained still, and under all the armour he was wearing Hermione was unable to tell if he was breathing. She also lacked the common sense to check for a pulse. Of course, that's just because she needed to not be as smart as previously thought so a dramatic scene could take place.

Tears rolling slowly down her cheeks she grabbed Ron's sword and stood up, and began to hack away at every orc that passed her. Some of those defenceless orcs could have gone on to lead a good life. But no, a rage-filled Hermione killed them all. In the memory of all good battle scenes lined with such depressiveness, time moved slowly. That is to say, the world went in slow motion before Hermione's eyes as the adrenaline rushed through her body, and the pain filled her heart. She fought until her arms gave in, which in turn gave an orc the chance to overpower her and throw her to the ground. 

As Hermione fell, her head slammed against a rock. Slowly, of course, with a slight rebound effect, all for the name of Drama. 

Ron opened his eyes slowly, as his ears were bombarded with the screams of the battlefield. He sat up and, luckily for him, the orcs fighting around him ignored him. Legolas ran over to him on seeing him awaken and said,

"Ron! Get up on your feet if able, the battle's not over yet!"

Ron gasped,

"Legolas! Legolas you're back…but where…where's Hermione?"

Legolas looked behind Ron and gave him a weak smile, 

"She took up your sword…"

Ron looked to where Legolas had been staring and scrambled over to Hermione's body on his knees. 

"Hermione!"

Ron lifted up her head, only to see a glimmer of blood trickling down her forehead. He then collapsed over Hermione's body in floods of tears, unaware of a strong nagging feeling coming from the logical side of his brain.    

"I told you battles were bad!" screamed Ron angrily to nobody in particular. 

***

**A/N:** I will have a Harry scene soon, I just lost the text document where I had written it…oh well. Scar-head can wait.

**Thanks:**

Tasare – Hmm, I should really check where my commas are/aren't shouldn't I? Lol!

Moustachegirl – Heh heh, I just love giving off those weird images to pollute people's minds…

Liza – You'll have to wait to find out what happens to Harry!

Mandy Snape – Thank you! And thank you for pointing out my errors, you're a star! *!

Sasery – I know Sauron is lonely! But he won't be for long; Snapey will come and rescue him – hehe!

Charlotte Black – The Dumbledore secret was finally revealed…teehee.

Digitaru – Mmmm chocolate…*drools*

Kitsunelover – Snape will get back at Gandalf again at some point, don't worry!

I_Love_Da_Horsy – This chapter is up sooner, yaaaay! 


	30. Snape's malicious whispers, flames and f...

**A/N:** Sorry this is late, but I was busy last weekend! Oh yes, and I know you all don't care, lol, but I got some exam results back! Yes, due to the fact I spent my revision time writing Chapter29 the other week I got 47% in physics – ONE MARK OFF A 'C', THE ABSOLUTE B*STARDS! *cough* Anyway… remind me to work next time, _please_. Oh, and I Dare Not Ask A Kiss has been updated…FINALLY. It's quite a good chapter, I think! Have a read ^_^!

AHHHH! This chapter is DRAMATIC and FREAKY! BEWARE ALL YE WHO ARE OF A FAINT HEART! (hehe it's not that bad, just trying to make this chapter seem more interesting)

Oh yeah and, as I said, Hagrid's language confuses me, so I make up my own and laugh.

And I can't write fight scenes. So don't expect a masterpiece.

**Disclaimer:** See previous chapters. And I don't own My Little Pony. I own many of them, but not the actual franchise. Are Snape and I the only ones who miss the old chunky ones and hate the thin new ones?!?!

*******

Harry sat against the cold wall still rather… nude. Frodo had crawled over to the other side of the room, desperate to get away from Harry. Harry didn't understand why he should be so eager to get away from him, after all he only _suggested_ they snuggled together for heat. Suddenly a voice rang through the stone walls of the tower of Cirith Ungol,

"In Western lands beneath the sun…"

Harry threw his hands to his ears, cursing Sam's bad singing under his breath. Frodo on the other hand began groping madly around him and muttering,

"Sam? Sam…where are you?"

After several minutes of confusion (including orcs whipping Harry for that miserable hobbit's singing) Sam was in the room with them and tending to Frodo. Frodo told Sam of his distress of waking up with Harry in his birthday suit beside him. Harry sat quietly, muttering in a huff to himself,

"Stupid hobbits, yes, nasty hobbitsess!" Harry sighed, "We wishes Gollum were here, don't we precious?"

As they were leaving, Sam glared at Harry, who replied with an innocent look. Sam stuttered angrily,

"Look here…you…you…boy! You may have got to lie with my master naked, but that does NOT mean he loves you, all right? He loves m-" Sam gulped and backtracked on his sentence, "I mean he loves… loves women. _Not_ men. And certainly not you!"

*******

Denethor was running in circles around the bed that he had laid his son, Faramir, on as Gandalf stood in the doorway of the room rubbing his temples. Snape came walking up to him. Gandalf gave Snape a slow smile,

"Ahh. Wizard. Just who I wanted to see."

"And I wanted to see you," Snape smirked, "Well, they do say there's a first for everything."

"Quite."

"I need to tell you something, Gandalf…it's rather important…"

"Yes, Snape, do tell me. Especially if it has it anything to do with Denethor now having a tinderbox in his possession and the means of obtaining fuel to light."

"How did you- "Snape paused as he looked into the room, to see Denethor putting straw over Faramir's body. Snape sighed, "I see."

"I asked you to look after him. A simple task in itself, I must say."

"Of course," Snape gave Gandalf a sarcastic smile, "But when you also leave me in control of Master Took here, it's rather hard to do such a task without it being utterly…how can I put it? Ah yes…_buggered up_."

Gandalf sighed,

"Yes, I had noticed Pippin has taken quite a shine to you – though I have no idea as to why. I thought he might have grown out of it by now…but then again, I suppose we can't all have perfect role models can we?"

"No." Snape thought for a moment, then he realised he'd just been insulted and scowled. Changing the subject, Snape asked,

"What's Denethor doing?"

"Burning himself and Faramir."

"That's not particularly good for his son's health I would imagine."

"No. Nor his own," Gandalf took a couple of steps into the room and shouted to Denethor, 

"NO! Denethor, you just doom your city and your son by doing this!"

Snape watched and listened as Gandalf tried to reason with Denethor. Then his eyes caught on a familiar looking object sitting behind Denethor – a palantir. Snape bit on his lip and thought, _well I have to contact Sauron somehow – I don't really like the thought of having all of Mordor against me for forgetting to drop him a line…_

Snape made up his mind to steal the palantir, then edged his way around Gandalf into the room. Luckily for him, Gandalf paid him no attention. Handily enough, there was a pillar near Denethor that Snape could hide behind. Snape had an awful feeling of déjà vu, but ignored it and carried out his evil plans. Well, they weren't that evil – but evil plans sound so much more exciting than considerably average plans, don't they?  

"No! Faramir is burning, and I shall burn with him!" Denethor hollered at Gandalf, as servants helped throw straw round and about. Gandalf sighed,

"Yes, he is burning from a fever! That is no reason to set him alight! Now stop this madness and let us cure your son!"

Snape smirked and whispered,

"Don't listen to Gandalf, Denethor! You're your own man, Steward of Gondor! Why let a mere," Snape shuddered, "…wizard tell you how to run your city? How to run your life?"

"You're right…" Denethor whispered to the voice he believed was coming from his own head, 

"I hear a voice Gandalf…and it's telling me…telling me…"

Gandalf waited expectantly as Denethor strained to hear the voice. Snape realised that it was his cue, and whispered,

"BURN! BURRRRRRN IT ALL!"

"Yes, yes I must!" Denethor looked like he was finally about to set the straw alight whenever signs of doubt rushed across his face. Gandalf sighed in relief as Snape cursed under his breath and tried a new tactic,

"Denethor…you must do it!"

"But why?" Denethor whispered in his best angst-ridden voice. Snape sighed,

"Face it. None of them ever liked you anyway. Gandalf doesn't – he thinks you're a loon. Theoden thought you smelled. And as for Boromir…well, he told me about your little 'secret'"

"Which one?" Denethor clutched his head in worry. Snape's mind raced trying to think of something, then settled for,

"The women's undergarments one. _The wearing of_…the woman's undergarments." 

Denethor screamed suddenly, and Gandalf's face drew wide with worry as Denethor lit a splinter of wood. Snape punched the air in his form of glee (which roughly translates as a mood that average people would classify as 'depressed' – well he IS Snape after all…how often is he truly happy?) and went to grab the palantir. But before he could do so he felt a tugging on his robes that made him turn around. A worried little voice exclaimed,

"Should you have done that Sevvie?"

"Shush! Gandalf will hear you!"

Pippin frowned,

"I don't think what you just did was right."

"I don't believe what they did to My Little Pony's was right, but that's the way life is." Snape sighed in remembering the good old My Little Pony's. Yes, thought Snape, back then they were fat and chunky as ponies should be – now they sell kids My Little Pony's that look like sticks! It just isn't fair… Snape wiped away a little teardrop as he was dragged back to reality by Pippin asking,

"What's a My Little Pony?"

"Oh, nevermind," said Snape irritably, "You wouldn't know unless you weren't living in a book. And even then you'd have to be older to know what I'm talking about."

"Oh."

"Anyway, if you'll just shut up and let me get my paperwei–I mean palantir, I'll give you a whole bag of pipeweed!"

"Ohh goodie!" Pippin grinned and held his hand to his mouth to silence himself. 

Snape turned to grab the palantir from the table on which it had been resting, when he realised that Denethor was holding it. Not only that, Denethor was on fire. Man, it was not a pretty sight. Snape winced from the heat of the flames and shielded his eyes from the sight of the burning man. And I really should inform you that the smell of the burning flesh was enough to turn Snape's stomach, and indeed, enough to drive him out of the room. As he ran out pulling Pippin with him, he turned to see Gandalf carrying Faramir out before Denethor could set him alight as well. Pippin stood at Snape's side gasping in horror as he watched Denethor stumble around wildly with flames engulfing every part of his body. 

Snape did the honourable thing and covered Pippin's eyes.   

*******

In a corridor somewhere in Hogwarts, a beautiful and visually stunning scene was taking place. Not many people will ever see such a scene in their life – and it was one to make all movie directors weep in the thought of knowing that they could never replicate it. 

The moon shone through the window in beams of white light that spread through the darkened corridor. From the shadows there came a deep, harsh note from Remus' throat and he took several steps forward, twisting his head in the moonlight in desperation to keep himself under control. He had had the sense to run from Snape's dungeons once he realised that he was changing, for the safety of all who had been occupying the room with him.

 Throwing his hands in front of his face he could see claws growing out of the flesh where his fingernails should have been. Doubling over and falling to the floor, large paws slammed onto the wooden boards. Remus' back arched with one last jolt of pain from the change to his canine shape and his eyes grew wide for one fearful moment before they turned blood red.

Remus rose from the floor slowly, and shook what shreds of clothes remained from his back. Then throwing his jaws open wide he let out a rage-filled howl and bounded off down the corridor.  

Sirius paced back and forth as Hagrid began to push desks over to block the entrance to Snape's dungeon. Hagrid called over to Sirius,

"I'll look for some o' that potion Remus was yammering on abou'!"

"Yes…yes that would probably be helpful," Sirius replied.

"You know what you must do…" Professor McGonagall gave Sirius a weak smile as she spoke to him, "You must find him… and get that damned potion down the monster's throat!" 

Sirius gave the woman a strange look as she shook her fists in anger. Then he slumped into a nearby chair,

"I know…" Sirius sighed. Oh how he hated having to be the hero. He _told_ Dumbledore to buy some tranquillising darts, but had he listened? Surprisingly enough – no. The unanimous vote of the members of staff and pupils in the room was that Sirius was to go after Remus, and fight him. They didn't seem to understand that he didn't stand a chance against a werewolf. McGonagall had said that was nonsense, because he could fight as a dog. Sirius didn't have the heart to explain he meant that he didn't stand a chance against a werewolf AS a dog. There was only so much a mongrel could do. Oh, if only he had been a German shepherd or a Doberman, things would be so much easier. From outside the dungeon door, Sirius could hear a snarling noise. Hagrid gave Sirius a smile and began to undo all his good barricading work by moving desks, in order to let Sirius out.

"Well…this is it Hagrid," Sirius said as he walked over to the door and spoke the corniest line he could think of (well if he had to go, he might as well go with a bang), "This is my destiny…"

Hagrid raised an eyebrow,

"Are yeh sure yeh wan' ta do this?"

"Yes…I'm sure. I think."

"Well, have fun! I'll be ou' wit' the potion as soon as yeh pin the beast down!"

With those words, Hagrid flung the door open and pushed Sirius out into the dark and scary looking corridor, slamming the door behind him. Sirius swore several times to release his pent up frustration and fear, then changed into his canine form – in a much less painful and dramatic way than Remus' wolf transformation. There IS a classy difference between a werewolf and a mongrel after all. 

The world rushed at Sirius' newly heightened senses all at once. He could smell Remus nearby, and he could also smell blood. Sirius' ears pricked up at the sound of scratching of claws. Letting his paws pad softly along the creaky floorboards as he advanced forward, he looked around the corner to see Remus chewing on a flesh covered bone, using one paw's claws to grate against the bone to get the meat off. 

Remus picked up on Sirius' presence within seconds, and he threw his bone down to rush for the throat of the dog. Remus' body weighed down on Sirius' chest as his teeth glistened with blood in the moonlight. If Sirius' vocal chords were advanced enough to say 'oh shit' he would have, but he could only mutter a rough,

"Rrrrowlll…"

Sirius raised his front paws and pushed at Remus' lower jaw, letting his claws sink into the skin. Remus let out a hurt and angry yelp as he jumped back, giving Sirius time to get up and stand upright on all four paws. Sirius knew he had to act fast, and so he hurled himself onto Remus' back, and clung on by his claws for dear life. Remus shook his body violently and began to twist his head round to snap at Sirius' paws. Barking loudly, Sirius shifted his weight to one side of Remus, causing him to lose his balance and topple over. In that one moment Remus was down, Sirius clambered on top of him and barked again. Remus snapped at Sirius' throat, but Sirius didn't relent and kept Remus pinned firmly to the ground.

Hagrid came out of Snape's dungeon and ran round the corner of the corridor to find a frightened looking dog atop of a vicious wolf. Rushing over, he flung Sirius out of the way and grabbed Remus by the throat. Out of the corner of his eye could see Sirius changing back into his normal self. Hagrid threw Sirius a small bottle as he called out,

"Take tha' bottle and shove the liquid down the throa'!"

Sirius opened the bottle Hagrid had given him as he watched Hagrid grab Remus' jaws and force them wide open with a painful looking movement. Sirius came forward and then tipped the potion down Remus' throat. Once that had been done, Hagrid held Remus' jaws shut until he had swallowed the potion. 

Remus' eyes misted over as Hagrid relaxed his grip on him, and he merely let out a low growl. Sirius knelt down at Remus' side and ran a hand down his tattered fur. Hagrid smiled and patted the wolf's head,

"Tha' oughta kept yeh sedated, Remus!"

After Hagrid had gone, several pillows peered around the corner to find Sirius sitting against the wall soothing a wolf with a little song as he cuddled it. They all let out a contented sigh of,

"Fllllllluff!"

  
*******

Next chapter will have lots of Hermione/Ron, because our two little friends deserve the starring role in a chapter – don't they? And as the Christmas Holidays start in a week, updates will be more frequent after next Friday – wahey ^_^! I have plans for this…and I can't wait for them, cos I think they're gonna be funny ^_^! 

I got so many reviews for the last chapter, thank you! I love you all!

My deepest respect and dumbstruck thanks to:

Digitaru – Aha, Drama indeed. Yes, Romeo and Juliet was the basis for the last chapter, teehee!

Mandy Snape – The random bed sheet? Well, if I told you the REAL story you would probably die of shock…

Liza – Hehe, I've updated!

Aldawen – Yah, I know. M-E is meant to be England etc. But I figured as they were sorta sucked into a book that they are in the fictional world of M-E rather than the English History world of M-E…umm…ok I've lost myself…I know what I mean but I just can't vocalise it lol

Kitsunelover – There will be Snape getting at Gandalf soon, I assure you. Do you really think I would let Snape leave Middle-Earth before he got a chance to outshine Gandalf? Hehe!

Dark Moon – Thanks! Will do :)

Mary Snape – Well, just thought you'd like to know you'll be in the next chapter! I know, it's taken ages – sorry!

Moustachegirl – GO SLYTHERIN! Yay! I don't think this chapter has many off-putting scenes…except maybe Harry/Frodo nekkid! Lol :P

Sasery – I have a very twisted mind. Isn't it wonderful? *strokes her brain*

Charlotte Black – Ah, good old Madam Maxime – hehe, that image never fails to bring up my lunch.

I_Love_Da_Horsy – Hehe, thank you for loving it! I know, I feel sorry for the orcs too!

Aniron SauronGreenleaf-Took, the Hermione look alike – I can see that you love HP/LOTR's!!! Love the name!

Sarahduck – There shall be more Monty Python, I promise! And a budgie is a cute little domesticated bird! My friend has a pet one ^_^!

SuperDuck – Yeah apart from Physics, my exams went well. Thanks for asking! As for Ron and Hermione…well, we'll see what will happen between the two of them next week…

TUNE IN FOR MORE _'MOMENTS IN MIDDLE-EARTH' _ NEXT WEEK! 

(…no I don't know what possessed me to write that either…) 


	31. The Crustacean Curse,Law of the Good Guy...

****

A/N: Don't ask me about the start of this chapter…or indeed any of it. **I am in a _very_ strange mood**. Sorry it's taken ages to update, but I've been dead in my bed with the flu the last week or so – and yes, I even missed my Christmas dinner. What a bummer. Not to worry though, I'm back on my feet and ready to write! **And yes, as a Christmas treat and an apology for the lateness, this is a looong chapter**. 

I keep writing Strider instead of Aragorn…but I don't want to suddenly change and confuse people! But I won't, right? So Aragorn it is. As it should be.

****

Disclaimer: Look at early chapters for detailed disclaimers on LOTR's/HP. And once again, Monty Python owns stuff in this. And whoever owns the Cluedo copyrights (which isn't me) owns whatever looks familiar and Cluedo-like. Heh heh. I don't own Mary, I reckon she owns herself. Maybe she doesn't…in that case, who am I to judge? The 'Well? Laugh!' thing is borrowed from Labyrinth. 

****

*** AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR…SORRY, I MEAN PROTESTER…***

A small familiar looking man walks into the room, and for some reason or another begins to tap your computer screen as he talks. Don't ask me why! I'm just the Author; I have no control over the story. Smiling, the man starts,

"Hello? Hello? Are all of you out there reading this listening to me? 

Yes? 

Good. 

My formal name is God of Muggle Fiction (and Sardines) but you may call me Oh God.

(And no, I don't need any of you lot starting up and muttering about how I know about this muggle contraption called a 'comp-put-tater' or the 'int-er-nette', let's just say I do and leave it at that.)

There are several complaints I would like to lodge against the treatment of the book entitled "The Lord of the Rings" written by one of my favourite men that I have had the pleasure of sending muses to over the centuries known as J.R.R Tolkien. I shall now list my various moans to do with the man they call 'Snape' and hope that someone out there will take heed and stop this monstrosity before he messes things up even more…

1.) Galadriel is married! Why on earth would she ever want to hook up with Snape? Elves mate for life you know. And not only that, Snape is an ugly brute, and the likelihood of _her_ ever finding _him_ attractive is about as liking as myself getting it on with Cher.

Hey, don't laugh! What's wrong with Cher?

2.) He has successfully managed to befriend the Dark Lord Sauron. Does anybody else see that this is a big problem? Whose side is he really on? He's a shifty little bugger and quite frankly I'm fed up of not knowing whether to trust him or slit his throat. 

3.) He almost saved Boromir. _Boromir_, for crying out loud! Do you know what would have happened if I had let him save that man? I'll tell you what would have happened: I'd have been mighty pissed! That's fooling around with the canon for goodness' sake. Not that the three of them joining the Fellowship didn't already screw that up – there were nine for a reason you know. _Nine_ walkers to match the _nine_ riders. Twelve just doesn't have the same effect!"

From behind the man that you are supposed to be listening to, Fred and George appear. Grinning, they both throw a large bag over the God of Muggle Fiction (and Sardines) head. The God proceeds to scream, multiple times. A grinning George gives you all a little wave,

"Sorry about that, he's an annoying little bugger, isn't he? And now for something completely different…!"

*** (I THINK HE MEANS THE STORY)***

Dumbledore woke up with a start and threw his hands to his face, fearing what he might feel there. A voice, which sounded like they were trying to soothe him, said,

"Don't worry Albus, I have fixed your face."

Dumbledore turned around to face the speaker. 

"Oh Minerva," Dumbledore hung his head, "It was terrible! They put…they put _curlers_ in my hair and discussed whether I was more of a pink man or a blue man!"

"And what do you mean by that?"

"Eye-shadow, Minerva, eye-shadow!"

"Oh, I see. I always thought you'd be more of a red man. It's much more feisty!"

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow,

"Are you saying that I'm feisty?"

Professor McGonagall gave Dumbledore a cheeky grin, or at least what she hoped was a cheeky grin. It had more of a look of a stretched dog's arsehole. After all, that's what her lips were modelled on. Dumbledore tried to ignore the smile and the fluttering eyelashes by changing the subject,

"Where are Remus and Sirius?"

"Ahh, well you see, Albus, there was a bit of a problem - it seemed that Remus forgot to take his potion the other day. But he should be changing back to human form any moment now…"

"Well, where are they now?"

"On up the hall, I think."

"Right." Dumbledore stood up and gave his robes a quick brush-off with his hands. Professor McGonagall took one of his arms and asked fearfully,

"Albus, where are you going?"

"To get those two monkeys."

"You mean dogs." Professor McGonagall corrected. 

"No, I mean monkeys. But first, I am going to get the dogs."

"Why didn't you just say you were going to get the dogs? THEN say that you were going to get the monkeys?"

Dumbledore sighed,

"Because…"

Professor McGonagall waited for a moment, then receiving no other answer but silence asked,

"Yes…?"

"What?" Dumbledore asked in confusion. Professor McGonagall gave him a blank stare then said,

"Pardon?" 

"Huh?" 

"You said 'because' then didn't finish. Aren't you going to say the reason why of the reason 'because'?"

Dumbledore blinked, then shook himself before saying angrily,

"Really, Minerva, I have no idea what you are talking about. Now you've gone and got me in a fluster! All you need to know is that I'm getting the monkeys. But first I need to get the dogs to find the redheads in order to get the monkeys."

"Albus, what on earth are you talking about?"

Dumbledore sighed sadly,

"I have no idea. If I did have an idea of what I'm talking about I wouldn't be in the teaching profession, now would I?" 

With those words, Dumbledore walked out of Snape's classroom, leaving a very confused Professor McGonagall replaying the conversation she'd just had over again in her head. After the fifth replay, the conversation…still made no sense. She sighed,

"I never really did get the hang of his nicknames for everybody…"

****

***

The sun shone brightly through the open window, sending beautiful beams of light flowing over the beds that Ron and Hermione lay in. Outside a bird was twittering random notes of nonsense and generally trying to look cute. Ron sat up slowly, his head as heavy as lead and his legs as light as jelly. He groaned,

"Bloody hell, I feel awful…" 

From the bed beside him there was a familiar sigh as Hermione rolled over sleepily to try and see who had just spoken. Ron's eyes lit up when he saw her,

"HERMIONE!"

Hermione jumped up at the sound of her name and she rubbed her eyes. Her jaw dropped slowly,

"RON!"

"Hermione!"

"Ron!"

"Hermione!"

"Ron!"

The two guards standing in the doorway watched this strange game with interest. Both of the youngsters were still shouting each other's name in shock. The guards decided it looked like a fun game and joined in,

"Cecil!"

"Brian!"

"Cecil!"

"Brian!"

Realising that the guards were now shouting_ their _names, Hermione flushed with embarrassment and stopped shouting 'Ron!'. Instead she said,

"You're alive!"

Ron ran a hand through his hair and said with wonder,

"YOU'RE alive!"

"You're ALIVE!" Hermione repeated, still not being able to take it all in. Ron grinned,

"No, YOU'RE ALIVE!"

Hermione shook her head and sighed, realising that they were, in fact, getting nowhere just repeating the same lines over an over again. 

"Of course I'm alive! But you…you were dead!"

"No…YOU were dead!" Ron shouted enthusiastically. Hermione hit her hand off her head, amazed at Ron's ongoing stupidity. She was about to speak again when she realised that the guards were still talking. 

"Cecil," shouted Brian, "It's my shift!"

"No, Brian, it's MY shift!"

"No, it's MY SHIFT!"

"Would the two of you mind shutting up and leaving us alone for a minute?" Hermione said in agitation to the guards. They both gave her a forlorn look and then left the room, closing the door behind them. Hermione turned back to Ron, who still had a dazed and dopey look on his face. She smiled and moved from her bed over to his to sit beside him,

"This repetition is stupid, Ron," Hermione said as she moved her face closer to his, feeling her heart skipping like a little rabbit skips through the fields on a fine spring morning (before it's shot by a farmer for being a bleeding pest.) Her eyelids began to flutter attractively, and she whispered softly, "I'm just…I'm just glad that you're alive…"

Hermione let her eyes close and moved in closer to Ron, waiting for his kiss. It never came.

"I'm glad I'm alive too 'Mione! Wouldn't do me much good if I were dead!" Ron grinned and patted her on the back. Hermione sagged, angry that the moment had been spoiled and muttered,

"You'd probably be smarter dead…"

Ron thought about this statement then shrugged,

"Perhaps."

The two sat in silence for a couple of minutes, reflecting on their feelings and the traumas of the last couple of days. Ron gulped and looked Hermione in the eye,

"Hermione…?"

"Yes Ron?" Hermione drew herself forward and raised her chest slightly, hoping to make it look bigger than it actually was. Which, for now, was no bigger than two cherries on an ironing board. _Small_ cherries. 

"Would you…" Ron gave her a little sad smile, then turned his face away, "No…nothing…"

"What, Ron?" Hermione took one of his hands. A lone violin started up somewhere, playing sickeningly sweet and soppy music. Ron looked back to Hermione,

"Well…I was wondering…"

"Yes?"

"Could I…?"

"Yes?" 

Each word was drawing the two closer…and closer…

"Could I ask you to…?"

"Anything, Ron, anything!"

The violin's music reached its crescendo as Ron smiled, staring into Hermione's beautiful eyes, and said,

"Nip down to the kitchens and get us some grub, I'm bloody starving!"

The sound of the slap could be heard echoing all the way down the hallway.

****

***

Dumbledore sighed and gave Sirius a little kick. Dumbledore had been standing watching Remus and Sirius for five minutes, hoping they would wake up of their own accord. Seeing as they hadn't, he figured if he gave one of them a kick then took a few steps back and pretend that it wasn't him, his next line would have the same effect.

"Sorry, am I interrupting something?"

Dumbledore let his eyes twinkle their trademark twinkle. Sirius blinked in confusion then looked down to find a naked Remus lying across his lap. Sirius gulped and pushed Remus off, waking the poor man with a start.

"Wha'?" Remus pushed himself up and stared around him, "What's going on?" He shivered and then continued, "Rather chilly in the castle at the moment, isn't it?"

Dumbledore shrugged,

"Could be, could be. But then, Remus, I always find that it helps to wear clothes."

Remus looked down at himself and said calmly,

"Ah. My clothes appear to have gone. I'll just run along here and fetch some…shall I?"

"Please." Dumbledore nodded. Remus proceeded to run down the corridor in search of someone to steal clothes from. Dumbledore turned his attentions to Sirius,

"Sirius, I have a task for you."

"A task?"

"Yes, a task. And an important one."

"Ok…what is it?"

"Find the two redheads and give them the message 'the hoots are on me, go catch the monkeys'."

"Uh-huh," Sirius shifted slightly and then asked, "And ehh, what is that supposed to mean?"

Dumbledore sighed,

"It means find Fred and George and tell them the message."

"Ok," Sirius thought for a second, "Why?"

"So they can go and capture the Malfoy's."

"Right. And why can't I do that?"

"Because I want them to." Dumbledore stated.

"But why?"

"They have in their possession items that may help to capture the Malfoy's…without myself having to go and get them using my wand."

"I see." Sirius gave a cough, "May I be permitted to point something out?"

"Certainly." Dumbledore smiled.

"Why can't you just send another fully-trained wizard to get them with their wand, rather than sending two pupils who spend more time in joke shops than they do their classes?"

Dumbledore's eyes did the trademark twinkle for the second time in this scene (you should see the amount of money they get paid every time they do that), and he said mysteriously,

"That…is exactly my point."

Dumbledore walked away, chuckling to himself. Sirius scratched his head, feeling extremely confused - for Dumbledore was such a strange man. Pulling himself to his feet in order to start to search for Fred and George he muttered,

"The hoots are on me? Monkeys? What the _hell_ is Dumbledore on?"

***

Snape was standing in the corridor talking to a young lady (named Mary) that he had just met, when he heard a painful, ringing sound. It was the slap that Ron had received – _justly_ received. He sighed,

"It sounds like those two have woken up and are already denying their feelings. Stupid children." 

Mary nodded and raised a slightly confused eyebrow as a group of five or six pillows were running towards her and Snape. The one at the head of the group was shouting,

"Hurry, hurry, hurry! I bet we've missed the fluff…all because of you, Cuddles!"

The smallest pillow blushed (no, I don't know how pillows blush either, but this one did) and muttered,

" 'snot my fault…I needed the loo…"

Snape sighed and picked up one of the pillows and nodded a goodbye to Mary,

"I'll talk to you later, but right now Master Merry needs another pillow…and I suppose I better go and see how badly hurt those two Gryffindor brats are…"

Mary looked to the ground bashfully and gave Snape a little wave goodbye, before she walked on up the corridor. Snape went into the room where Merry and Pippin were and threw the pillow at Merry saying coldly,

"There's your pillow," then he added, "And don't think that just because I got you one that it means that I like you! Because I don't." 

Pippin and Merry gave each other a doubtful stare over Snape's last comment. Snape rolled his eyes and muttered,

"Idiotic hobbits…"

Small, whining noises coming from the ground near his feet made Snape look down. There were crying pillows. The leader of the pillows glared at Snape and pointed at Merry's bed,

"You barbarian! You just killed Cutie-pie by letting that…_thing _shove him under his head!"

Snape blinked and rubbed his temples,

"I can't believe I'm seeing talking pillows…this place is_ seriously _messing with my head…!"

Kicking the pillows away as he left the room, with Pippin following like the little lost lamb that he is, he headed up the corridor to find Ron and Hermione.

Ron was sitting on his bed clutching his jaw when Snape entered. Hermione, on the other hand, was huffing and staring at the wall. Snape gave them both a sarcastic smile,

"Isn't love fun?"

Neither of them answered. Pippin grinned,

"I like love. I once wrote a poem about it – do you want to hear it Sevvie? After all you think love is fun…"

"Took, do you have no idea as to how to speak the language of sarcasm?"

Pippin bit his lip and whispered,

"No…"

"Right, then just _stop talking_ - before I begin resorting to violence in order to shut you up."

Pippin shrunk into the background, and Snape walked over to Ron and Hermione with an angry look on his face,

"You two irresponsible dolts!" Snape growled, "But then what did I expect, your Gryffindor natures permit you to do nothing else but foolish things! 5o points from Gryffindor!"

Pippin began to 'ooooo!' before Snape's head snapped round with a look of pure evil on his face. Pippin shut up and let Snape continue. But before he could, Aragorn bounded into the room. Unfortunately he wasn't wearing spandex or his name across his chest, but he might as well have been. He gave everybody a serious look and pushed Snape away,

"Out of the way, Snape, I'm the expert here. After all I am in line for the crown."

"You are?!" Snape squeaked.

Hermione rolled her eyes,

"No offence, Professor, but…DUH…!"

Snape folded his arms across his chest and went into a rather childish huff,

"And just why did nobody ever tell me?"

Aragorn gave Snape a brief (and slightly disgusted) smile,

"I…tired to never speak to you. That could have been one reason why. Anyway, that's old news, I'm here to heal your students."

"Oh really?" Snape drew himself up to his full height. Aragorn looked unimpressed and said,

"Yes. After all…" Aragorn looked at everybody and prompted them to say,

"The hands of a King are the hands of a healer!"

Snape let out an angry sigh. His eye then caught a glimpse of the contents on the table behind him and he gave Aragorn a cold smile,

"Of course. I understand completely. Go ahead…"

Aragorn gave Snape a suspicious look, but Snape just replied which an innocent,

"What?" 

After a couple of seconds, Aragorn turned his back to Snape and tended to Ron and Hermione. Reaching back with one hand, Snape caught hold of the silver candlestick holder that he had eyed on the table, and lifted it up. Taking a couple of steps forward, he swung the candlestick holder round and hit Aragorn on the back of the head with a heavy 'THUNK'. Aragorn stayed standing for a couple of seconds before sliding to the ground, completely unconscious. Snape dropped his weapon and rubbed his hands together. Looking up, he realised that everyone was staring at him with open mouths. Snape shrugged,

"What did you expect me to do? You're the ones who are always calling me evil, I might as well live up to my name!" 

Hermione shrugged,

"You've got a point." 

Snape fumbled around in his robes for a second, before producing a little red bottle and handing it to Hermione. He gave her a reserved smile and said,

"One drop of that will heal you - and give some to Weasley after you use it. Of course, if he's intending on trying to cure that dim-witted mind of his, it's likely he'll need the whole bottle."

With those words, Snape left the room – only to bump into a crazy looking woman in red. She pointed at him and screamed,

"It was Snape! Professor Snape in the bedroom with the candlestick!"

Snape stared blankly after the woman as she ran off around the corner. From behind him he heard a quiet cough. Turning round he saw Hermione standing there. She smiled,

"I think that was Miss Scarlet."

***

Lucius picked up the Sorting Hat and shook it slightly. Draco gave him a quizzical look,

"Why did you do that?"

"Fleas, my boy! Lice!" Lucius gave his son a disgusted look, "Even Hufflepuff dandruff…"

Draco recoiled in horror from the hat, not daring to touch it. Lucius on the other hand, satisfied that the hat was rid of all the dead skin of his enemies, put it on his head. Giving Draco an evil grin he started to prance around,

"Oh look at me! My name is Albus Dumbledore and I have a silly Sorting Hat!" Lucius gave his bum a little wiggle, which sent Draco into fits of laughter. Pulling his cheeks in to make his lips look like a fishes mouth, Lucius continued,

"I am a loony and want to sleep with Professor McGonagall!"

From the doorway, two red haired heads peered into the room. Fred raised an eyebrow as he saw Lucius fluttering his eyelids and whispered,

"My God, those two are sad."

"I know, brother, I know." George replied.

"Right, have we got everything we need?" Fred asked. George shrugged,

"How am I meant to know? Sirius didn't exactly seem clear on the mission…"

"Yes well…it's obvious, isn't it?"

"Eh…no." George stated blankly.

Fred sighed,

"Dumbledore's message – 'the hoots are on me', that means he's giving us a chance to have a joke, right?"

"Riiiight." George nodded, still unsure.

"To hoot is something that an owl does and an owl is a bird so…" Fred fished around in his pocket and brought out a couple of canary creams, "So we turn them _into_ birds."

"Who?"

"The monkeys!" Fred whispered angrily.

"But…there are no monkeys in England…except in zoos, of course."

Fred hit his hand off his head and pointed to where Draco and Lucius were strutting around,

"Those, my dear brother, have more monkey in them then all the primates in England put together have! And that's including the football hooligans!"

Realisation dawned across George's face, and he whispered,

"Sweeeet."

Lucius sashayed over to Draco and said saucily,

"Dumbledore's the name, loving Harry's my game! I want to kiss and hug every muggle I see!" Lucius whirled around then pointed at Draco, "Even the male ones!" 

Draco fell over, crippled by his laughter. Lucius raised an eyebrow, then winked,

"_Especially_ the male ones…"

Draco stopped laughing all of a sudden and gave his father a worried look. Lucius sighed in frustration,

"Not me, you imbecile, Dumbledore!"

"Oh…"

"Well?" Lucius said in exasperation, "Laugh!"

Draco let out a loud laugh and howled,

"Oh Papa, well done, well done!"

Lucius' face froze,

"Draco…I told you not to call me that whenever we're outside of the house…"

"Sorry, father…" Draco hung his head in shame.

"Now?" George looked to Fred. Fred grinned,

"Now."

With that confirmation, the twins bounded into the room with smiles on their faces. Lucius grabbed the hat from his head and sneered,

"Oh look, son. It's the Weasels."

"Weasleys." George said defensively.

"Quite." Lucius gave them both a disdainful smile. Fred took a step forward and opened his hands to reveal two canary creams,

"After all your busy killing, torturing, pillaging and looting, how about a tasty canary cream," Fred thought for a moment, "Heck, I'll be generous, I'll even give you a cup of tea!"

Draco blinked and turned to Lucius,

"Father, what did those big words mean?" 

Lucius kicked his son and muttered,

"Shut up and act smarmy!"

Draco nodded and took a step forward to look at the biscuits,

"Hmm," he turned to Lucius and gave him a hopeful smile, "They actually look quite nice, can we have them, father? Please?"

Lucius sighed,

"Oh, all right then. But afterwards my pretty friends," Lucius sneered at the twins, "I am going to put you under the Crustacean curse!"

Draco let out a slight cough,

"Don't you mean the Cruciatus curse?"

"No!" Lucius snapped, "I mean what I say!" He gave the twins a malevolent grin and then turned back to his son, "We'll be eating fresh lobster tonight, Draco!" 

Draco let out a laugh then grabbed his canary cream and shoved it down his throat quicker than Gilderoy Lockhart could sign an autograph. Lucius picked his up more carefully, and was about to put it into his mouth, when suddenly Draco looked like he was about to throw up.

"Draco?" Lucius asked, just in time to see his son transform into a yellow bird. Lucius' eyes widened suddenly and he dropped his canary cream, before pushing past Fred and George to belt it down the corridor as fast as he could. 

"Damn." Fred muttered under his breath. George shrugged,

"At least we got Malfoy Junior," George smirked, "And what do you know? His blonde hair actually looks natural for once!" 

***

Back at Good Guy Headquarters (formally known as Snape's classroom) Dumbledore was formulating a plan. He scanned his audience and began to speak,

"All the odds are stacked against us. We might as well give them the white flag now. No one is going to come to our rescue because everyone sees me as an interfering busybody," Dumbledore paused, then posed the question, "Do you know what that means?"

Everybody shrugged and muttered about being killed and/or losing. Dumbledore shook his head,

"No my friends, by the Law of the Good Guys, there's no way that we can lose! When all hope is lost, that's the time when the goodies begin to win. Therefore, I propose we sit around on our arses and let our inevitable victory happen!" 

The room went wild with applause, and nobody noticed as the twins slipped in with a bird-shaped Draco except for Dumbledore. Dumbledore excused himself and went to meet them,

"Why have you only Draco?" Dumbledore asked. Fred shrugged,

"Lucius got away."

"Oh well." Dumbledore gave the twins a pat on the back. George let out a slight cough,

"Umm, Professor?"

"Hmm?"

"Ehh…we heard Lucius say that you umm…like men." George stared at Dumbledore, who stared straight back at him. 

"Bloody Hellfire!" Dumbledore stroked his beard in worry, "How on earth did they know?"

***

A/N: Wow, yay, I hit 4,000 words! *dances a little dance* There was a lot of back-at-Hogwarts stuff, wasn't there? Oh well, I liked writing it and I couldn't stop – what can I say? This story is going to be ending soon…how depressing…but not to worry, there will be several chapters still to come once our three book-invaders are back at Hogwarts! Keep a lookout for them ^_^!

Who knows? There may be a sequel! Umm, well that's not likely because there's nothing to sequel to. Oh well, I can dream can't I? 

Oh how I'm going to miss this little old story! Look at how it's grown and progressed from my crappy starting chapters to the intricate storylines that I have now! (Yeah…right…intricate…lol) It's like losing a child because they're going off to university! *Sniffle* 

Maybe I'll edit earlier chapters and add things…

Siiiiiigh…who knows indeed! Well, here are the Thank You's…and my goodness, how many of them :!

Have a canary cream!

Sarahduck – Lol, yes physics is pretty useless. I'm glad the fight scene was fine!

Lady Arabella – I put in more Draco^_^! I like my Snape in this too…I know my grammar can be awful sometimes, but I still try hehe!

Kitsunelover – Yes, those Slytherins are devious buggers! Snape has virgin eyes? Yeah, probably, actually heh heh!

NTS – I love that line!

Mandy Snape – Ooo! Ooo! I did send an email, but it was sent back saying your inbox had exceeded your memory limit! I didn't forget about you! YAY The Two Towers, it's good, but ever so screwy and off from the book in places!

Charlotte Black – Yes, I remember the days of having no reviewers. Ahh, ye who is faithful, I thank thee!

Addybaby – Thank you, and I know a lot of this is far-fetched, it's mental. I worry about me…

Sasery – Denethor burns, don't worry, I keep to the story…just umm…make the HP characters mess a few things up or cause things that actually happen in the book to happen!

Liza – I know Harry is out of character. Most of the characters are…or their personalities are exaggerated…hehe!

Moustachegirl – Evil Snape indeed, he's such a wee lamb though! *Tries to image Snape as a lamb and only pictures a black sheep* Oh well, lol.

RavenAB – Harry and Frodo is euuuuuuuuugh indeed!

I_Love_Da_Horsy – AHH! You're crazy! That's good, you are just the sort of person I need reading this – you may actually understand what my weird mind is writing!

SuperDuck – I liked that description too, afterall, could Snape ever be truly happy?

Digitaru – EVIL pigeon lady! Evil pigeons in general actually…I hate my school librarian *growls*

Wolfy Lupin – Thank you for your review!!!

JediHermione – I know it's long, honestly I have no idea how it got to be this big. A stone started rolling and it kept on going I guess…lol!

Review please and make an insane girl happy! 


	32. Silk panties, Girl Power, Depression&Sna...

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A/N: I don't really think I could ever tell you guys I have an excuse for this hideous, disgusting lack of updates. For I really don't have a big enough one. Ok, I could let you all know that really I am a secret agent from an Alien colony on Mars, but that's too believable to be true. So here it is: I just lost steam. I lost it one week, then couldn't face it the next week and then….it was lost. I tried in vain to catch the muses, to tie them down, but for the life of me I couldn't write more than a paragraph before giving up. I had the biggest writer's block ever. So, I choose the convenient time of a month and a half before my A Level exams to catch thousands of them and write again.

If I don't get into university I'm going to blame you guys!

You have continued to support me a whole year later, I just can't believe it. I just really hope you haven't lost confidence in me, and that you enjoy this next chapter as much as you did the others. Do not worry, I have enough steam to last until the end of this, the muses have been running wild. Sometimes I wonder if Mugfic is really alive ;0) 

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My proof reader (namely my brother) is currently away, so please excuse any grammar/spelling errors made at this ungodly hour of the morning! He'll be reading it soon, so if anything is drastically wrong the chapter will be modified at a later date :0P

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Disclaimer: View previous please :0) If I miss out any from this chapter I'm sorry. But if anything looks familiar, then it probably belongs to somebody who isn't me. Like the Spice Girls and Shania Twain.

***

Harry looked around him and sighed. He couldn't make up his mind whether remaining naked or getting changed would be better. On one hand, he would be dressed, feeling much warmer, and be able to hide his very private bits from the spying eyes of the annoying Sam (although, to be fair to Sam, he was really only staring at Frodo's very private bits.) However, the clothes he was looking at weren't really that appealing. They were soggy with what Harry could only hope was blood and beer. Harry could cope with the bloodstains, but if the yellow stain wasn't beer he would be very distressed. 

Of course, Harry hadn't noticed the brown streaks on the insides of the slacks he was inspecting yet.

"Nasty orcses clothes. Don't wants to wear these do we? No no no!"

Harry hissed and threw the clothes at Sam, who was busy dressing Frodo.

"Pipe down! Just wear them and be grateful of them!" Sam shouted at Harry, throwing the clothes back in his direction.

Harry stuck his tongue out at Sam when he wasn't looking, and then as an added bonus flashed his middle finger, before grudgingly pulling on the disgusting garments. 

"We is used to the finest silks and velvet clothes, isn't we, precious?" Harry boasted. Sam raised an eyebrow suspiciously. Harry continued as he put on armour over the clothes,

"All year round we have little silk panties on under our robes and no one knowses!" Harry burbled happily remembering all the times he sneaked into Hermione's room to get his hands on a pair without her knowing. 

And all this time poor Hermione believed they were disappearing because Dobby had some kind of sick crush on her.

After several minutes of contemplative silence over the thought of silk underwear by all three, Sam made the smart suggestion of actually leaving the tower and getting their asses to Mount Doom somehow. They crept as quietly as one can when wearing lots of squeaky, clinky and rusty armour. The creeping outside the tower went well for about five minutes, before Harry stubbed his toe on an ever so conveniently placed brick. 

"OW! Its hurts! It hurts usss! Oh the pain! The torture! The agony! Nassssty!"

Harry threw himself onto the ground, and rolled around with his foot in his hands. Sam and Frodo nodded in sympathy, for stubbed toes can be extremely painful –especially for men. For although they have managed to all the fighting down through the centuries, they have a very low pain threshold. And they love to over-react. Give a man a cold, and he'll think he is dying of a severe and painful illness. What saps.

All the commotion had attracted nearby orcs to the bare bushes they had been trying to creep behind. The orcs joined Sam and Frodo by nodding in sympathy when they saw Harry. 

"Ooo, that looked like a nasty toe stub, that one," said Sympathetic Orc #1.

"True, true," replied Sympathetic Orc #2.

Once Harry had pulled himself together, the two orcs glared at the three.

"What you doing out of ranks?" asked (now Un-) Sympathetic Orc #1.

Sam fumbled around blindly for the right words,

"Um….ah….we were just…um…."

Harry butted in,

"We was just going for a tinkle, weren't we, preciousss?"

Sam looked bemused for a moment, then nodded,

"Yes, yes, we were just going for a…tinkle…"

Unsympathetic Orc #2 nodded at them,

"Very well, I won't ask why all three of you lads decided to go together because that's your own sick business. Now, get back in line!"

The three did as they were told and joined the massive orc army that was gathering just across the road. Funny, they hadn't noticed them before when they were creeping. Apparently, they were heading for The Black Gate, which was the exact opposite of where the three needed to go.

Oh well, I'm sure they'll make it there eventually. If you follow your dreams, you can go anywhere!

Well, within reason.

***

Lucius tried his best to saunter down the corridor to the Headmaster's Office, which was currently under the control of Voldemort. He kept playing the last few minutes over and over in his head. One moment he and Draco were having fun with Sorty the Sorting Hat, and were looking forward to lobster, and the next moment Draco was a canary! It had all happened so fast. But, damnit, if any of Dumbledore's lot even mentioned torture in front of Draco, he would crack and reveal all of the tippy-top secret plans!

Lucius had managed to escape, but knowing the mood that Voldemort had been in since Dumbledore was rescued he wasn't so sure if he'd really got the better deal. 

He approached the door carefully and gently knocked. No reply being heard, Lucius pushed the door open cautiously.

"Oh most gracious and bountiful master, I bring news…."

An empty whiskey bottle cut him off mid sentence as it smashed against the door. It muttered an apology to Lucius as it fell to the ground in pieces. Lucius gave a worried laugh and murmured,

"….perhaps now isn't the best of times…."

Voldemort twirled around on the chair to face Lucius.

"No, no…please, do tell me what my pathetic excuses for minions have done now. Let me guess, you've told Dumbledore every single one of my tippy-top secret plans? Hmm?" 

"Well….umm…I…." Lucius was cut off once again, but this time by Voldemort. He had picked up a flower from his beautiful arrangement on his desk and was slowly pulling off its petals to his slow and deliberate words.

"Let me see… I love Lucius… I love him not….I love Lucius and I…." Voldemort ripped one of the petals off with more violence than necessary, causing the flower to wriggle free of his hands and scamper across the floor to a dark corner. Voldemort stared at the remaining petal in his hand and looked up at Lucius.

"…love him not…"

Voldemort raised an eyebrow, and Lucius gulped. 

He then had a sensation of something trickling very slowly down his leg. 

***

Ron stared glumly ahead of him as he hung onto the reins of his horse. He wasn't really bothered with where he was going or what his horse was doing, which was just following the crowd. Conformity is such a wonderful thing. He had heard mention of one final fight – the one final fight for Middle Earth. Ron had thought he'd just been in the one final fight for Middle Earth and won, but apparently not. It turned out that Sauron had an even greater army than Ron had realised, all hiding away in Mordor. Rumour had it that they had taken time out of fighting to practice for a talent competition coming up. 

Ron sighed. Hermione had left him to go and talk with Aragorn and Legolas, and giving his horse a small kick to speed up he began to muse over the bitter and violent thoughts in his head. Involving Aragorn, Legolas, a samurai sword and a feather. Looking up he noticed Gandalf giving him a funny look and, worried Gandalf could read thoughts, he changed his line of thinking back to Hermione. He had thought that she had finally given up on them, but that was just a dream, he supposed. It was all so frustrating; he just had really begun to believe that she cared for him, especially when he heard she had taken up his sword to fight. It was all so….romantic.

Ron made a disgusted face, and muttered to himself,

"I should really stop this kind of thinking before I begin to cry and wish I had Thelma and Louise to watch. Worse still, I think I'm having the urge to listen to the Spice Girls and scream 'GIRL POWER'!"

Having said the last couple of words a little too loudly, he received curious looks from Gimli, who grinned and said,

"I'm with you all the way, lad!"

Ron gave Gimli a blank look, before ignoring the dwarf and going back to his thoughts.

Hermione looked over to where Ron was in the sea of horses and armour. He was looking in her direction, which obviously meant he was watching her every move in Hermione's mind. Because that's what she did when she fancied the pants off someone. I mean, that's what she did with Aragorn! She took this opportunity for her big moment, her one big dramatic scene, and threw her little Elf-English dictionary at both Aragorn and Legolas. By some miraculous timing and careful aiming, it managed to hit Legolas in the forehead, only to rebound and hit Aragorn in the nose. Hermione's chest swelled with pride and she began to shout at them,

"I've had it up to here with you!" she indicated up to there with her hand and continued, "You are no better than any other men I've ever come across, vain and conceited, full of yourselves! Not caring about the little people below, who look up to you and admire you, who adore your every move! You just strung me along for fun, laughing at me, not caring about the fragile heart you held in your hands! Well, that's it, no more! I've realised what real love is, it's caring, kind, always there, and it saves your life when all others ignore your pleas! I've found real love now, and you have lost me! I've found real love, in Ronald Weasley! And it's him I love…it's him I want…."

Hermione continued her nonsensical declaration of love for the red-haired boy with the colony of freckles on his face for several more minutes. It wasn't particularly great, or beautiful, or even logical – but it was a declaration. People around her stopped to stare at her shouting at the open-mouthed (and slightly bruised) Legolas and Aragorn. 

Ron glanced over to the commotion that Hermione was making. He couldn't really make out what she was saying, but he supposed it was something to do with fancying the pants off Aragorn and Legolas. They were gawping at her like she was an alien, hah, thought Ron, she's probably showing them her breasts or something. He tore his eyes away and sagged, I've never even seen a real pair of breasts. I'm such a loser. I should just run away, leave, disappear. Or let an orc gut me like a fish. Whichever is handiest. Then maybe Hermione will realise how much she really needed me.

Oh, who am I kidding? 

She probably wouldn't even notice I'd gone. 

With tears in his eyes, Ron kicked his horse sharply and pulled out of the mass when no one was paying attention. He then rode off in the other direction, without anyone even giving him a second glance. 

What a rebel and non-conformist that horse is.

Meanwhile, Hermione was finishing off her declaration.

"…so I'm going to go over there now, away from you two and to a REAL man!" Hermione gave her horse a light tap and pulled away from the two, to go and join Ron. She smiled sweetly and called out,

"Ron! I love you!"

Expecting to see his red face and red hair across the crowd making his way towards her, she kept her horse still for a moment. All around her, horses were surging forward in waves. After several minutes of Ron not appearing, Hermione was left very much alone - staring at thousands of horses' backsides. 

She choked on her tears and whispered,

"…Ron?"

***

Snape shifted uncomfortably on his saddle, which was digging into him in a very painful manner. Gandalf wasn't talking to him after the incident with Denethor, as Pippin had accidentally mentioned to Gandalf about Snape whispering to Denethor. Well, he hadn't really accidentally mentioned, more like Gandalf cornered him and forced him into telling the truth by threatening to cut Pippin off from seeing Snape ever again. Poor wee lamb burst into tears and admitted everything he had seen and heard. 

So, Gandalf had rounded on Snape and shouted at him until Snape couldn't take anymore and admitted what he had done. But, he added, it was what was going to happen anyway because Denethor was a loon, so he shouldn't really get the blame for welcoming the inevitable. 

On those words, Snape was back in rabbit form and hopping around angrily. Of course, the positive side of this was it did mean he was able to widdle on Gandalf's white robes without being called all the most rude and colourful names under the sun.

However, regardless of Gandalf's serious loathing of Snape, he had been ordered to ride with him to the Black Gate. Gandalf decided he wanted to keep a watchful eye on Snape, and this time not fail in that task. Pippin had been banned from seeing Snape, and was currently riding on ahead of him with Merry. Every now and again the little hobbit would turn sadly round to try and wave at Snape when Gandalf wasn't looking. 

Snape's newly acquired paperweight-cum-palantir had been taken and hidden by Gandalf while Snape was incapacitated for several lettuce filled hours. That irritated Snape a hell of a lot, as he had to endure a lot to get it. For example, looking after Pippin, watching Denethor be engulfed by flames and then grabbing the burning hot paperweight-cum-palantir from Denethor's hands without Gandalf seeing. Well, ok, watching Denethor burn was rather amusing, but still – Snape went through hell for that thing. And now it was lost to Gandalf the White-With-Piddle-Stains.

Snape scowled to himself and began to muse over how he could get the thing back. 

Several minutes later, while Snape was locked deep in thought, he heard a hard thud. In the same split second Snape caught sight of Pippin grinning before turning back to Merry he realised where the thud had come from.

Wincing, he doubled over – Pippin had just hurled the thing which had landed with that hard thud, and accurately hit right between Snape's legs. His eyes were watering as he straightened up his back and looked down. There, sitting between his legs, was his new found and stolen paperweight-cum-palantir.

Already, clouds of red and purple were swirling within it and a harsh voice spoke,

"**Finally. God, I've been trying to contact you for days. Where the hell have you been?"**

Snape rolled his eyes,

"Gandalf stole this off me. Its not like I did anything wrong, the stupid old man."

Sauron murmured in agreement, then said,

"**I've some good news for you Snape. We've killed the hobbits. My idiotic pea-brained army managed to do something right. We even have a rather fetching mithril shirt to prove it. Aren't you happy? Everyone around you is going to DIE! And we can be together at last!"**

Snape felt a sickening feeling in his stomach because of two things: One, Sauron was proposing he was to be with him, which quite frankly was disgusting. Two, looking round him he saw all the men, all the people fighting for good, honour and truth…Snape shook himself out of the second thought quickly, because who the hell cared if they died? Who cared if Gandalf was killed? Or if Pippin was chopped up into little pieces?

A small voice in the back of Snape's head said,

"…I do…"

Snape jumped,

"Who said that?!"

"**Umm…who are you talking to Snape?" **asked Sauron with worry in his voice, "**I mean, I know you look mad because you are talking to a paperweight, but you're beginning to look mad even to me!"**

"Nothing, nothing…I was just thinking aloud…." Snape shook himself and smirked, "So, you were saying? All of these men are going to die?"

"**Yes. Every one of them. It's over, it's all over...Middle Earth shall be mine…finally…MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!"**

Snape gave Sauron several seconds to regain his composure – he knew how it went with evil warlords and their laughs. They like to overdo it.

"**Anyway, I must dash, we're having a talent show later tonight you know! I'm pretending to be Shania Twain, and man, I feel like a woman!**"

With those words, the paperweight-cum-palantir went black, and Snape was left feeling very confused. 

This was because for several moments he, Serverus Snape, had had pangs of conscience…pangs of concern for those around him. Ok, he reasoned, maybe they were just pangs of concern about being able to save his own ass. 

In more ways than one.

***

A/N: Hey :0) I ended this chapter totally different from what I had planned in my mind, but I liked it. I'm sorry if the chapter is a bit depressing! I hope it's up to your standards, it's been quite hard getting into this style of writing again, so I really hope it worked out ok. 

I can't believe Snape is finally acting like a caring human ;0)! 

Thank you! (Sorry if I've missed any of you guys out)

Beena-Pani

JediHermione

Scegan

Mary Snape

Sasery

I_Love_Da_Horsy 

Mandy Snape

Charlotte Black

Jennifer

OliversGirl

Rurounix

Crazyrickmanian

Talagand – I know they are intelligent, I just love exaggerating characters. Plus I think Pippin's admiration of Snape is cute. 

Moustachegirl

Kitsunelover

Superduck

The Molecular Lady

Helen

Acemia

Dani Silver

Alex

RLBN

Blood-Countess

narF

Grand Admiral Chelli

Kyra Invictus Black

Alisha 

Camile

Mysterious Anonymous Reviewer

Dead Lenore – What a lot of reviews, thank you for your consistent feedback of every chapter! I just couldn't get over them, you really got me back on my feet and writing again!


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